SOMEONE’S GOING TO STORM OUT AND YES IT’S ALL WE’VE THOUGHT ABOUT FOR SIX FULL DAYS.
This is everything we’ve ever wanted so we need quiet – especially from Alisha who is always speaking just a little too loudly especially for inside.
She has found a date card, probably inside Osher’s tightly clutched hand, before violently pushing him away and reading it out to all the girls.
It’s a group date and dear God no one needs another one of Osher’s games. Pls.
The date card says three new girls will be arriving, and Brittany confidently announces "intruders!" while nodding because she is clever and has clearly done her research.
The girls go onto the... lawn... where Mr Badger is publicly introduced to his three additional girlfriends and although he is very excited (sexually), he assures us that years playing footy means he has a "great poker face."
That isn't a... we know exactly what you're... you wear all your feelings on your...
Deanna (intruder numero uno) has not yet disembarked from the vehicle before Cat starts yelling "I DON'T RATE HER," which feels both rude and... unwelcoming.
Although her name is clearly Deanna, Cat insists on calling her "DARIA OR SOME SHIT" and honestly pretending not to remember someone’s name in order to put them down is really petty, Cate.
Next is Jamie-Lee, who no one likes because her name has a hyphen. Cool.
The third is another Brittney who is genuinely Nick's soulmate in that she also speaks predominantly in half-sentences that don't always make sense. She announces that, yes, she recently travelled to Tokyo and "Konichiwa," which feels a little racist but okay.
Cat, who speaks exclusively in mean tweets, comments that Brittney is an embarrassment and it would be like Cat arriving and saying "Hey, I live in Bali like hullo."
That kinda sounds like... exactly what Cat did but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
We pause on Cat's commentary for a moment because... oh no.
He's designed another game and it's called moon hopping.
It's like netball except that it's not at all and everyone will be hopping on giant balls because Nick used to be a Wallaby.
Osher. No one gives a f*ck.
He laughs that the rules are simple and Osher pls we know you too well to believe such nonsense.
Nick is obviously refereeing because Osher wants to sit back and take in his game like a spectator, but within four minutes, no one is playing by the rules, likely because the rules don't make sense.
The game has descended into madness with people running, abandoning their balls, and tackling each other, and Honey Badger has legitimately lost it with his commentary.
These are words which come directly from the mouth of a 30-year-old, otherwise intelligent, man:
"It's just, thank you mother for the rabbits, chitty chitty bang bang, and there goes your ribs, and that'll wake you up in the morning."
Brooke... Brooke has broken Jamie-Lee.
She tackled her (which Osher mutters was strictly against the rules, if anyone bothered to read them) and now Jamie-Lee possibly has a broken ankle.
Mr Badger says, and we quote, "Jamie-Lee goes head over biscuit and rolls the getaway stick," but no.
Then he has a stroke.
The game is quickly cancelled, and everyone returns to the mansion, except for Jamie-Lee, who is now in hospital.
Romy is "kinda stoked" with what she sees when she meets the intruders, which presumably means she thinks they're ugly. Cool.
Romy and Cat then proceed to have perhaps the cruelest conversation that has been aired so far in this franchise. You see, Cat needs to explain to Romy that when they got dressed into their uniforms to play Osher's made-up game, Deanna tied up her top, which showed her midriff. But wait - get this - SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE GOOD ABS.
At the same time, not even 10 metres away, Alisha is explaining to Deanna that "it's not a nasty competition, that's what I'd point out. Nothing is nasty".
But everyone SHHH because Mr Badger has decided he's going on another single date, and it would seem we've now entirely phased out Osher's delivery of date cards. R.I.P.
Tenille waits by the side of the road for Nick to pick her up, and no.
They're going to some kind of honey farm because his name is Honey Badger and that's not even your real name so WHY. The purpose of the date is for Nick to mansplain honey to Tenille, even though he admittedly knows nothing about it.
Despite the fact that Tenille previously said she wouldn't kiss on her first date, she does, because people change their minds, life is unpredictable, etc etc.
There's a problem and its name is Romy.
Romy has thoughts about other women and their choices, and yeah, she's going to share them.
You see, Tenille saying it was 'gross' to kiss Nick on the first date (which she may or may not have actually said) and then coming back from a single date only to TELL PEOPLE how she kissed him is not only "tacky" but it's "inappropriate".
But it's an issue that needs to be dealt with. Publicly. And repeatedly.
Romy asks Tenille why she said it was "gross" to kiss Nick and then went and kissed him, and Tenille replies that she never said that. She then tries to explain how in the real world, she probably wouldn't kiss a guy who had kissed a bunch of other girls but there's such a thing as context and...
Romy interrupts, laughing just a lil, and says, "Then why are you on The Bachelor? You know what The Bachelor involves."
Look, it's unclear why anyone is on The Bachelor, but that's not the point.
After walking away because she once heard someone say, "don't negotiate with terrorists," Tenille is again confronted by Romy. When Tenille tries to respond to Romy's accusations, Romy yells: "WOW MAN DON'T BE SO AGGRESSIVE" and Tenille has... had it.
We unpack the funniest moments from the Honey Badger’s latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat Podcast. Post continues after audio.
She storms out of the mansion, demanding for her mic to be removed, and when a producer awkwardly says he's not allowed to because Osher will hurt him, she takes it off herself. She then runs into the bushes, swearing that she can STILL SEE THE F*CKING CAMERAS and a female producer chases her repeating the one word no one wants to hear when they're having a meltdown: "babe".
This is the image of our nightmares.
The producer, who is obviously solely concerned with Tenille's safety and wellbeing and not at all interested in how it would look to have a contestant run away from the show, tries to tell Tenille that it's very dangerous out here, in this affluent Sydney suburb.
"We actually can't go further than this," she says. "Seriously stop babe it's dangerous. STOP RUNNING."
While Tenille evading producers and wanting to run off into the night is obviously the highlight of tonight's episode, Shannon's commitment to her drink even in moments of crisis is also worth commending.
Tenille returns to the mansion, after forming an unlikely friendship with the producer she verbally abused only moments ago, and the rose ceremony proceeds as though nothing ever happened.
She looks fine, and no one appears to ask her what life is like outside this hell/whether you're allowed to not laugh at crap jokes once you leave/whether there are barbed wire fences keeping them in.
Much to everyone's horror, all three intruders stay, while Ashlea and Rhiannon go home. Cat, whose friends and enemies we can no longer track, says it's "a f*cking sick joke".
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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