The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

March 8, 2020

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It’s the night after the dinner party and everyone’s talking about that time Steve Aiken stormed out and Josh kept yelling, “STEVE OI STEVE OI. OI. STEPHEN. STEPHEN. OI. STEVE. STEVE. OI. OI STEPHEN,” and so on and so forth.

Josh reflects that he thinks the fight between Steve and Mishel was very “hooley dooley” and yes, very well put darling, we tend to agree.

Over in Michael and Stacey’s apartment, Michael is ranting that Steve really needs to “grow up” and face things like a man rather than storming out. For example, if it were Michael in that position, he would’ve just cheated on his wife with Hayley and then lied about it to a) his (fake) wife b) everyone he knows and loves and c) the whole of Australia, present and future. That’s how adults deal with their problems, Steve. Get a grip.

michael mafs — Like just be a man about it???

But Jonnie and Connie have their own problems. Namely, Jonnie would like to break up with Connie but she keeps saying no... thank you.

He tries to talk to her, but she's in the middle of a puzzle and unless he has the missing piece in his pocket she would like him to vent his relationship problems elsewhere.

Before they head to the commitment ceremony, Josh and Cathy discuss how annoying it is that Evarn and Aleks won't tell them about whether or not they're having anal regularly, which is frankly disrespectful to the process.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 8, 2020

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You see, Evarn insists that his sex life is private, and Cathy’s all like mate if you’re so traditional then why did you get married to a stranger on the TV lol why not just rip the bandaid off and talk about where you put your penis and when like the rest of us ffs.

“Our sex life is no one’s business but ours,” Evarn says, which is exactly the kind of thing you say when you’re not having sex but okay.

Meanwhile, Drew and KC are fighting ever since KC found a toy inside his suitcase and discovered it belonged to his female ‘roommate’.

“A super jealous person is not someone I can see myself with,” Drew says and dude, pls. It appears to both KC and Australia that you low-key have a wife and three children. Of course, she’s jealous. You also haven't said not once that you're not banging your roommate so that's a... concern.

drew mafs — OK so now I'm not even allowed to have a wife.

As the men and women deliberate with each other, Steve says his gut feeling is that he should leave. And... yeah.... we'd imagine so. Given you don’t find Mishel physically attractive and she insulted your lack of testicle. And you stormed out of last night's dinner party and no one thought you were coming back.

But Michael would like everyone to know that for him and Stacey, it's like 'the bone has healed twice as strong' ever since he cheated on her and subsequently continued to lie about it. So yeah, he reckons everyone should hook up with someone else to make their relationship better.

SHUT UP IT'S THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY AND TRISH HAS HER GOLD CAMI ON. She's been practising her questions all week, which include, 'how's the intimacy,' but also, 'how's the intimacy progressing,' and, of course, 'tell me about the intimacy'.

First on the couch are Josh and Cathy and when Trish realises there’s been no intimacy this week, she does what she does best and goes back to sleep.

But Josh is worried that while they’re getting along, they might just be friends, which sounds like something he probably should’ve flagged with Cathy ahead of this public event but okay.

John Aiken, carrying 99 per cent of the mental load of this failed experiment, lets out a knowing sigh. ‘It’s been a tough time…’ he says and are you going to offer any help whatsoever or no.

He simply demands to know whether they’ll be staying or leaving and once they both choose to stay, Trish suddenly wakes up from her dream yells ‘MAYBE IF U SENT SOME SIXY TIXTS’ and no Trish. No more sixy tixts.

Speaking of intimacy, it’s Michael and Stacey’s turn and remember when Michael was intimate with another woman like two weeks ago.

But tonight, he would like to lecture everyone on how to establish the perfect relationship.

You see, he’s spent every waking minute showing Stacey how much she means to him, and says it was his birthday this week and he "went out, had a few drinks… wait no, not drinks, non-alcoholic drinks," and sir you definitely got f*cking plastered.

Stacey announces that she loves Michael and John Aiken asks, "does that mean you’re in love with him?" and sorry John are you a qualified clinical psychologist or a 14-year-old girl who’s just watched The Notebook because wtf is that question.

But pause because Michael has written Stacey a ‘line’ poem and mate it’s called an acrostic poem. Children literally do them in Year One.

And I'm like Romeo except a cheater lol.

