This music makes us feel excited in our souls but also like we need to wee a little bit and that’s okay.
Osher is here and he’s smiling but mostly we’re smiling because where have you been sweetie?
He got a hair cut and bought a new suit. It’s time.
But, look. We’re going to be honest. Despite all the press in recent weeks/months, we’re still not entirely sure who/what a Honey Badger is. And we frankly refuse to find out.
He plays a ‘football' of some description which is... fine... and we heard he went to play with the ball in Japan to support his struggling family and we like that very much.
He can stay.
But Mr. Honey Badger does not know what he's in for. You see, this is about finding love. Sure. But it's about more than that.
Osher is grinding his teeth with excitement about meeting his new best friend. He even ensured they were wearing matching suits.
As soon as he sees the Badger man he can't stop laughing because he has never known love to be so overwhelming.
Osher has trawled long and hard through his Instagram explore page to find 25 women for the Badger and he can't wait for his new best friend to meet them.
First, we meet Shannon and she cannot with the excitement.
The Badger takes her for a walk because something about how she's just like a horse and then her heels get stuck in the mud and that's why there's a path, mate.
Here are the MVPs.
Brooke. Likes football. Might win. Also doesn't know what a Honey Badger is.
Brittany. Seriously underestimates how many people have heard of Port Macquarie. Might have been born in same hospital as Honey Badger and hopes the doctor used the same forceps hehe.
Cass. Met the Badger at the gym and may or may not have dated him for several months. Definitely did the sexy time.
Can't remember. Doofus.
Vanessa Sunshine. Not thrilled with Honey Badger. Or this whole set up. Or the other women. Probably spat out finger food.
The Honey Badger manages to be entirely incomprehensible throughout all his introductions and at this stage, yes, we think he might need to learn sign language.
The Badger is satisfied.
But no one is more satisfied than Osher who enters to an Osher chant which he has only been orchestrating/waiting for his whole entire life.
Once the chant has gone on for a few minutes, Osher hushes (no, stop... don't stop) the room and explains that this season there will be a SEX ROOM KEY aka A PASS TO THE HONEY BADGER'S HIDEY HOLE and that tonight one lucky lady will receive it.
It is insinuated although not explicitly stated that there will be a sex swing and honey bear costumes.
Anywho, the women now have to mingle which begins with someone saying "I NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS DREAM," and oh, honey, no you don't.
Luckily, her dream recount is interrupted by a manufactured fight.
You see, Cat has an ex-boyfriend. And that ex-boyfriend recently visited her in Bali (... why tho?). And that ex-boyfriend says that he is currently dating Sophie, who is SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE PRETENDING TO BE SINGLE.
She obviously confronts her, mostly to detract from the story about the dream, and Sophie is all like; "Nah that was weeks ago," which it was, but Cat is still mad because why is she even here?
Cat decides that the Honey Badger will realise she's a "basic bitch who doesn't have much to offer," which is a nice resolution to their little quarrel.
Because Cayla (who?) thinks you haven't noticed her yet.
A producer whispers in her ear: "Oi Cayla you should jump in the pool even though it's night time and you're in a ball gown."
She says, "Oh, why?" and is promptly told that Nick definitely said he likes girls who jump in the pool for no reason.
Cayla then does a really cool bomb into the pool and all her dreams come true.
Except the Badger didn't see because he was busy.
And now she's all wet.
And she's yelling "Come in!" to all the girls and they're saying "Ew, no," and this is what happens when you have champagne on an empty stomach. Trust us. We know.
She gets out slowly and dries her hair with a towel and we don't want to be here anymore.
Meanwhile, Honey Badger decides he would like to invite Brooke onto his sex swing if she's keen and she is which is sweet.
IT'S TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY and goodness he only has 22 roses however will he decide?
We unpack the best moments from the Honey Badger's first week in our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
Cass nearly has an aneurysm waiting for her name to be called out because she had a really great connection with the Badger six months ago at the gym when they both decided not to pursue a relationship because that's just how strong their connection was.
Luckily, she gets a rose, along with Cayla who was definitely a producer's choice given she will do things like jump in the pool when prompted.
An unspecified number of women go home and farewell - we hardly knew ye.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.