The Twins recap Married at First Sight: A big sex lie is laid bare.

March 11, 2020

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No.

Connie has bought Jonethen the most passive-aggressive gift we’ve ever seen and we need one immediately.

It’s a buzzer for him to press whenever he feels ‘a bit neggy’ (likely because he’s trapped in a fake marriage against his will) that delivers positive affirmations.

For example, if John Aiken won’t let you leave your relationship because the rules of the pointless experiment forbid it, you press the buzzer and it says: “I am wise beyond my years.”

Cool.

Over in Josh and Cathy's apartment, Josh has woken up alone, having not spoken to Cathy ever since he bitched about her with his mum while Cathy was sitting right beside him. This, of course, begs the question of how Cathy got home from Newcastle, and whether she has been appropriately contained from spreading the dangerous virus, COVID-19 MaFS (she hasn't).

But everyone SHUT UP because Michael has gossip and no it doesn't quite make sense.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 11, 2020

The Biggest Lie The Kardashians Ever Told

The Spill

He says he's been told by Aleks that she and Evarn slept together, which he finds unfair because why won't you tell the group/the producers/all of Australia the intimate details of your sex life??? It seems dishonest?? And Michael is a big advocate for honesty ever since he cheated on his wife and lied about it??

Michael has decided the only noble thing to do is to bring up this information at the dinner party, even though, according to him, neither of the people involved want it made public. While it's clear that there is no moral incentive for Michael's plan, we genuinely appreciate his dedication to sharing gossip with us, the people. It also upsets the experts and we like that very much.

Watch: MAFS' Aleks on what actually happened on her 'date with another man'.

HUSH NOW it's dinner party time and Seb and Lizzie arrive first. There's no one currently present to yell at about the details of their sex life, so they... hide. To scare their... acquaintances.

When Michael walks in, Seb jumps out and bellows 'IT'S TICKLE TIME' and not to a grown man, Seb. Not to a grown man.

But Aleks and Evarn are here, and the experts can sense something isn't right with their marriage. Mostly because Aleks is telling everyone she has no romantic feelings for Evarn, and Evarn is inhaling a cheese platter.

"You know when you just have an epiphany or a moment?" Aleks explains to Connie about her newfound resentment for her husband Evarn, and yes, we think that moment was the... meat. Incident.

In the privacy of their cupboard, John Aiken decides now is a good time to performance manage Trish re. her inappropriate interrogation of Aleks and Evarn's sex life the other night.

"You were really giving them the third degree, Trisha," he says, which is the name he uses when Trish is in trouble. She nods excitedly but sweetie, no. This is a formal warning do you understand.

Trish(a) remarks that it's strange Aleks has done such a 180 on Evarn, and the experts ask themselves "Why now?"

We don't fckn know guys you're the experts why don't you tell us.

Once everyone arrives, Mishel and Steve encourage them to gather 'round because they've brought some gifts.

For reasons we will never understand, they present everyone with a teddy bear, and they better be claiming these back on tax because 20 teddy bears wouldn't be cheap??

But Michael is still speaking in riddles and the more he says the less we understand.

"She cannot sit there and get away with this," he says to no one in particular and GET AWAY WITH WHAT, MICHAEL. WE'RE GOING TO NEED MORE DETAILS.

Once they're all seated at the dinner table, Michael takes it upon himself to start shouting at Aleks and yes, darling go on.

"You told me you slept with him," he says to Aleks, which Josh then backs up and why do we suddenly trust Michael implicitly this is not how we expected our Wednesday night to go.

Evarn steps in and defends Aleks and DID YOU HAVE SEX OR NO THIS IS A MATTER OF CRITICAL IMPORTANCE.

As Aleks storms out of the room Michael mutters that he only "tickled the surface" and you, Sir, are an Australian hero.

Evarn follows Aleks out to comfort her, while Michael continues spreading rumours and excuse us turn up the volume.

"When I was in the lobby yesterday," Michael says casually, "she was coming back from a date with a bloke," and WUT.

"DID WE JUST HEAR THAT CORRECTLY," Trish proclaims and oh guess who's wide awake now that there are cheating rumours on the table. Nice of you to join us seven weeks in.

Listen to the Mamamia recaps podcast, where we say things about MAFS we're not allowed to put in print. Post continues after audio.

But excuse us because Mishel has some information to add on the matter.

You see, Mishel and Aleks went to a Serbian event. Obviously. And they met some new friends. And one of them was named Ben and he really liked Aleks and MISHEL WHY DID YOU NOT TELL US THIS EARLIER.

"I didn’t know she was catching up with him," she tells the camera, guiltily, and less distributing teddy bear gifts and more sharing gossip that could potentially blow up a marriage, OK?

steve — "Shut up Steve, Michael is speaking."

Finally, Aleks and Evarn decide to rejoin the dinner party but Aleks will have you know that she did not sign up to be questioned about her relationship and... oh. That's like. Literally what you did. But continue.

Michael asks Evarn if he and Aleks still have an "open phone policy", to which Evarn replies, "Nah, not anymore". Which we guess tends to happen. When one of you is cheating. With someone she met at a Serbian festival.

Mishel decides to corner Aleks and ask if she went on a date with their new friend Ben while still fake married to Evarn which goes down as well as you'd expect.

OH SHIT.

Aleks starts yelling at Michael, "I WENT ON A DATE ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS" and... did you? We honestly don't know anymore??

But excuse us there is a twist which is one thing this episode certainly didn't need.

It turns out that Evarn has been a) telling everyone he and Aleks are "rootin' like rabbits" and b) he told Michael and Josh to bring it up at the dinner party in front of everyone.

Just to... reflect.

On what happened on prime time television tonight.

We went from Aleks being the victim of her own feelings. But then we discovered she be doing a cheat. Which makes Evarn the victim. But then he actually told Michael and Josh to stick up for him and when they did, he ended up making them look bad. Making them the victim(s).

Is Trish the f*cking victim here??

Aleks loses it because now she can't even trust Evarn who set up some bizarre situation that involved making everyone else look bad but him look... good.

But now he looks bad.

Very, very bad.

That's when Evarn decides to stare down the barrel of the camera and say in an even, unwavering tone, "I love Aleks" and we're fckn terrified.

"There is a shimmer of hope still in me..." he adds, and this man needs to be evicted. Immediately.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."