I've been a Sex Editor for two years now, and while I've loved having hot and spicy conversations with sex education advocates, chats with couples going through the wringer with sexual impotence, and debunking chaotic sexual pop culture moments... there's a thing I have been avoiding talking about.
And that thing is kegel balls.
It takes a lot for me to be spooked by a sex toy, but I've really lived in partial fear that one day the Editor in Chief would turn around to my desk and say the fateful words: 'Have you done anything on kegel balls yet, Katie?'
I'm guessing you've figured out by this point (and by reading the headline), that this fateful day has come and I've been tasked – in a completely non-HR-red-flag-way – to shove some kegel balls up my vagina and write about it.
So, welcome to my tortured personal diary, tracking my adventure with the one sex toy I've been avoiding.
My first impression...
Before I dive into the insertion, I need to talk about the vibe of these guys.
Because let's face it, kegel balls are a weird contraption. They honestly look more like a dog chew than a sex toy, and my brain has been so hard-wired to believe that sex toys should buzz, wriggle or tingle that seeing a static pair of metal balls lying there seems... disappointing. At best.
To be fair to them, the point of kegel balls isn't really to allure or arouse, but instead to work as a pelvic floor strengthener – a muscle trainer, if you will.
...And yes, the thought of them being some kind of fitness accessory just lowered my libido even further...
But people do use kegel balls for pleasure now – and that's thanks to some developments in kegel-ball-thinking. These days you can get vibrating balls, ones with fluid weights inside and ones that even glow in the dark. Not really a pleasure sense development with that last one, but more of a glowy vagina novelty you can have a laugh about.
I've opted for a not-so-glowy option for my trial this week, picking the Broad City 'Natures Pocket' Kegel Balls out from my sex toy wardrobe. Yes, I do have an actual wardrobe for my sex toys. I'm not lying. I just take my job very seriously.
These guys have little hidden weighted balls inside their outer balls, which freely roll around while they are inserted. And they can be used with or without the silicone strap – but it's best to stick with the strap for a first timer!
The kegel balls. Image: Supplied.
Despite the inner-ball design upping the satisfaction stakes, I'm still not feeling very hot under the collar about using kegel balls this week. But alas, investigative journalism beckons, and up the vag they must go!
The first time I put them inside me...
It's kegel ball day.
I've got my balls to the left of me, and my lube to the right, and when I look up at the mirror placed at the end of my bed I spot a hesitant face staring back at me. One with a look that says, 'What is your job, Katie?' and 'Suck it up sunshine' at the same time.
As instructed on the box, I smear the kegel balls in lube – a step I know is necessary as I am as dry as burnt toast thinking about what I'm about to do, so relying on natural lubrication is a no-go.
Now, it's time to do the damn thing.
But wait. Do I insert standing up or laying down? I think about what I usually do when I have to put a tampon in, and adopt the semi-squat stance. Hot.
Getting the first ball in is uncomfortable. My body feels a little bit like it's trying to prevent this intruder from getting in, but I persist and the first ball pops up inside me.
And then I stop.
I don't think I'm ready for a second ball rodeo on my first go.
Please don't be disappointed in me, because I will get there, I promise. But for now, I am making the executive decision to walk around my house with one kegel ball inside of me, and the other dangling out.
The ball inside me feels bizarre – and yes that may be because of my wuss-out with ball two means I'm wandering around pantless – but the inner ball has a movement to it that I can't quite explain. The closest comparison I could think of is you know when you're quite drunk and you turn your head quickly, and it feels like your brain follows behind in a slow-motion jelly manoeuvre? Well, that's the sensation happening in my vagina.
With just the solo ball in there, I'm really not feeling any sort of aroused. Just more as if I've chosen the least absorbent tampon in the world to get me through my period. I feel so unsexy, and so I switch the focus – I'm not going to wank today, I'm going to work out.
My vagina does a HIIT class...
I turn to my old faithful educator (YouTube) to find a video on how to do pelvic floor exercises whilst having one or more kegel balls inside me. In very un-breaking news, it appears it's exactly the same way I do pelvic floor exercises without having any balls inside me.
