If we wanted to watch people drive cars we wouldn’t be… here.
But this show isn’t about us. It’s about Osher. And he has never experienced anything as funny as women driving fast cars.
He cannot. He has weed himself and now he needs to be changed.
Osher has combined Nick's passion for explaining things to women with his own penchant for games that don't make sense. And, yes, he likes this very much.
In the first stage of Osher's nonsensical competition, Nick has to give directions to women who are blindfolded. This is problematic for two reasons.
- Nick uses words like "HOOROO" and "CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG" which is fine except no one can understand him.
- Dasha never learned to drive a manual because she's had better things to do such as raise a child etc.
The whole of Australia then has to watch Dasha not be able to drive a car which is unpleasant and stressful.
She asks the girls not to laugh at her but, Dasha, it's not the girls who are laughing.
The second activity (we didn't need more than one but... nevermind) involves a 'reverse flick' which is some car manoeuvre no one cares about.
For some reason, Dasha still has to do it despite the fact she cannot operate a manual motor vehicle and surely this is highly illegal. Someone needs to tell Osher that if he is not careful he will lose his game permit. And then he will be idle and no one wants an idle Osher.
We won't recount the rest because honestly it was boring enough the first time.
Despite being promised a car crash involving Sophie, everyone is... fine.
After spending an entire day at a race track asking women to participate in nonsensical activities, it dawns on Osher that he forgot to include any objective component that leads to a winner. Therefore, as always, Nick just chooses one woman to join him for some one-on-one time, making everything that has happened so far redundant.
Nick chooses Sophie, and they sit on a couch talking about such topics as "opening up" but also "spending time" and holy sh*t we miss Cat and Romy.
IT'S SINGLE DATE TIME PLS and, yes, Jamie-Lee's boot is invited too.
But it soon becomes clear what this is.
The novelty date.
And nobody f*cking wants the novelty date.
"Who wouldn't want to dress up, wield samurai swords and bounce around the yard like a ninja?" Mr Badger asks and, oh... us. But also, everyone. But mostly Jamie-Lee.
Jamie-Lee accurately describes the date as "embarrassing", probably because she was physically unable to do the thing she was meant to do, but also had no interest in.
When she finally gets time one-on-one with Mr Badger, Jamie-Lee just cannot work out why she's not being herself, and we feel like it probably has something to do with being forced to fall in love during a 15 minute televised conversation but okay.
Nick keeps telling her she NEEDS TO OPEN UP BECAUSE THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME but also offers no a) questions, b) topics to talk about, and c) perceivable level of interest.
Instead they sit in silence remarking on the scenery and FOR GOODNESS SAKE MR BADGER at least ask her how she's going with the boot. Is it sweaty? Stinky? When's it coming... off. The poor woman has a broken foot because of you, you could at least inquire about it FFS.
SHHH IT'S THE COCKTAIL PARTY and everyone wants to know how Mr Badger, Jamie-Lee and The Boot's date went.
Neither Jamie-Lee or her boot walk in with a rose and the girls are shook.
"Surely the... boot," says Britt, concerned. "It looked particularly good today."
When the women start asking Jamie-Lee about her date, she breaks down because she keeps having flashbacks to herself in an unflattering samurai suit unable to pull the sword out and trying to act chill about it.
She's traumatised and needs reassurance that it's okay to go on a date and a) look like a dick, and b) not speak.
But it's... not.
Speaking of trauma, Tenille has been feeling weird ever since she met FBI Steve and he shamed her for not being more open on national television with the boyfriend she's currently sharing with nine other women.
Mr Badger takes her aside, and says he's worried it will be hard for their connection to grow when she's not fully invested in their one-ninth of a relationship.
Tenille explains that maybe she would open up if she felt more... assured that he actually liked her/was interested in her/didn't solely want to place her in compromising situations for his own entertainment, but Nick is busy kissing other women and WHY CAN'T TENILLE UNDERSTAND THAT.
After their conversation, Nick notices Tenille sobbing outside the mansion which he thinks maybe isn't meant to happen after a 'cocktail party chat'.
She says she's pretty sure she's going home (which is awks... because obviously Jamie-Lee is going home), so she might as well keep her dignity and leave now.
No... Tenille really... Jamie-Lee and her boot are 100 per cent going home. You... you can stay.
"Can we stop kidding ourselves?" Tenille says and um, no, that would ruin the whole show.
After a few minutes, in which Nick has gone far too long without comparing anything in his immediate environment to a wild animal, he offers to walk her to the car.
"That hurdle is going to be too big for us," he says, and what hurdle.
Sir, your only hurdle is that you are dating ten women at once and would like them all to be completely invested in you immediately, pls.
Tired from all the listening, Nick goes to bed, and, as usual, leaves Osher to clean up his mess.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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