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HOLY NO WE MADE IT TO THE POO-EY TOOTHBRUSH INCIDENT AND ONCE WE ACTUALLY GOT THERE WE COULDN’T HANDLE IT.
Our task. To recap this episode of television. Is too much. We are not worthy. We do not have the necessary… qualifications.
But alas, we must proceed.
We begin with David, who, being the upstanding citizen he is, took it upon himself to tell Stacey that her fake husband was probably (definitely) hooking up with another woman.
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Stacey was in Adelaide visiting her kids when she got a message from David saying, "it might be in your best interests to find out where your husband is, heard a pretty nasty rumour..." and pause.
1. Since when are people on this show allowed to go visit their kids in Adelaide? Like fair enough, obviously, but why do they make it out like these contestants have sacrificed so much to be here when it currently seems as though they're continuing to work, go to the casino and fly home to another state to be with their family? Wtf? And also,
2. David. Why are you click-baiting Stacey on the status of her marriage?
While Stacey takes the allegations very seriously, she'll have you know that she's a LAWYER and she can't just be taking literally everyone’s word for it when she’s known Michael for three weeks now and he’s only betrayed her trust four times.
Speaking of, Stacey, if you're looking for lawyer work we know of an unnamed person (Hayley) who needs some serious legal representation (it's Hayley) after her former partner forced her to consume faecal matter against her will (pls defend Hayley).
Oh.
It’s Connie. And she’s not coping with the cheating rumours.
“I can’t believe this happened,” she says, and no offence but... why though. It happens... literally every season. Like we’ve never been surer that anything was going to happen in our entire lives.
Over in Natasha and Mikey’s apartment, they’ve decided they might just give tonight’s dinner party a miss and okay but SINCE WHEN IS THAT AN OPTION.
You think darling Connie wants to hear people yell about two destroyed marriages and a poo-ey toothbrush?? All the woman wants in life is to go bowling. And yet. Here she is in her pretty dress. Because she, like the rest of us, knows that bonding over the unravelling of other people is crucial to the development of any long-term relationship.
But shhhh Michael is talking about cheating on Stacey and somehow he's making it all sound very hypothetical and not at all... concrete.
"I’m now faced with all these rumours..." he says and Sir. Perhaps you are faced with the rumours because you happened to do exactly what the rumours are about.
"What is the truth, what isn’t the truth?" he asks and YOU TELL US YOU WERE THERE. "I can only imagine what David, what Stacey, what everyone’s thinking of me as this rumour is going around like wildfire..." he adds with a sense of melancholy and MATE DID IT HAPPEN YES OR NO.
Michael says he will fight tooth and nail to get Stacey back and dude you wouldn’t have to if you stopped getting drunk and being an idiot??
Speaking of Stacey, she's agreed to speak to Hayley before the dinner party which sounds like a terrible idea but okay.
“I want Stacey to know that if she needs me she can turn to me at any point and I’ll have her back,” Hayley says which is lovely but what about when Stacey needed you not to hook up with her husband? How about… then.
Stacey asks Hayley outright if she hooked up with her husband and Hayley says yes before compassionately adding, “It’s a pretty terrible thing to happen."
Pause.
"For you.”
Yes thank you Hayley we got that.
Stacey reminds us again that she’s a lawyer and these “allegations” wouldn’t stand up in a courtroom and oh sweetie no this isn’t a courtroom this is Married at First Sight and he definitely cheated.
OH HELL NO shut up we have confirmation of the toothbrush incident and we don't know what to do with ourselves.
You see, when David found out about the cheatin' scandal, he took Hayley’s toothbrush and scrubbed the toilet with it.
Bizarrely, he decided to film the whole thing. And send it to multiple people. Which suggests he thought it... wasn't entirely f*cked up? And maybe thought it was funny? Which is sick?
Somehow, the video ended up in the hands of Mishel, who ran to Hayley’s door and told her immediately. She might love poo talk and laughing about Steve’s explosive diarrhoea but even she knows that consuming faecal matter is two or three steps too far.
Hayley has decided to pack the poo-ey toothbrush in her handbag so that she can raise it as a piece of evidence tonight and Stacey, it's the court case you've been waiting for.
It's time for the dinner party and yes David is wearing his very best 'I put a toothbrush in the toilet even though I’m a grown adult’ party shirt.
“Wow that’s a shirt!” exclaims expert Mel and OK he’s arrived alone and his wife cheated on him and then he potentially made her super sick but OK.
As the couples arrive, Hayley decides to announce that, yeah, she hooked up with Michael and John Aiken YELLS.
