The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The 'feedback' no one wanted.

March 17, 2020

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No.

This experiment has been going for five thousand days now, and Michael has an epiphany to share with all of us.

When Stacey wakes up with perfectly blended eyeshadow but also winged eyeliner and lipstick with some highlighter on the tip of her nose and just generally where the light hits and also a dash of blush that’s not actually how she looks naturally do you understand.

He shakes his head furiously as he comes to terms with all the times Stacey must have gotten out of bed and put makeup on only to get back into bed and SIR THE WOMAN WAS WEARING LIP LINER HOW DID THIS TAKE YOU NEARLY TWO MONTHS.

But Michael is beginning to learn something else, too.

“Have you ever had a job?” he asks Stacey, to which she mumbles something about retail and we would never want to pry but Ma’am… how do you pay for things?

"Been meaning to ask..." — "I forgot to ask what you did all day."

"At least I've been employed before," she says smugly and sweetie you're an adult woman who has two children and a law degree we're so confused.

Michael jokes that they could fit her CV on a post-it note which feels rude but they both have a good laugh so it looks like it's play on.

In Newcastle, Lizzie is taking Seb to visit her family so that they can ask him about his property portfolio/how much money he has exactly/what's his pin number etc.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

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Seb says he's a construction worker and personal trainer but before he can finish Lizzie's mum interjects "THAT DOESN'T PAY WELL" and with all due respect like how do you even know??

Lizzie's mum concludes that Lizzie is more mature than he is and it's like... no offence... but at least he has a job? According to this award-winning documentary programme, Lizzie's job is "Returning MAFS Bride" which feels... unsustainable. In the... long term. And also difficult to get... a promotion. At.

She reasons that Lizzie needs someone whose ambitions and work ethic match hers and, again, we know Lizzie better than our own family and we still don't know what she does for a living.

mafs — "She posts two to three times a day. Sometimes less."

She starts yelling things like "WHAT'S UR SAVINGS GOAL" and "WHERE'S YOUR INVESTMENT PROPERTY" and since when is it socially acceptable to ask literally any of these questions.

You see, apparently Lizzie needs someone with a reasonable income to 'sustain the life she’s accustomed to' and we’re sorry but is this 1750? Lizzie can do her own teeth-whitening ads to fund her own trip to Bali.

Over at KC's place, they're saying hello to a new beginning ever since her mum asked Drew straight up why he wasn't f*cking her daughter.

She's decided to drop a few hints, and therefore we get porno music while she rubs her boobies in his face which is a lot for 8pm.

The next morning we are alerted that "KC and Drew are the sixth couple in the experiment to become intimate" and like okay but why are you counting?

Watch: The weird activity couples were asked to do ahead of the MAFS dinner party. Post continues after video.

Video by Channel 9

But SHUT UP because there's a surprise and yes it involves giving anonymous 'feedback' to each couple about their relationship at the dinner party.

It's a plan that sounds like it was devised by a 14-year-old girl who just wants to tell Rachael that she fckn hates her and has been spoken to multiple times about bullying, but we digress. Because this was Sir John Aiken's plan and that is why he is the most respected fake expert on this particular programme.

When Michael finds out, he cries tears of joy, and starts writing with crayon, "HAI JONATHORN Y UR FACE SO STOOPID ALL THE TIME LOL N STEVE Y DO U H8 UR WIFE lol," and honestly he is the leader we all need right now.

"Is it weird that I'm looking forward to this?" Stacey asks on the way to the dinner party and darling we've never looked forward to anything so much in our lives.

As the couples all arrive for the dinner party, John Aiken explains to the other experts where the participants have been/what's the plan for tonight because - despite working a maximum of two hours a week - they're never across it.

When Steve arrives, it appears he's come from his other job as a Reverend because why is your collar so tight.

Once they all settle in, Seb decides to tell them all about his tattoo and holy sh*t we almost forgot.

Expert Mel, in particular, is very flattered that he chose to permanently etch #MAFS on his toes because it illustrates his respect to the experiment, the franchise, and more specifically, the hashtag designed by the Channel Nine social media team.

Seb's toe tattoo reminds everyone of their own foot predicaments, with Mishel sharing that she has a few bunions and Steve has a dodgy toenail in case you were wondering, and if Michael doesn't ask someone why they're so ugly in the next four minutes we're gonna lose it.

OMG IT'S THE FIRST QUESTION SHUT UP.

Ahem.

"Elizabeth," the question begins, in handwriting that we're assuming belongs to Michael, "why do you feel the need to get involved in everyone's business when you've been here for such a short amount of time? (Love Michael)".

Lizzie first becomes upset and then defensive and yes this is the kind of distress we were promised.

Unfortunately, she moves on quite quickly, and now it's Jonnie's turn.

Everyone just starts yelling that he's giving mixed signals to Connie and "is it just worth sleeping together?" and, pause.

No.

It is not worth just sleeping together when one party explicitly does not consent mostly because he doesn't want to and also because he has tried to evacuate this particular relationship two times now.

jonethen — "All. I. Want. To. Do. Is. Leave."

"Are you attracted to me?" Connie asks, to which Jonnie replies, "No".

After a pause he adds, "But I still find you attractive and funny..." and the yelling starts again because he's "sitting on the fence" AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE THIS IS A MAN WHO IS TRYING TO BE KIND.

Next up is Michael, who is asked if he actually cheated on Stacey and he rolls his eyes because guys we know I lie about this it's getting boring.

Listen to Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight, where we say things we're not allowed to put in print. Post continues after audio.

"I can't remember," he says before asking if we can move on to Steve now because he submitted a really good question about "Y R U SO SHIT LOL" and he wants to see how he answers it. Please.

Finally, it's Steve and Mishel's turn, and Steve is asked if he has any intention of ever kissing/having sex with/meeting Mishel's sexual needs and the answer is no thank you very much.

That's when KC says to Mishel, "You shouldn't have to beg a guy to be intimate with you..." and Mishel. Has. An. Epiphany.

"Wait," she says.

"So I could have a partner who would voluntarily share a bed with me? And not make me sleep in a double bed with my daughter, while he slept in her bedroom with all her stuff which made things logistically complicated?"

Everyone nods.

"And I could have someone who consents to kissing me on the lips and doesn't comment on his lack of attraction to me while I'm in my swimming costume?"

Again, they nod, and Connie frantically takes notes.

She decides that this relationship with a man who pats her on the back sometimes but otherwise distributes pamphlets declaring that he doesn't find her at all attractive is SH*T and she deserves better.

And sweetie that's what we've been TRYING to TELL you.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 26: You cannot force your husband to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 25: 'I said I didn't want a superficial, materialistic, Instagram girl.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.