It’s appalling and repeats the word 'baby' too many times and we're mortified.

Next up are Evarn and Aleks who had an argument this week because Evarn had a shower at 8:30am which was in the middle of Aleks' 14-hour sleep and pause.

While Aleks' sleeping patterns are obviously aspirational, they are also somewhat concerning and perhaps... we don't know... a health professional in the vicinity could... flag that. As an... issue.

But Trish wasn't listening because she was getting ready to ask her question.

"How's the intimacy?" she asks, with the experts either side of her relieved that she remembered her bit.

But Evarn doesn't like it. He says that's not something they're comfortable talking about and they're "not after sexual therapy" and omg that's so rude Trish is sitting literally right there.

But Trish has decided that THIS. This is the hill she is willing to die on. So she repeats "how's the intimacy how's the intimacy how's the intimacy" and Trish, pls. Evarn makes a valid point.

"This experiment is meant to be uncomfortable," she hisses. "We ask that you do talk about these things. For the experiment. For the ratings. And also for our own personal titillation."

But Evarn isn't stepping down. He doesn't want to tell Trish about his d*ck and she doesn't understand because have you sent a sixy tixt yet or no?

Unfortunately, Trish has exerted all her energy for the night, so expert Mel steps in and accuses Evarn of being "hostile". To their probing. About his genitals.

"I'm feeling pressure," Evarn says, before elaborating, "and I don’t want to talk about our sex life in front of our peers and also the entire country and international community and all generations to come."

But. Mel. Don't. Like. It. Because you don't get to sign up for this show and then decide for no reason that you have 'standards'. She explains that she'd like to make it very clear that there is no pressure from them to have sex, and hold on just one moment.

Remember last week when John Aiken yelled at his father, Sir Steve Aiken, for not engaging in sexual intercourse with his wife because they're "running out of time"? Remember that?

Listen to our Married at First Sight recap podcast, where we say all the things we're not allowed to put in writing. Post continues below.

"It's not an adult film though..." Evarn says under his breath, and ok it wasn't not an adult film when David kept shouting at us that he and Hayley were having unconventional sex that wasn't vanilla but chocolate.

Next up are KC and Drew, and again it takes us a moment to remember who they are/why they’re here/what they’re talking about.

KC begins by explaining that Drew has a teddy in his suitcase, named Rick, who was put there by a woman who he may or may not be in a long-term relationship with. She says when she brought it up with Drew for the 40th time that day, retrieving her corkboard from her handbag, with a dismembered Ricky at the centre of it, he called her ‘super jealous’ and said it was a ‘red flag’. Which was hurtful.

But everyone shut the f*ck up because there’s laughter coming from the corner.

While KC has been recounting how a stuffed toy has created tension in her two-week-long fake marriage, Stacey and Michael have been sniggering. Like this is some kind of joke.

They think it’s silly to be fighting about a doll and ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING LAST WEEK YOU WERE ON THE COUCH TALKING ABOUT HOW HAYLEY HAD TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF VULNERABLE WEALTHY WHITE MAN MICHAEL AND NO ONE LAUGHED NOT EVEN ONCE.

Mel has frankly had enough of everyone’s bullsh*t so tells Michael and Stacey to have some respect for the new couple who sat very quietly and patiently through everyone else’s ridiculous relationship problems and now deserve to have their fake marriage taken seriously, too.

NOW STFU IT'S STEVE AND MISHEL.

Steve explains that he told Mishel he wasn't physically attracted to her to see if maybe she could work on it by being more physically attractive to him specifically and then she got all mad and offended.

"And Mishel didn't even TRY to fix my lack of attraction to her. Not even for a minute!" he tells the experts, and they are all very disappointed in her lack of willingness to compromise.

Steve decides to leave, which we think is for the best until...

Mishel would like to stay. Please. The only reason she shouted at him that she hopes he loses his other testicle after losing the first one to cancer is because she likes him so much and her daughter very helpfully pointed out that whatever she feels like doing she should do the opposite and there is so much wrong with everything you just said we do not have the time nor the energy to address it all.

"That was hugely draining," John Aiken announces and okay mate you work two days a week and one of them is spent sitting in a cupboard watching people eat dinner so sorry if you had to concentrate for 10 minutes.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20. A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.