“It’s going to blow up this whole group dynamic,” he says, with a glint of joy in the corner of his eyes and yeah it’s all fun and games until someone literally consumes human sh*t.
Meanwhile, Mishel is in a great mood because Steve bought her a beautiful dress. Probably to apologise. For the diarrhoea. Incident. And since WHEN is this show 99 per cent about faeces.
Oh. Speaking of.
Hayley’s telling people about what David did with her toothbrush and goodness we’re really enjoying listening to the experts try and put words around why it’s ethically wrong to put a toothbrush inside the toilet bowl.
“That’s really crossing a boundary,” John Aiken says and this is... so much more than crossing a boundary.
BUT DINNER IS SAAARVED and Michael thinks now is probably the time to address the room about how he cheated on his current fake wife with another man's fake wife.
He begins by acknowledging the rumours that have been going around: “I kissed Hayley, I slept with Hayley, I was in a room doing a lap dance on Hayley” and um we hadn’t heard half of those but yes go on.
“I did not kiss Hayley,” he announces and WUT NO HE DID NOT. DOES HE TAKE US FOR IDIOTS (probably).
“I’d love to say I can remember every little thing that happened that night,” he continues, but “I cannot apologise for something I have no recollection of happening,” and okay, but you most certainly can.
He then gets very angry that anyone would consider taking Hayley’s word over his and MATE you literally have no word because you were so drunk.
While Michael is busy not denying cheating on Stacey because that would be an outright lie but creating confusion because that’s only frowned upon, Stacey has decided that Hayley took advantage of “vulnerable” Michael. Who didn’t know what he was doing. Because of the alcohol he’d chosen to consume. Even though he promised he wouldn’t.
“He’s a genuinely good guy,” Stacey says, “and he would move mountains for me,” and DUDE HE COULDN’T EVEN NOT CHEAT ON YOU WHILE YOU WENT TO ADELAIDE.
Michael is as shocked as everyone else that somehow he managed to completely avoid any blame for this situation, so decides to go and apologise to David about the time he hooked up with his wife for no reason.
“Nah I should be thanking you,” David says before Michael starts yelling “SHE’S A FULL LIAR HEY” and David’s like “Oh, what no. I hate her but like she’s definitely telling the truth."
It is awkward for everyone but most of all Michael that he continues to lie but also isn’t fully committed to lying which somehow makes it worse.
But, pause.
Everyone’s had a few drinks now and they’ve all remembered the time Michael cheated on his wife and didn’t even get yelled at.
Aleks tells Stacey that Michael has pretty much gotten away with it and Hayley starts shouting “HE’S MAKING A MOCKERY OF YOU” and Hayley maybe it’s time to hush for just a moment.
Finally, Stacey acknowledges that she hates Michael also and accurately concludes that “all you ever do is hurt me”. We learn that he was FaceTiming with her two kids right before he cheated and then Stacey cried in front of them and they were like “what’s wrong mummy” and Jesus imagine trying to explain to a toddler that your fake husband cheated on you with someone else’s fake wife and it’s all the experts’ fault.
BUT HAYLEY’S HAD ENOUGH.
Upon hearing David offering another couple relationship advice she retrieves something from inside her clothing.
We love so much that Hayley brought a prop. And yes. It’s a poo-ey toothbrush. And you better believe she pegs it at David.
“SHE’S GOT THE TOOTHBRUSH SHE’S GOT THE TOOTHBRUSH” Mel commentates and yeah thanks mate we’re across it.
But now Hayley is retrieving her phone because there’s a VIDEO she would like to show her FRIENDS and no guys Connie can’t cope.
This is what your mum was warning you about, Connie. When she looked straight down the barrel or the camera this is precisely what she was envisaging. This is a side of humanity no one should ever have to see.
Mel is gagging and Trish is shaking her head judgementally after waking up from her two-week slumber.
But David shan’t be shamed. He shrugs his shoulders and then says that his mates have done worse to him because with practical jokes there are no limits and mate. The limit is eating your own poo. Eating your own poo is always the limit.
Mishel starts yelling AM I THE ONLY NORMAL ABNORMAL PERSON HERE and yes, quite possibly.
But there's one more twist.
As Hayley cries at the table, saying she's embarrassed by the frankly humiliating thing David did to her toothbrush, Mishel repeats, 'it's OK, you didn't use it. You didn't use it'.
'YOU F*CKIN KNOW I DID,' Hayley yells, and that's it.
We're done.
This show has broken us.
None of this is even mildly acceptable for primetime television.
And someone is either getting fired or sued. Or both.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.
Catch up on all the recaps:
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.
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