Clenching. Specifically, vaginal clenching.
I get to work with my pulses, and a single clench is all it takes for the one ball inside me to leap into action. The clenching, you see, triggers the mini secret ball inside the ball to roll around. And that actually feels pretty good. Kind of like when you go over a dinner bump in a road and your stomach feels like it's left to float mid-away for a millisecond.
But that floating feeling is happening in my vaginal canal. And I like it.
Despite being perhaps the most turned off I've been in my entire life just moments ago, 38 pelvic floor pulses with half a kegel ball set inside me has really changed my tune.
When I upped the ante...
It's time for a second date with my kegel balls.
I was determined to make it to the double-ball-bonanza today, so I pushed back all my very unsexy tasks for the morning off my plate and onto future-Katie's to-do list. See ya laundry, you're not today's focus. Nope, this Wednesday is all about getting two balls inside me, thank you.
I popped my speaker on and queued up some Beyoncé tracks because I need to steal her sexual confidence right now. I half-closed the blinds so the light in my bedroom was a little less surgical and I laid down on the bed.
No semi-squat today. I mean business.
I squeeze more lube onto my kegel balls than I would ketchup on my chippies (which is a lot) and rub any excess lube onto myself. Now, no more avoiding. With 'Drunk In Love' playing in the background, I carefully push the first kegel ball inside. It slides in just fine – but that's because it's familiar, and my vagina doesn't realise I'm about to double down on its visitors. With a deep breath, and just before Jay-Z's verse, I insert the second ball.
SHE'S IN.
I'm relieved, and almost impressed with my body's storage capacity.
It feels a lot more snug up in there, and as if there is zero chance of anything falling out. In fact, I'm already a bit nervous about pulling this double whammy out later.
But hold on, I've just stood up, and f**k this is weird.
The whooshy-floating-secret-inner-ball motion has literally doubled in intensity – with both balls moving in different directions as I waddle up my hallway. Yes, I'm walking like a cowboy, knees bent outwards and as if I'm packing heat, because GUESS WHAT. I AM. There are literally two balls hosting a party in my vagina that I wasn't even invited to.
I make a quick dash back to the bed. It's safer there.
While I'm lying down, I figure I should do some pelvic floor pulses again. I start my clenches and the inner-secret-balls start moving again, but because I'm horizontal and am being intentional with the pulses, they roll into a rather soothing rhythm. Not quite in sync with Beyoncé, but not far off either.
And just like clockwork, I'm feeling aroused again.
I want to start masturbating, but I know that the little butterfly rolls happening inside the kegel balls won't be enough to get me to orgasm, so I whip out a trusty sidekick.
(She's called the Command, and she's a clit sucker. Please make your acquaintances.)
The Command. Image: Supplied.
Lying on my back, still doing my pelvic floor pulses, I put the Command right on my clit. There are a lot of sensations going on south of my belly button right now. Flutters, buzzes, rolling, clenching, pulsing. But it feels... impressive. I'm not overwhelmed by everything going on, but instead, I feel like I've mastered the sex toy equivalent of playing the bagpipes.
While I'm enjoying this moment, my greediness takes over and up the speed on the Command. Three seconds later I orgasm and instantly regret not teasing out the foreplay on myself for longer.
...But it's okay because I did this whole routine again the next day. Twice.
Turns out my fear of kegel balls was somewhat stupid. They're not scary or sore or intimidating in any way, once you get to know them.
Though I will say that trying to yank them out when you're dry is NOT FUN – so if you push them up there and want them out, lube up, have a wank and then remove. Otherwise it'll be just like fighting with a moon cup where the more you tug, the more you tense up around them and lock them in place.
Kegel balls require the blissed-out, chill vibes of a stoned surfer to get out – so don't stress, or you'll end up in a pickle.
After this successful road test, I'm excited to keep using kegel balls during any solo seshes. I know that with more time I'll find even more ways to use them for pleasure purposes, and I get the smug points for flexing my pelvic floor strength too. Win-win.
These dog-chew-looking balls now officially have a spot in my sex toy wardrobe.
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Image: Supplied.