The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Michael and Stacey need to break up already.

March 24, 2020

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We open on Stacey announcing that she’ll be having an extravagant final date, please.

A shopping trip to Dubai for example. And sweetie… that’s not in the budget. And also all travel is cancelled indefinitely due to the… pandemic. No… Dubai. For you.

Michael laughs, “Stacey is really, really materialistic. She has banter with it, it’s good fun,” and that doesn’t sound fun but we’ll allow it.

“I work hard, but I’m no Kim Kardashian,” he adds and, Michael. No one was under any illusion you were Kim Kardashian (West).

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 24, 2020

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The Spill

He decides that their final date shall be built upon lies and dishonesty, much like their relationship thus far, so leaves Stacey a Lamborghini key and has her meet him in the city.

Instead, he presents her with a rundown car that is, we quote, "the biggest piece of shit you'll see on the road," and we cannot emphasise enough how much this car looks like our own personal car.

As Stacey gasps because she's being made to touch a second-hand car with cobwebs etc. we are struck by a... question.

Michael. Sir. Where did you... get this vehicle?

Did you... steal it from someone? Because it literally looks like they were in the middle of eating McDonald's given there's a few bags in the back??

Like at the very least return their McDonald's???

YOU OWE ME $10!!! (You can keep the car)

They drive to the side of a road (?) and Michael sets up two camping chairs as well as a bag full of food, such as nuts but also Pop Tops, and we really appreciate Michael's interpretation of how poor people live.

He wants to see if Stacey can be humble and appreciate the simpler things in life and mate, you're the one with a home cinema.

After half an hour, he announces, "she's really taken it all on the chin" and WTF NO SHE HASN'T SHE LITERALLY HASN'T STOPPED COMPLAINING.

She said her face hurt from laughing at how gross the car was and then she refused to touch it and then she said this was embarrassing and then she made fun of the state-of-the-art $20 Bunnings chairs and no one ever talks about Bunnings like that do you hear.

But there's still one more element left to their date, so they get back in the car and leave their f*cking chairs behind?? You can't just leave furniture by the side of the road for someone else to clear up ffs don't rich people know anything?

They FINALLY arrive at a mansion and Stacey gives Michael a gift for no reason.

It's a diary, and she's marked their six-month anniversary and their one-year anniversary, but also little windows where he can fit in a sneaky cheat which he finds very thoughtful and considerate.

Stacey declares that she has no doubts whatsoever about their relationship which is becoming increasingly uncomfortable given we know for a fact they break up and Michael has a new girlfriend now.

"IF THIS ISN'T TRUE LOVE," Michael shouts, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS" and we cannot put into words how far this is from anything that moderately resembles true love.

We need you to break up. And we would desperately like it to happen on the television because we don't have an awful lot else going on right now, do you understand?

But you know who didn’t feel the need to outwardly lie to his wife about the day’s activities? Seb. He did this weird thing where he was just like, ‘Oh hey we’re going to a wildlife lodge in Canberra,’ and she was like ‘OK cool so I’ll dress for a night away,’ and he was like ‘yeah and we’ll probably be hanging out with some tigers too so I guess bring enclosed shoes for… that.’

They arrive in their room at the sanctuary, which features a glass wall showcasing their own personal tiger and pause.

This poor f*ckin tiger did not evolve over millions of years to exist in a glorified backyard and be watched over by a fake married reality TV couple. Who are also going to shower in front of him. And probably have sex. Which is deeply confusing.

But shut up because the tiger has a friend and yes they’re holding hands. The tigers sit embracing each other while staring at Lizzie and Seb and honestly we’re seeing more intimacy from these wild animals than we have from Mishel and Steve this whole season.

"See? We didn't need to sign up to a fake experiment designed to break people."

Their final date (which is a legit holiday, like some of the couples just got dinner wtf???) continues uneventfully, aside from a sexy bath in front of a tiger couple who have their noses pressed up to the glass, fascinated by how this wild ‘human’ species behave.

There’s a lot of talk about ‘barriers’ and ‘vulnerability’ and ‘the future’ and no offence but we’re not here to watch people get along. There’s a pandemic about and we need GOSSIP.

Over at Steve and Mishel's apartment, Steve is getting emotional about how much he likes his new best friend, Mishel. Their favourite activity to engage in is social distancing without Mishel's consent.

He has planned their final date, and tells Mishel to "wear something cool, relaxed, wear some runners, but bring some shoes for later" AND THIS IS WHY WOMEN HATE SURPRISES BECAUSE MEN CAN NEVER ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN HOW TO FCKN DRESS.

He takes her to Luna Park which ordinarily we'd be fine with, but... Look it's a hotbed of disease and we can see it from here.

You're touching too many things with your bare hands. And you're too close to others. And stop touching the sticky metal for goodness sake.

"I knew you liked living life on the edge," Steve says proudly and Jesus you're at Luna Park and the scariest ride is a ferris wheel.

He tells the camera that he hasn't kissed Mishel, but he thinks she's ready for that, mostly because she exclusively yells about it. Which has given him an... inkling.

They pretend to enjoy children's rides, before going to dinner and talking about Steve's feelings and we cannot be here for another one of these conversations.

We’re not here to just watch a civil conversation between two people. If we wanted to do that, we'd just go to a restaurant and eavesdrop (except we couldn't because restaurants got cancelled ffs).

Steve decides that they've had an outstanding final date, while Mishel mutters in the background "ummm you refuse to touch me in my private regions," and look, Steve, the woman has a point.

She decides they're not husband and wife in a "romantic" sense and with all due respect WHAT IS A HUSBAND AND WIFE IN A NON ROMANTIC SENSE.

If Steve doesn't kiss her by the end of the experiment, then she says she'll be ending the relationship and yet again it is critical that we flag how ridiculously low these expectations are.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 29: We need to talk about the alleged cheating video.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 28: "I'm actually speechless."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 27: The 'feedback' no one wanted.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 26: You cannot force your husband to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 25: 'I said I didn't want a superficial, materialistic, Instagram girl.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."