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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

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Tash has woken up the day after her fake wedding horrified by the fact she just married a stranger, and look. We thought it was weird too but didn’t want to say anything.

She wants to take it slow with Amanda and it seems too late for that but okay.

Meanwhile, Amanda jokes about hoping the bed is insured because they’re going to have hectic sex on it but there’s no way John Aiken can afford to be insuring shit.

SHHH SHUT UP WE’RE MATCHING MORE COUPLES FOR NO REASON.

First up is Hayley who’s had a rough life and now has decided she wants to own a dog and we don’t mean to be rude but you definitely don’t have to get married in order to own a dog??

Trish says she has a feeling David would make a great match, so it’s at this point we know everything is about to go horribly wrong.

trish
Trish, you just had morning tea. Focus for literally five minutes.

Just once we'd like Mel to stop and say "No, Trish. David is an appalling idea. It's obviously Trent," and for John Aiken to slam his hands on the table and yell, "NO. WHAT ABOUT MY FATHER, STEVE," and then for Trish to cry and waddle off to HR where she cries workplace bullying.

But alas, her fellow experts have been instructed to be kinder to Trish, so David it is.

Hayley and David

hayley-wedding
You look like... strangers.
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Pros

  • Both engage in exercise
  • Hayley wants a dog and David owns a farm

Cons

  • Everything
  • Have had to face adversity - are about to face more adversity

Trish hesitantly mumbles that David might not be able to handle Hayley's "big" personality and dear God they haven't even met yet and there are already significant concerns.

Entirely unsatisfied with their first couple, the experts move on to matching Vanessa and Chris.

Both seem nice enough but it's mentioned in passing that Vanessa lives in Perth and Chris lives in Adelaide which is just a cheeky 28 HOUR DRIVE OR $400 FLIGHT EACH WAY, WHICH IS MORE THAN DOUBLE THE DISTANCE FROM PARIS TO BERLIN DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW FAR THAT IS DO YOU.

Vanessa and Chris

chris
Your lives are fundamentally incompatible.

Pros

  • Chris has a 'good human' job (youth worker) - could potentially be a good human

Cons 

  • Have nothing in common
  • Why would a marriage between two strangers on reality TV ever work
  • Impossible to have children unless Chris' penis is 2,700 kilometres long. Which in itself would be a... con.

David decides to tell his conservative Christian parents that he's about to make a mockery of the institution of marriage and Jesus Christ himself, and he'd really like their support, please.

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He's concerned they'll think he's "ruining the sanctity of marriage" and no, Sir, this show is irrefutably ruining the sanctity of marriage - there is no question.

David's mother describes his decision as "very, very disappointing" while his father simply shouts "NO" at nothing in particular.

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'Of that I am sure.'

With a sigh of relief, David's mother adds, "If she chooses to be a stay-at-home mum that's the most important thing for us," and we feel like that's... not your decision but okay Michelle.

David is pretty stoked his parents didn't blow up which reminds us of when you need to tell your parents something that will make them angry so you make your friend stand in the corner so they can't go full batshit crazy.

Yeah. David did that. Except with a camera crew. From Channel Nine.

It's time for their wedding, and Hayley won't stop screaming. Everyone within a five kilometres radius is sure there's been a (mass) murder and police are on their way.

As she travels to the ceremony, it dawns on us that David's conservative parents are getting this. 

mafs hayley
We're not saying Trish is incompetent we're just saying 100% of her matches are wrong.
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Within thirty seconds of meeting, Hayley swears in front of the entire congregation. David's parents are rocking back and forth and frantically repenting.

To them, none of this is even a little bit funny. It's profoundly offensive. To them, to David's baptism, but mostly to God himself.

The producers ask David's parents what they think and Michelle says, holding back tears and maybe some curse words, "she's... okay". And then her husband holds her. And they weep. And fetch their holy water. For flicking at Hayley.

mafs hayley
"I've still got the number for that exorcist if needed."

At the reception, Hayley announces that she's wearing some fancy underwear and keeps shouting "SHIT'S WILD" and yes darling that's accurate.

She begins beatboxing into the microphone which is scary for David's parents who were expecting some f*cking hymns at the very least.

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David's mum has taken to just shaking her head furiously in an effort to express her disapproval, while David's dad has become exceptionally argumentative.

"I'm just letting you know that she's upset," David's dad tells him, to which he responds, "I can clearly see it," and yes. So can we.

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"Take your time and get to know her," David's dad asks, and mate... the time for that has passed. Given you are sitting at their wedding reception.

Over in Sydney, Vanessa is hesitating to walk down the aisle. She's brought her close friend Toobes because she finds his confidence rubs off on her. Oh, you need some confidence? You should meet our new friend Hayley.

But Vanessa is not Hayley. She's self-conscious about her "disfiguring acne" which is weird because she has an objectively nice face and can someone please interrupt this woman and remind her of that.

After meeting her groom, Vanessa decides he doesn't feel anything for her. "My gut's telling me he's not attracted to me" she says and no, that's not it. He's just nervous because he's getting fake married on the television in front of everyone he knows and loves. 

But they eventually bond over how they both practice intermittent fasting until the afternoon, so that sounds like a fun morning all round.

She tells her bridesmaids that there was "disappointment in his face" when he saw her and one of them responds "Looks are only so much..." which is the single worst thing you could possibly say to anyone.

wedding
...thanks.
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Vanessa returns home convinced that her husband doesn't think she's attractive, and Chris returns home convinced Vanessa is feeling weird about him having two kids.

Dat communication tho. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on InstagramFacebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

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