dating

'I'm 55, single, and mostly, I sleep with married men.'

I’m a super independent single woman of 55 and have no intention of finding myself a husband again. I don’t enjoy the traditional relationship as I feel held back in my business, I lose freedom I value highly and even feel suffocated.

I married young and was with my husband for 20 years and persevered for the sake of society’s expectations to stick with it no matter what. This made me stick at a relationship that was filled with every kind of abuse and family violence too. I have been single ever since, for 17 years now. I do not aspire to have another husband, but I do like to have good men in my life; and yes, they do end up being married some of the time.

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I’m not alone in this trend of ‘single on purpose’ older women. I feel fulfilled through a number of different ways and don’t rely on just one person. I live in a sub-culture of both males and females who live this way.

Having relationships with married men first started with a very gorgeous man I met at a charity event. We chatted work stuff for a bit and I gave him my business card, innocently for work referrals; but he handed it back to me, looked right into my eyes and said, “I don’t want that, I want your number.”

He then boldly took my phone and text himself so we had exchanged numbers. He was the most handsome guy in the room, super tall, very manly, and unbelievably confident. I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring, but I wasn’t sure if he was like a lot of men that wear one even though separated, so I agreed. He was very honest and said he was married and had no intention of leaving his family. He told me he no longer had sex with his wife but still wanted to keep the family together for the kids.

He asked if I was OK with that. After a momentary rethink, in return I said, that I wasn’t looking for a husband but also wasn’t after one night stands either. I was after a regular lover ongoing for once or twice a week. He said, “I’m in.”

We connect with coded texts that we know means to either check a private email account for deeper discussion or to make a ‘Sales Call’ or business appointment, but we really know what that means.

Usually, we meet at my place when kids are at school and when it works around our business commitments.

I take lovers as I like to see it. A lover is not the same as a ‘friend with benefits’ an ‘FB’ or even a ‘wife/husband stealer’ as they are all quite different things.

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A lover is about having a deep connection with meaning, but with no intention to be anything more than that without pressure and obligations. It is quite freeing, and you can truly enjoy the moment and do so over a decent time, like 18 months to a few years. I do always say that if I start to feel a sense of longing I’ll be out and move on.

Things have fizzled for a variety of reasons and even into deep friendships, mostly because I feel like moving on. I don’t feel a sense of guilt when the agreement is so clear like this and it seems to work for everyone (whether they know it or not).

I have made the mistake of hooking up with someone who was just bored with his wife, and another who may well have had a proper sex addiction. I’ll never do either again.

I do meet single men most times I go out, but knock them back if they have ambitions to marry and live happily ever after, or just seem needy and demanding of my attention. I don’t like one night stands either and certainly wouldn’t take on a married guy who hadn’t tried to work things out at home. I even helped convince a lover into getting back with his wife when things got bad and he left her and his kids.

The fallacy that some woman or man is trying to steal your husband or wife away is rubbish in the world I see. We’re helping people stay if anything.

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The old model of the monogamous marriage is sliding and I certainly don’t aspire to sitting on the couch watching TV all night in a loveless and sexless relationship. I certainly don’t want to put up with less than respect and being treated an equal.

No thanks.

I think we need to rethink society’s expectations and an old construct. Until then, I’m stuck in a funny middle ground, really, and sometimes feel like the world is not ready for people like me.

I have another successful girlfriend who knowingly ‘shares’ a woman’s husband (as she put it). The wife is relieved she no longer has pressure to satisfy her husband when her sexual appetite clearly isn’t as strong as his.

They live in a very committed relationship and co-parent beautifully too. They live in a very balanced eco-system; all three, only no one knows about it with society not ready for it yet.

I’ve had a wonderful guy in my life who when we realised we were not physically compatible said he was open to me having another guy in my life to fill the gaps too. Sexuality is not a gendered issue.

This world isn’t full of desperate single people hunting down another person’s spouse like predators at all. There are a lot of unfulfilled people feeling stuck in an old construct and doing their best to find their own peace to work within the system.

There are a lot of powerful single people who reject an outdated lifestyle but do want intimacy and connection – but only part-time!

The author of this post is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. The image used is a stock photo from Getty. 

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