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Well. 

After last night’s Commitment Ceremony multiple couples are being forced to live together against their will and excuse us while we turn up the volume.

Natasha and Mikey are continuing to live in separate apartments, and Steve and Mishel aren't speaking to each other, so the probability of resolution seems high all round.

We are served (unnecessary) flashbacks of Mishel yelling, "I'M OUTTA HERE" and pause. Because there's something we did not adequately address at the time.

Remember when Mishel literally tossed her wedding ring across the room after reading out an eight-page letter of Steve Aiken's failings, and then learned that she had to stay married because thems the rules and so she proceeded to search for the ring on the floor and then put it back on her reluctant finger?

And the experts watched in silence?? Remember that???

Anywho, the following morning Mishel decides she'd like to revisit her letter, which is really just an elaborate feedback form. Directed at Steve's personality. And yeah. She'd like additional space for further comments.

Point 63b is what Mishel describes as "this thing where you stop me from speaking," but Steve interjects. "No, I’ll stop you there, I don’t do that," he says and Sir. 

You have a problem.

But omg mayday we repeat MAYDAY Hayley and David's relationship has "taken a turn for the worst" and yes, pls go on.

You see, they decided to watch a movie last night but Hayley kept making comments even though David just wanted her to shut the f*ck up. While we understand wholeheartedly the emotional significance of this fight (we don't) we love that the couple who have been lecturing everyone on how to be married were broken by a prolonged fight scene in a movie that, in Hayley's defence, sounds very, very bad.

Apparently David asked Hayley to hush six times (six times is a lot of times) and then Hayley called him a sook and asked if he wanted a tissue or a box (??) and then David said "go back to your dungeon you chauvinistic pig" and BOTH OF YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY SKIPPING STEPS CAN WE GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

David says with a sigh of resignation that he doesn't like Hayley's "tonality" with him, and "Hayley's just Hayley and I'm over it" and sweetie, pls, does unconventional sex mean nothing to you?

But things are looking up in Connie and Jonethen's relationship (they're not) ever since they were meant to go bowling and Jonethen bailed because he was out drinking with da boiz.

It's at this point we realise there is no dignity to be maintained in a fight about bowling.

In Jonethen's defence, bowling is a kinda rogue activity, but look. We're not experts, but if all the men could just stop going out and getting sh*tfaced for no reason on a weeknight then maybe their wives wouldn't be crying all the time.

Over in Stacey and Michael's apartment, they're about to have friends and family over, and Stacey remarks that her friend Brooke has barriers up so high that she "BUILT THE CHINA WALL" and someone seriously needs to tell this woman that you mean the Great Wall of China. That's what you mean.

When Brooke arrives, she asks Michael why he keeps choosing drinking and going out with the boys over Stacey, which is a good question that no one - including the experts - has bothered to ask.

Michael's mum listens to the details about how her son has been getting drunk and yelling at Stacey for no reason, and she gently tells him that yes, it is super disrespectful, with a quizzical look.

But none of that matters because quiet.

The star of this season is here and yes it's Connie's mum.

"She [Connie] made us come and we didn't want to," she begins and darling how we've missed you.

She's asked whether since their short interaction at the wedding, she's wanted to know more about Jonethen, and pauses before replying, "no. Not at all."

Connie's mum, pls.

But when she arrives at the apartment, Connie is... missing. Mostly because she hates Jonethen so much.

Jonethen starts explaining what happened last night and Connie's sister interrupts with, "Oh, yes, Connie loves bowling," and why tho.

Finally, Connie arrives home and tells her side of the story and her mum is... engrossed. She nods along while muttering under her breath, "Ah yes I know why people watch this sh*t."

Connie is unable to speak, keeps trembling, is frequently losing her temper and has been traumatised by explicit sexual stories courtesy of her new friend, Hayley, and you better believe her mother is worried.  She catches Connie rocking back and forward whispering "unconventional sex unconventional sex" and stages an intervention.

"If you're unhappy in this then come home," she says in front of a table full of people, including Connie's current husband, and all the production crew. "They're all f*cked..." we swear we hear her say but maybe we're projecting idk idk.

Speaking of f*cked, Steve Aiken can't stop pooping and if you thought this show was better than televising a man moaning on the toilet while suffering from crippling diarrhoea then you are sorely mistaken.

We get a close-up shot of a toilet door while Steve whimpers in pain, before walking out and saying to Mishel, "wouldn't go in there if I were you" and was this scene entirely necessary? (Yes).

Complaint number 406, which she clearly outlined in section iii, was that Steve got mad when she talked about going for a poo and you better believe that she's really enjoying this newfound poo talk.

She slaps her knee in eager excitement as Steve draws on additional details such as texture and consistency and goodness he's finally learned how to make Mishel happy and she really appreciates it.

But as fun as poo talk is, diarrhoea is serious business, and thankfully Mishel starts taking some precautions against Steve Aiken's illness.

She sprays stuff all around their apartment and then makes him sit 10 metres away from the dinner table and no seriously why is everyone so sick all the time this isn't normal they need a doctor who isn't John Aiken. 

The lunch goes well, but Steve decides to open up to Mishel in the afternoon about how much he misses his son. He cries and Mishel says it's endearing to see his vulnerability and we don't doubt that Steve is feeling emotional but he might also be crying a little bit because he's been suffering from horrendous diarrhoea for 24 hours now and the cameras captured all of it. Get the man a Powerade he's dehydrated for goodness sake.

Over at Hayley and David's lunch, they're doing everything they can not to tell Hayley's dad all about the unconventional sex they've been having and you both need to calm. 

Listen to our recap podcast, where we talk about things we're not allowed to put in writing. Post continues after audio.

But David can no longer cope with Hayley and he thinks maybe her dad and friend might also like to bitch about Hayley with him.

He's almost in tears because he didn't get to finish his movie last night and he has no idea how it ended, but he's heard the car transforms back into a robot and if that's not the formula for a cinematic masterpiece he doesn't know what is.

As David begins to relive the trauma that was Hayley interrupting his movie, she butts in to ask if she can start eating and no. He's getting flashbacks.

"I just want you to hurry up and get to the point a lot of the time," she says and David is going to flip this table. 

Hayley's dad says David is making it sound like everything is her fault, which is a good point because at some stage throughout filming David puts Hayley's toothbrush in the toilet and we think it's probably around... now.

Eventually, David asks if anyone has any advice for how to deal with Hayley and using his blinks as morse code, Hayley's dad signals: I. J.U.S.T.S.T.O.P.P.E.D.S.P.E.A.K.I.N.G.I.N.1.9.9.5.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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