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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: When sex is a very bad idea.

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We open on Mishel and Steve and it would appear that a certain someone forgot to pack her CPAP machine and already broke her husband.

Mishel would likely feel guilty if she didn’t feel so unbelievably refreshed.

Mishel.
Mishel.
That's.
That's.
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mishel
Very naughty.

And look, it's at this point we need to flag something.

There are some people who have interpreted our references to Steve being John Aiken's father as a true fact. Which it is.

But not officially.

It is a theory, advanced solely by us, based on the knowledge that a) forcing his (married) father on the show is the kind of thing that Sir John Aiken would do when desperate, and b) they look alarmingly similar.

john-steve-aiken
... Dad?
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Anywho, now that we have our 600 couples (minus Elizabeth), it's time for round two of budget honeymoons and YES Evarn is flying Jetstar to the Gold Coast.

But just hours into his honeymoon with Aleks, there's a problem.

Evarn keeps answering his phone for work reasons and in his defence who has 12 weeks annual leave for a fake marriage. 

Watch: The Experts - Uncut. Post continues after video.

Also, it is our theory (again, theory) that Evarn has not yet paid the kind gentleman who dropped off his white powder on his wedding day. So, yes, it's important he have access to his phone to explain that very soon he'll be spruiking teeth whitening kits on Instagram and be able to pay for his illicit substances in full.

In an attempt to distract Evarn from negotiating with his (alleged) drug dealer, Aleks hires a Rolls Royce for them to drive around the Gold Coast in. Obviously Evarn continues to use his phone, but Evarn being Evarn drops his phone in an irretrievable part of the vehicle.

"Sorry 4 tha delay"
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We proceed to 10-15 minutes of him yelling "I USED TO BE A MECHANIC" (which like, you didn't, but okay) while severely damaging the upholstery and eventually the driver has to take him aside and let him know that he owes Rolls Royce a lot of money. Oh. And they don't have his phone.

Cool.

"It's... ruined."

Over in Fiji, Stacey is trying to explain to Michael why she was so rude at their wedding, before she realised he, in fact, makes a lot of money.

It takes approximately one drink for Michael and Stacey's marriage to fall apart and yes we're listening.

You see, on their first night, Michael managed to befriend another couple on the island (Sir, pls, let people who aren't on reality TV enjoy their normal-people holiday) and get - how do we put this politely...

Hectically shit-faced.

Listen to our very unfiltered Married at First Sight podcast. Post continues after audio.

He was apparently rude to Stacey which honestly we can understand given they've only just met and he likely forgot who she was, and then got up early in the morning to go for a run with an unknown man.

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OK like no offence but why was none of this... filmed. It's hard to decide whose side we're on (it's not) when we don't have all the information.

michael
???

Michael gives a frankly appalling apology, and also promises to stop being on his phone all the time, which is worrying given it is the second day of their fake honeymoon.

Less than 12 hours later, Michael and Stacey become the first couple to have sex, and pause.

We. Are. Missing. Crucial. Plot. Points. In. This. Story.

dr phil
WUT.
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Probably. Because. The. Camera. People. Went. Snorkelling.

The production team are clearly treating this as a holiday, which we do not at all appreciate. Instead, there's an unnamed couple walking around with a nauseating amount of gossip about Michael specifically, and we need their personal details and contact information immediately.

Over in Queenstown, Steve has stacked it inside a Go Kart and we feel sick about it. Sick.

Next, they go skiing, which we can all agree is a significant threat to most relationships and/or family units.

mishel-snow
'I have some things I'd like to say.'

Steve gets annoyed that Mishel won't stop complaining and mate, you're just embarrassed because you fell out of a Go Kart.

Mishel apologises and says she would do things differently in future, before confiding in the camera that actually she probably wouldn't because skiing really is shit and her knee is aching and why the f*ck does the snow have to be so cold and yes darling we very much agree.

She then asks Steve if he might like to get Italian for dinner and this is conflict resolution at its finest.

But we don't... like conflict resolution. We like cheating scandals. And to be honest, our patience is wearing thin.

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Over in Broome, Connie and Jonethen are the purest couple to ever come out of this franchise. There's tension over whether they'll kiss which is funny because Stacey and Michael don't even like each other and they've had sex at least once.

Finally, they awkwardly kiss at dinner and honestly, we would sacrifice the happiness of the other eight couples gladly for the future happiness of Connie and Jonethen.

Speaking of happiness, HOLY HELL TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE FIRST DINNER PARTY AND IF SOMEONE DOESN'T THROW A WINE GLASS THIS SHOW IS CANCELLED.

Until then.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on InstagramFacebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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