If you’ve seen Fifty Shades Darker, released last week in Australia, or read the book by E. L. James, then no doubt you’ve found yourself grappling with the all-important question;
“What do vag balls feel like?”
For anyone who has escaped the Fifty Shades frenzy – here’s some context.
Before attending a masked ball, the films leading man, Christian Grey, whips out some silver pleasure balls.
This leads his love interest and leading lady Anastasia to say “I’m not putting those up my butt!”
Oh. Um, no Anastasia. Not in your butt. That is not where they belong.
Rather, Christian asks that she get onto all fours, and he inserts silver balls into her vagina. Because that's what we all do before a night out on the town.
But guys, Anastasia is totally into it.
In the book she says, "I flush from the constant movement of the silver balls. They weigh down inside me, massaging me internally and make me needy, needy for sex. Oh, the sensation is exquisite."
Firstly, at the quality of the writing, but secondly at how they make her needy for sex. Goodness...
She attends the party and is aroused literally the whole time... which I guess is just the plot-line of all three books, but something about the balls make her particularly aroused.
Anastasia gives Christian a knowing look every time she a) claps, b) giggles, c) speaks to anyone or d) crosses her legs.
Later that night, he takes her into his childhood bedroom and removes the silver balls, before having sex with her.
But I wasn't even concentrating by this point, because I was overwhelmed by very important questions:
- Do vag balls hurt to insert?
- How deep do you put them in?
- Do they definitely fit? They look very... big.
- How do they not just... fall out? On the floor? With a loud 'clunk'? In front of all your family and friends? ("Oh... oh excuse me. Allow me to just retrieve my vagina balls from the floor. Does anyone have a cloth?")
- Do they actually feel that good?
So, I obviously consulted Google.
We then reached out to Love Honey - and they sent us a bunch of vagina balls to, um, sample.
With our vaginas.
So I took one for the team. I put my vagina on the line for the benefit of the sisterhood. Trialled two big ol' metal balls so YOU don't have to.
It all began when I peeked inside the box and realised they were way bigger than I expected. I was anticipating M&Ms (naive) and I was delivered golf balls (exaggeration).
Looking at them, I had never felt less aroused.
Given I had vag balls delivered to my desk, you'd assume I had abandoned my dignity altogether. But I drew the line at actually inserting them at work. Oh, no. That would just be crass.
Speaking of crass, listen to Monique Bowley, Laura Brodnik, Luca Lavigne and I recap Fifty Shades of Grey. Post continues below.
That night I went home with my little package stuffed into my bag.
After a few hours of procrastination/showering/muttering to myself "I don't get paid enough for this", I took them out of their packaging.
I am a single, modern, independent woman and thus do not have a Christian Grey to insert my balls for me.
So I grabbed some lube (which is recommended in the instructions) laid on my bed (I feel like I'm writing erotica right now, I apologise) and tried to pop the first ball in.
It took a little bit of time but I am resilient and also hard working. Eventually, gravity did it's thing, and in it slid. The second closely followed.
For a moment, I needed to pee.
And then it was... fine.
I wouldn't say 'exquisite', and 'arousing' would certainly be a stretch. So I'm just going to settle with 'fine'.
I then jumped up to go and do some everyday things, just like my mate Anastasia. But something happened.
It felt like when you've had a tampon in for a few hours and your period is particularly heavy, so your tampon starts to exit your body on it's own accord.
It's not particularly pleasant. But that's what my vag balls were doing.
Sliding back out.
I was then struck with an identity crisis.
Did I have a weak pelvic floor?
What the hell is wrong my vagina?
Do I need to go to the doctor about my inability to keep vagina balls in like Anastasia?
By this point they'd completely come out and I was just straight up walking around with heavy balls weighing down my underpants. Cool.
But I wasn't about to let two steel balls defeat me. So I reread the instructions and tried again.
Okay - so I feel like no one ever told me you were meant to clench your muscles together to keep them in place. Christian certainly didn't pass those instructions onto Anastasia before the dinner. My cynicism that the balls would have most likely fallen out with a big BANG on the floor, wasn't so unfounded after all.
This time, I spent a bit longer putting them in and let them, um, settle.
I then walked around my house, clenching my vagina muscles as hard as I could, and experienced at least 10-15 minutes of success.
But then my sister made me laugh. And... and they started to fall out again.
I don't know if experiencing the sensation of having my vag balls slowly drop out of my vagina was something I necessarily needed in my life, but it is certainly one I won't forget.
These things actually weigh like 10 kilos. They don't, but they also kind of do.
And they're... slippery. And they have a heavy thing on the end designed to help pull them out. They're weighty, and also how about gravity? And steel. And my vagina didn't want balls up in there, it just didn't.
In the 15 minutes they were up there, I was aware of them. They did not, however, make me "needy for sex". I wasn't walking around orgasming all over the place.
It just felt like I'd put two silver sizeable balls up my vagina and was desperately trying to keep them in.
The whole experience was anticlimatic. Literally.
I don't want to tell you what to do with your vagina, but I don't think silver pleasure balls are for me. It probably also doesn't help that they specified for "intermediate to advanced" users and I definitely don't fall into either of those categories.
The reviews on the website swear by them. One read "I've tried pleasure balls before but nothing can compare to these. They are discreet but the weight of them pressing on you drives you wild."
Another said, "They're heavier than I thought they would be but that just adds to the pleasure and I love the cold feeling inside me. Also if I'm having a play with my clitoral stimulator whilst the pleasure balls are inside I get an intense orgasm!"
I can't help but feel like I was definitely doing the pleasure balls all wrong.
You can buy a bunch of Fifty Shades Darker toys at Love Honey, here.
You can follow Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here.