The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The penis that broke a marriage.

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It’s the very last day of Intimacy Week and while it’s been unsuccessful on precisely all fronts, there’s one crucial development:

Mikey and Natasha did the sex, but only for 10 seconds. 

We know this because Mikey tells a cameraman, and by extension, all of Australia.

Cool.

In an apartment down the hall, Steve is apologising for making Mishel feel silly about her kayaking suggestion, and Mishel apologising for telling Steve he was probably going to die soon and you've been fake married for two weeks and look at what you've become. 

But SHUT THE F*CK UP because tonight is the dinner party and Hayley is fairly certain everyone would like her advice on how to improve their relationship (they don't).

Watch: The Experts - Uncut. Post continues after video.

She describes herself as an "empath" who other women gravitate towards for advice, and we don't mean to be rude but... how do we put this.

....

.......

Your husband called you a drug addict LITERALLY this week. You broke up on day TWO of your honeymoon after a petty fight about your smoking habits and then you scratched David on the face while demanding affection and FURTHERMORE there is an unconfirmed but persistent rumour that at some point - past, present or future - your husband put fecal matter ON the utensil you use to brush your teeth.

Meanwhile, Tash is getting ready for the dinner party in her private apartment. She insists she just wants a 'fun night,' and no offence but like... why are you still... here.

Amanda, on the other hand, wants to "DROP THE MASKS AND DROP THE BULLSH*T" and yes omg same.

She adds that if she's leaving, she'll go out with a bang and yes sweetie that's exactly the kind of thing people say before they throw a fruit bowl at fellow contestants.

SHHH the experts are in their cupboard ready to spy on the dinner party, and when David and Hayley arrive, they immediately try to take credit for the fact they're having sex now.

But Trish, no. This has precisely nothing to do with you. You don’t get a gold star because they’re having unconventional sex.

"THIS IS GREAT," John Aiken yells and dude, calm tf down.

John's mood, however, drastically changes when Amanda walks in alone. He went to all the trouble of counselling them when he could've been watching Cheer on Netflix and STILL Tash won't hook up with Amanda. Not even just a peck.

Hayley decides it would probably be helpful for her to stage a therapy session, and starts lecturing Amanda about her relationship, but again. We would like to draw the jury’s attention to the poo covered toothbrush.

"There is no relationship in 'I'. There is ‘us’ in this" she says, and holy sh*t Hayley's broken but she keeps giving unsolicited advice. 

Watching it unfold, Trish raises one eyebrow and remarks, "here's Dr Hayley" before proceeding to giggle for 15 minutes and we're very glad we have the expertise of a clinical neuropsychotherapist on this show.

Meanwhile, Steve and Mishel are joking that they want to adopt Mikey as their son, but no. Steve already has a son.

Sir John Aiken.

And Sir John Aiken doesn't need a brother.

Speaking to Michael and Stacey, Natasha decides to open up about the time she and Mikey had sex for 10 seconds and pause.

On the one hand, that's probably a joke Mikey gets to make. About his penis.

But on the other, it's a joke he's already made in front of a camera crew. Who will air the comment. To the nation. For the indefinite future. It is now a living historical document that can never be destroyed.

Michael, however, being the upstanding citizen he is, decides it's very inappropriate for Natasha to talk about Mikey behind his back, and yes, Michael will be stirring sh*t after dessert.

Listen to our Married at First Sight recap podcast where we say things we're not allowed to put in this recap. Post continues below. 

Anywho, surprisingly, Hayley decides to offer some advice at the dinner table, suggesting that the key to a good relationship is open communication.

Listen here. Just because you have unconventional sex doesn't mean you get to COUNSEL people on their fake marriages you hear?

In an effort to make Hayley... stop... Michael stages a decoy and picks a fight with John Aiken's dad.

Steve retaliates by bringing up the bucks night when Michael insisted he would be kissing his wife on the lips and we've never understood an argument less in our entire lives.

Point is, Steve demands Mishel shut up before yelling "I DON'T GIVE A F*CK WHO JUDGES ME" and omg John Aiken is going to be so mad that his dad embarrassed him like this.

"I'm a bit surprised Steve's falling for Michael's baiting here," John says casually and mate stop defending your dad he's lost it.

Michael starts lecturing Steve on how to speak to his wife and dude. You've been thrown out by your wife twice in a week because you keep yelling at her at 2am for no reason. 

Meanwhile, Hayley would like everyone to know that Dave slapped her arse so hard in bed the other day there's still a handprint and we can SEE how Natasha might have become CONFUSED over what's PUBLIC and what's PRIVATE.

But Michael has decided that Natasha ought to be punished for "sex-shaming" her husband, so sits him down with the intention of ruining not just his night but also his (fake) marriage.

Michael explains that Natasha told him but also Stacey that he only lasted 10 seconds in the bedroom and OK ffs.

You told 21 million people Mikey. You don't get to be weird about Michael knowing.

But Mikey decides he's never been so humiliated in all his life and leaves the dinner party. Natasha then confronts Michael who pretends to think that what he did was both fair and important and Michael while we commend you on your hard work tonight, you also don’t get.... credit. For destroying... fake marriages. That we were.... bizarrely invested in.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.