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OK the experts will not shut up about Intimacy Week and dear God the last thing this show needed was another component.

We just want an endless loop of dinner parties and Commitment Ceremonies and a cheatin’ scandal thrown in here and there until everyone breaks up do you understand. 

Tash and Amanda are still living in separate apartments, and we don’t mean to be rude, but they’ve spent a total of one night together. Ever. They are not, by any definition, in a romantic relationship and are, at best, acquaintances who hate each other.

John Aiken's exemplary advice was to "do something fun together", so Amanda thinks they should cook a meal. "Obviously it'll have to be vegan," she says and Jesus you haven't even started yet and you are full of resentment.

She turns up to Tash's apartment and explains her cooking plans, but there's a problem.

You see, Tash just got her teeth whitened (??) and was told she can only eat white foods for 24 hours and we've never heard of that before but okay.

So now, Tash can only eat white food that is also vegan and this is the most 2020 thing that's ever happened.

"When life throws you lemons..." Amanda begins and no Tash can't eat lemons because they're not white and also a little acidic weren't you listening.

After going grocery shopping, they begin cooking and Amanda decides to ask Tash why she's a vegan which seems reasonable. Tash snaps that she's too stressed to explain the whole story right now which is weird... like just tell her why you're vegan.

Meanwhile, Michael and Stacey are now sleeping in separate apartments after Michael had a drunken night out, which raises the question: How many spare, empty apartments does this building have??? There are people who are homeless?? Maybe if Michael could stop getting drunk there would be a full serviced apartment available for a well-deserving family???

Eventually, he goes back upstairs to see Stacey, telling the camera "I hate getting in trouble..."

Then maybe stop getting f*cked up and yelling at Stacey. Regularly. 

But everyone SHUT UP A MINUTE because Hayley and David PERFORMED INTERCOURSE and they'd like to TELL US ABOUT IT.

"I don't think she expected me to be so dominant," David begins and no seriously stop speaking immediately.

He uses words like "unconventional" (stop please stop) and explains neither of them are "into vanilla sex" (no no no we don't like it) and Hayley shouts "SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST NEEDS HER HAIR PULLED" and it is 7:45pm on a Tuesday night there are children about for goodness sake.

Over at Connie and Jonethen's apartment, Connie has moved to the couch ever since Jonethan had a late-night Insta-stalk which he doesn't regret one single bit.

Connie tells the camera that her phone ban was a "silly rule" so it should've been "easy" and look. How do we put this?

Everyone in the developed world is pathologically addicted to their phone. It's a serious problem, yes, but you're not going to solve it this week and Jonethen, along with the vast majority of us, is a lost cause. 

In Jonethen's defence, he has known his phone for a lot longer than he's known Connie, and it's been there for him when no one else has.

Jonethen then decides that they should go to one of those life drawing classes, where naked people pose in front of you, and Connie gets inexplicably angry.

If there's one thing more uncomfortable than posing naked in front of strangers, surely it's those strangers then fighting, and one leaving midway through. How... disrespectful. To other people's... genitals.

"I didn't come into this experiment to marry a child," Connie says through tears, and okay in fairness, you entered this experiment to marry whoever you were paired with and a child wouldn’t have been altogether surprising.

Meanwhile, there are precisely two developments in Evarn and Aleks' relationship.

The first is that Evarn takes his ring off when he goes to the toilet and we refuse to ask why.

The second is that Aleks has hired an expensive professional to make her attracted to Evarn and isn't this literally what Trish is paid to do. 

Pause.

Hayley is cooking David bacon in her lingerie. We can't stop thinking about all their naughty sex and we just really want some clarification on what they mean by 'unconventional' because we don't like where our imaginations are taking us.

As they're eating, Hayley accidentally says 'I love you' which makes us want to die. She says she meant that she loves his cutenesses (??). Hayley, he was calling you a drug addict literally yesterday. We need to slow the f*ck down.

Over in Mishel and Steve's apartment, they still haven't shared a bed, probably because of Mishel's CPAP machine. During Intimacy Week, Mishel has decided her relationship is boring and she feels like she's in a nursing home which feels rude to Steve but okay.

Suddenly she starts shouting that she wants to go kayaking and sweetie it's 8pm on a Tuesday, we can't always go kayaking.

Steve Aiken is like, 'WOT?' because kayaking is a genuinely weird request for a weeknight and same.

He says he's always 'blowing sh*t up hill' with Mishel and sir, you have mixed up your expressions and it's adding to the confusion.

Mishel calmly explains that she finds Steve boring as f*ck and she doesn't just want to sit around until they both die. When she asks Steve what he likes to do for fun, he says he loves going out for a nice meal and having a glass of wine.

"We might as well go to the retirement village now then, at least they have planned activities," Mishel responds and idk maybe you should check coz they might have kayaking.

But while everyone else has been fighting, Michael has been busy lighting far too many candles and dude we have a statewide fire ban that you are severely breaching.

He tries to make salmon for Stacey but a) can't turn the microwave on, b) doesn't know what temperature to set the oven to, and c) can't cut broccoli and how did you end up a successful businessman if you've never heard of www.google.com.

Eventually, he orders food from a 'ristarant' but tells Stacey he made it from scratch, meaning that the resolution of their fight is based on deceit.

Cool.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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