The Twins recap Married at First Sight: When you accidentally break up with your wife.

March 25, 2020

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We open on each couple being delivered a USB stick and omg can you please sanitise that before touching it with your bare hands like it’s no big deal??

But no one sanitises. Instead, they put it into the TV (?) before touching their face and then putting their hands in each other’s mouths.

Cool.

Each couple has been given their audition tapes to watch together and bizarrely they’re all shocked that it’s… them. On the TV.

michael-audition — Is it random though???

Michael tells producers in his tape that he can probably be flirtatious with the opposite sex when he's in a relationship and no... sh*t.

But then it's Stacey's turn. The producer asks how she afforded her Rolex watch and designer handbag, to which she responds, "you'll have to ask my ex" and this legitimately answers a lot of questions we had about your lifestyle so thank you for your honesty.

Over in Jonethen and Connie's apartment, they both watch Jonethen describe himself as "affectionate" and "touchy feely."

Connie immediately decides he's lying because he's not like that with her and OK in Jonethen defence he's... broken up with you. Three times now. Which might be... why.

mafs — "I meant to say I'm affectionate in consensual relationships. I'm sorry for any confusion."

Clare and Jessie Stephens

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Connie is then seen crying about being lonely, telling a producer that she doesn't want to go to the movies or dinner on her own anymore and - we cannot stress this enough - you are not legally allowed to congregate in groups you must do everything on your own do you hear us.

On Seb's tape, he describes himself as "eccentric" and really?! No! (Yes).

But it's Steve's tape that delivers us the tension we've been waiting for.

"I don't particularly want to be matched with someone my own age," he says. "I want to be matched with someone in their mid to late 30s."

Watch: Steve's audition video for Married at First Sight. Post continues after video.

Video by Channel 9

He continues, "My last date, I was walking up to the bar, and she turned around and I went 'NUP' straight away. She was 49."

Mishel helpfully points out that she is 48, nearly 49, and Steve is all like: YEAH WHAT WHY WHO CARES AGE IS JUST A NUMBER NOT ONE IOTA OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT A PROBLEM and mate stop... yelling.

When Mishel clarifies that Steve was after someone in their mid to late thirties he begins arguing with himself in the video.

Mishel suggests they play the video again just so that he can stop saying that he didn't... say the thing... that he said... in the video... that they've momentarily paused. So she replays it and he (weirdly) says exactly the same thing he said last time.

"Did I say I want to be matched with someone in their mid to late 30s?" he asks and holy sh*t dude that's verbatim what you said.

BUT SHUT THE F*CK UP IT'S THE FINAL DINNER PARTY.

Seb and Lizzie turn up an hour or so... early. Which tells us everything we need to know about them.

As the other couples start to arrive, Seb tells everyone about his lovely final date and his good friend, the leopard. The men joke that if Stacey saw a leopard she’d wonder how many jackets she could make out of it, which is very funny and also endearing (it isn’t).

“Something is troubling Mishel...” John Aiken observes from his cupboard, and we think it’s probably her failed fake marriage but honestly, we can't be sure.

But just as everyone is sitting down at the table, John Aiken escapes from his cupboard and presents to the group the 'Honesty Box'. He leaves it with the couples, alongside a note that says: "HONESTY BOX ONE MORE FIGHT PLS. LOVE SIR JOHN AIKEN. P.S. HI DAD MISS YOU."

It becomes clear that the experts have enlisted the help of Michael to write upsetting questions designed to break relationships and start sh*t, and he's very proud of his fine work.

Confused about why - as a 30-year-old man - he's suddenly playing a weird truth game over dinner, Seb pulls the first question out of the box and asks Lizzie: Are you falling in love with me?

'No,' she responds.

Cool.

But pause, quick question: When was the last time Trish spoke? Like actually think about it.

OK, continue.

Next up are KC and Drew, and KC's asked what she's prepared to do to make this relationship work. She says she's willing to fly to Cairns every weekend (you won't), or every second weekend (again, you won't), and everyone thinks that's very lovely. Except Drew, who explains he's kinda... busy on the weekends. With music. And other... plans.

This is why this show never makes sense. It always gets to this point and people drop bombs like 'oh I live in the middle of nowhere and I'm not prepared to move,' or 'oh I'm busy on weekends and also sadly during the week' and why didn't you think about these constraints before you agreed to get fake married for no reason.

Drew then gets asked if he thinks KC is materialistic to which he replies, “Yeah, coz she is,” and then they have the same argument for the 12th time. Which is fun for us. As viewers.

When it gets to Michael, he asks a question he wrote himself: “Would you have fallen in love with me if I wasn’t financially comfortable?”

Stacey pauses and asks if he’d still have his fridge with the ice machine and also his home cinema and how about the indoor gym with the treadmill, and Michael says no probably not, and then Stacey cries and says she would never want to imagine such a thing.

stacey-money — Wait wait wait this is confusing.

Next, it’s Connie and Jonethen’s turn, and Connie is asked if she thinks Jonethen came here for the right reasons.

She decides that no he didn’t. Mostly because he said he was affectionate in his video when HE HAS NEVER TOUCHED HER ONCE and Connie, the man has exclusively said the word “Leave” for a month now and this is why.

But finally we get to Mishel and Steve, and Mishel asks: “Has age been an issue for you?”

“Age is not an issue for me,” Steve begins. “What you’ve taught me … I’ve learned a lot more about dating perhaps slightly older women than what I would normally date and I think that is the direction I will go…”

Oh.

Um.

WOT.

Expert Mel wakes Trish and declares: “HE’S JUST BROKEN UP WITH HER” and John Aiken sits back proudly, muttering, “I told you the Honesty Box was a good idea.”

Mishel clarifies, “The direction you will go?” and Steve says, calmly, “in the future, yeah” and SIR YOU ARE CURRENTLY MARRIED WE NEED YOU TO FOCUS.

Mishel decides to ask again, “Are you physically attracted to m....” and Steve cuts her off to shout “NOOO NOPE NUP NA NAY NEIN NON” and yes Steve you’ve made yourself very clear.

But Mishel has decided she’d like to know why Steve doesn’t find her attractive which we can assure her is not a question anyone ever wants the answer to.

She demonstrates to Steve, “I’d say, I like your chest. I don’t like… your forehead,” and OK this isn’t how we speak to our partners but yes Mishel, go on.

Everyone starts chanting that Steve has to tell Mishel why he won’t touch her genitals, until he finally says “I NORMALLY DATE TALLER WOMEN” and honestly we respect your lie under such immense pressure.

“He made that up” Mel says, shaking her head, horrified that Steve won’t just tell his wife honestly what he hates so much about her physically.

And we personally think this is a terrible... game. To play.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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