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The couples are moving into their shared apartments and holy sh*t, free rent in Sydney almost makes up for the lifetime of trauma that will inevitably come from this experiment. Almost.

Cathy and Josh are the first to explore their new place, and they discover a photo from their wedding beside their bed.

But we… notice something.

Meanwhile, Luke cannot get over the lift in this building. It goes up and then down and then back up again, depending on what buttons you push. Sometimes it goes fast and you can feel it in your tummy and you know sh*t's f*cked when the highlight of your marriage thus far has been the infrastructure of your building.

But Poppy is, as always, distracted because she can't stop thinking about her twins Cock and Block. She tries to make jokes to lighten the mood but just keeps suggesting she throw Luke off the balcony or brutally murder him which feels unhealthy but okay.

Watch: The Experts - Uncut. Post continues after video.

Speaking of unhealthy, Tash feels confused ever since she tried to tell the experts she wasn't attracted to Amanda and everyone told her to get over it and have sex already because it's fckn INTIMACY WEEK.

Amanda starts yelling that she doesn't even get a "stroke on the arm" from Tash and repeat after us: NO ONE HAS TO STROKE ANYONE'S ARM IF THEY DON'T WANT TO.

Amanda continues to demand affection, which surprisingly doesn't work. She gets very angry, mostly because Tash doesn't like her back, and mate this is like a universal problem but you don't get to yell at people about it you just have to cry on your own.

Tash runs to the bathroom and tells the producers that she doesn't think she and Amanda should be anywhere near each other and this. This is why you don't marry a stranger. 

Meanwhile, Michael and Stacey continue to get along effortlessly which is confusing for all of us.

In Connie and Jonethen's apartment, they're fighting about Instagram, which is petty and also a sign two people have spent far too much time together.

Connie confiscates Jonethen's phone to which he basically responds, "I'm fine. Like you're being very attention-seeking and also needy. But I'm fine."

Cool.

She decides that they should write letters to each other about how they feel and okay but you could also just have a conversation. 

Jonethen writes "Can I have ma fone back" in 14 different languages before starting again because he knows he'll get in trouble. Instead, he writes a bunch of stuff about how he likes their relationship and how Connie cleans up sometimes and can he have his phone back now or no?

Over in Vanessa and Chris' apartment, Chris has come down with the flu, making him the second person to get sick in a week and this is what happens when you force adult strangers into close quarters with one another. They get sick. 

BUT WAIT.

Poppy just... quit. Her... marriage.

She acknowledges that she hasn't stopped crying since this experiment started which is good because no offence but she seriously hasn't stopped crying since this experiment started.

A producer breaks the news to Luke and we wail in unison, "NO. BUT LUKE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THE LIFT".

We decide that Luke is the kindest man we have ever met and when he starts crying we curse Channel Nine for getting a man all excited about a lift just to take it away from him.

Poppy cries some more and says she just couldn't sacrifice her sons to meet a potential partner, and someone seriously needs to tell Poppy that she doesn't need to entirely abandon her children to find love.

Over in Hayley and David's apartment, David's had the single worst idea since he chose to stay in the experiment yesterday.

He thinks they should create their own question box after how well that format went for them during the honeymoon. We distinctly recall David voicing his disgust about Hayley's smoking and then Hayley yelling "I ONLY SMOKE WHEN I DRINK" and then David saying he was going to run to the airport until his feet bled and then someone putting a toothbrush in the toilet and now everyone's sick and this is why question boxes don't exist in real life.

Somehow, they manage to go an entire hour without accusing each other of having current drug addiction issues/living in poverty and we can't believe this feels like a step forward.

Meanwhile, Amanda and Tash are still living in separate apartments. Surely, surely, it's at this point, when you haven't spent any time together and yet still keep making each other cry that you have to acknowledge you're not in a relationship.

But Amanda shan't be giving up even though that doesn't feel like her... choice.

Listen to our Married at First Sight recap podcast where we say things we're not allowed to put in this recap. Post continues below. 

She decides to seek help from the wisest of all the experts. Sir Steve Aiken.

Amanda tells Steve that Tash can't handle the strength of her personality and Steve writes a few things down in his notebook, crosses his legs, takes a long pause and lifts his chin before suggesting that perhaps Amanda could "soften her approach". Amanda has a breakthrough, so pays Sir Aiken his $220 and asks if he has any availability for next week.

The producers attempt to explain to Amanda for the sixth time this season that Sir Steve Aiken is not one of the experts but she doesn't understand. They decide to organise a session for the two of them with John Aiken and Amanda's all like "Err yeah I saw this guy two hours ago, he's already been super helpful??"

Tash and Amanda meet for their ~ official ~ therapy session and, yes, John Aiken is late and it's awkward for them. Like ffs, this is your full-time job where are you??

It becomes clear that John is pissed off that he's been asked to do overtime, especially when he went to all the trouble of matching two people with the same sexual orientation and now they can't even get along.

John tries to use the basics of psychology to repair this relationship but dude. You forced two strangers to fake marry each other on the television, you don't get to be all 'professional' now.

In the end, he suggests that they do something 'fun' and omgggg wHaT a ReVeLaTiOn. (It's not a revelation).

But things are getting weird in Stacey and Michael's relationship, ever since he forced her to wipe off all her makeup and then styled her hair like an unhinged six-year-old.

Stacey tells the camera that she feels loved (??) and respected (???) but precisely everything has changed by the following morning.

For the second time in a week Michael has gone out and got wasted and then started yelling at Stacey for no reason.

Look we would never claim to be psychologists and are certainly nowhere near the calibre of Sir Steve Aiken, but Michael, mate, you seriously need to stop drinking and shouting at your wife at 2am in the morning.

It's rule 101 of having a happy fake marriage.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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