The women have been stuck in a mansion together for less than 24 hours and Cat has already decided that Cayla T doesn’t deserve to be here for reasons that are entirely unclear.
But none of that matters, because when Osher arrives, we're met with a far bigger problem.
Look, there's been an issue bubbling away for quite a while now, and we haven't wanted to say anything.
Obviously Osher is a national hero, and there's no one else we'd ever want to take over the role of helping absurdly attractive people with lots of Instagram followers find love. That's his thing.
We unpack the best moments from the Honey Badger's first week on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
But in the last few seasons, the contestants have started to... objectify Osher. As some kind of Bachelor novelty. They get far too excited by his presence and make him into a spectacle of his own.
Osher, however, isn't here for your entertainment. He's also not here for your eyes because he already has an Audrey. So pls let him do his job of putting the date card on the table, giving it an enthusiastic double tap, and then getting back to hanging out with his new best friend Honey Badger. He has nonsensical games to set up and candles to light so don't hassle him.
One of the blonde ones who looks like Sam Frost is given the single date, and surprisingly she is both nervous and excited.
Another woman comments that she's surprised because 'Shaz' doesn't seem like Nick's type which is confusing because a) there is no one named Shaz on the show, and b) YOU MET HIM LITERALLY YESTERDAY HOW DO YOU KNOW HIS TYPE?
It turns out Nick is taking Shannon in a helicopter, despite the fact she's pathologically afraid of heights and planes.
"I've watched too many of the plane movies," she tries to joke. "You know, the crash, investigation."
Shannon, we believe you mean Air Crash Investigation. But you're obviously in very safe hands.
It becomes clear, however, that the plan is to throw both Shannon and Nick from the helicopter directly into the water and have them swim to their destination. It would appear someone lacked the foresight to consider a place to land and we're not saying it was Osher but it most likely had something to do with Osher.
After an entirely unnecessary helicopter ride, Nick decides to cook Shannon salmon on the beach, but there's a PROBLEM.
Shannon doesn't like salmon and omg neither, it tastes like dirty ocean and... off.
She tries to eat it and gags because it's gross, and Nick starts telling a story about why he doesn't like coffee. The fact that this is one of the most interesting conversations we've heard in Bachelor history speaks volumes.
When they go for a swim, Shannon emerges from the water looking like this:
When we go for a swim, we similarly emerge from the water looking like this:
So it's relatable etc.
Back at the mansion, a date card has appeared, and Osher is nowhere to be seen. Frankly, he was sick of being objectified by a group of scary women so has made alternative arrangements for the delivery of date cards until further notice.
It's a group date, and it's obviously the photoshoot that happens at exactly this moment in every season of The Bachelor, ever. But this time, it's different (it's... it's exactly the same). The women have to be photographed doing all the things Nick is passionate about, and holy no, that is not a concept.
The photoshoot stops making sense after precisely 25 seconds.
For one shoot, Vanessa Sunshine (are we ever going to ask why... never mind) and Nick are dressed as firefighters while Nick holds Brooke, who he has rescued (??).
The justification is that the photo represents that he likes to 'help people' and no.
Why. Are you a fireman.
But the most problematic of all the photo shoots is the 'naughty school girl' set which was allegedly a testament to Nick's love of education.
It turns into a porno... immediately, and everyone is uncomfortable, but mostly us, but mostly also the photographer.
The following morning, the women are chilling in the mansion when Nick arrives. We're certain he's going to explain that they all need to re-do the photo shoot because they accidentally created hardcore porn rather than anything that can ever be published in the Australian media, but no.
He's here to take Romy on a date and yes, the whole schtick of breaking the rules and being chill and doing what you want is very nice Mr. Honey Badger, but pls make sure you're including Osher because him becoming redundant would be a geopolitical crisis.
They go to make pizza at Nick's uncle's Italian restaurant, which will now forever be a tourist hotspot, and it's fine until....
Romy is very keen on getting the first kiss with Honey Badger because she understands that this is a competition with very real prize money.
But when she leans in and kisses his neck, then goes for his face, he doesn't... want it.
You see, he's decided he has to be respectful of the 20+ other women he's dating, by not kissing this particular one right now (??).
It would be rude, and unfair, but mostly he planned this date on a whim and didn't have a chance to consult Osher about whether it's against the rules. And you know Osher.
IT'S TIME FOR THE COCKTAIL PARTY and Romy has some
lies stories to tell.
She keeps interrupting conversations by yelling "FINE OKAY WE KISSED IF YOU MUST KNOW," and then stomping off to tell the waitstaff.
Nick then starts talking to someone else and Romy cannot with the betrayal. A producer whispers that it would be a good idea to present him with a gardenia and then offers her four tequila shots.
Romy goes rogue.
She cuts Tenille off and forces a flower upon Nick while licking his neck and right cheek and kissing him on his firmly closed lips and no. Four shots was too many.
It ain't right.
The cocktail party begins because Romy needs to be rested, and Cayla starts to get nervous for obvious reasons.
But luckily she gets a rose and decides the crown was worth it after all.
Two women who we believe in our hearts were never mic-ed go home.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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