The Twins recap The Bachelor: An X-rated pool session makes us very uncomfortable.

September 26, 2018

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Excuse us, but Mr Badger has decided to take his six girlfriends back to his favourite era.

The 1950s, an idyllic time before the contraceptive pill and when rape was still legal in marriage and Indigenous Australians were not recognised as fully human.

… Cool.

brooke-the-bachelor — "Should I... say something?"

But no one cares because Badger. Likes. To. Dress. Up. Pls.

The last thing anyone needs at this point is a themed group date where Osher provides us with the history of bowling before excitedly shouting nonsensical rules, but alas, here we are.

Mr Badger announces that he's "all dressed up like a pet lizard" and EUGH pet lizards hardly ever dress up. Britney adds that he looks like Chewy the alpaca who has featured in past episodes and Chewy is deeply hurt by the comparison.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

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The Spill

As expected, the game that never made any sense to begin with descends into chaos. It's a bizarre mix of speed dating, bowling, sitting in a fake car (indoors) to watch a movie that isn't playing and writing emotional letters to yourself in 10 years. To Osher, these activities are intrinsically related. Which is fine, except they're not.

It takes the women approximately 20 seconds to begin cheating - a transgression which at no point is addressed despite the fact that we know Osher is lurking nearby.

We know this because out of nowhere he sticks his head into the fake car window to yell in a woman's ear "FINISHED NOW GTFO".

... Mate.

It seems abrupt but okay.

Next thing we know Cass is crying because it's 10 years in the future and she's so happy to have met a man named Nick and now they're married with lots of babies and an endorsement deal with teeth whitening strips and Hello Fresh and COULD LIFE BE ANY BETTER? (Yes).

Everyone feels weird about Cass'... outburst... so the activity somewhat fizzles out.

SINGLE DATE TIME PLS.

It's at an ice skating rink - an interest which pertains to neither Sophie or Mr Badger, and highlights for the 16584th time this season that Osher has a weakness when it comes to considering OH&S issues (R.I.P Jamie-Lee's moonboot).

If there's one thing worse than ice skating, it's watching people ice skate when they're just... average at it. We're irrationally concerned that Sophie is going to fall, smash her head open on the ice, and have a 100kg rugby player slide over her fingers wearing ice skates. Her fingers will then start spurting blood and when paramedics run to help they will slip on the blood but also the ice, and then ask Mr Badger what happened, only to be told, "HOOROO she fell like a chicken on heroin QUACK QUACK hoody doody mate," and this isn't... relaxing to watch.

Next up is a competitive game of ice hockey which does approximately nothing to ease our anxiety.

Nick wins, and after tackling Sophie to the ground, likely covered in children's urine, to kiss her, he forces a teddy bear upon her, which honestly looks possessed. This doesn't feel like a date, it feels like a crime.

Keeping with the theme (??) of their date, Mr Badger takes Sophie back to the Bach pad to go for a swim. Importantly, he hasn't seen her in a bikini since he can't remember when (maybe even never), and he simply must if their relationship is to go any further.

Luckily, Nick approves, and suddenly we're watching a sex tape that we know is going to be interrupted any minute by Osher saying he has to return the fairy lights by 9pm.

But until then, we're forced to watch as Nick hoists Sophie up on the side of the pool and presses up against her and JESUS it's legit 8pm mate calm down.

It's cocktail party time and we're confused as to the lack of anything that has happened in this episode. Sophie is anxious about the fact she didn't receive a rose, but that's only because Nick got distracted by a) the sex tape, and b) the possessed teddy bear who was watching.

Cass has planned a surprise for Mr Badger, and when he sees it, he exclaims, "Holy snapping duck poo," which translates to... nothing in English.

She has set up two ukulele's and forces Nick to wear an ugly Hawaiian shirt while they sing horrible songs. The whole thing is appalling and offensive to Hawaii as well as all its inhabitants.

SHHHHH. It's time for the rose ceremony and we know exactly who's going home.

Osher explains there are only four roses left, and his bets, along with the rest of the country, are on Dasha and Emily... not receiving one.

The final four are chosen, Cass, Sophie, Brittany and Brooke, and goodness pls let something messed up happen tomorrow night.

UNTIL THEN.

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Catch up on all the recaps right here:

Ep 1: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The awkward incident that has two women fuming.

Ep 2: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The most cringeworthy first kiss we've ever seen.

Ep 3: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The love letter that should’ve never, ever been read.

Ep 4: The Twins recap The Bachelor: One woman leans in for a kiss and Nick… doesn’t want it.

Ep 5: The Twins recap The Bachelor: We have one, very simple question for Cass.

Ep 6: The Twins recap The Bachelor: A request for a kiss ends in tears and we're done.