We begin at a public pool and… no.
We know exactly what’s about to happen.
You see, throughout the season, Mr Badger has made it his prerogative, nay, his duty, to see women in their swimmers in order to decide. Yes, he might like a woman’s face, but if he doesn’t see her in her swimming costume, how can he possibly know?
Armed with this knowledge, Osher has obviously designed a series of pool-based games that are as nonsensical as they are humiliating.
No woman should ever have to stand on national television wearing a yellow, full-piece, wedgie swimming costume and that is a fact.
There’s another problem.
Intruder Brittney mentions in passing that she can’t swim, and sweetie, why? But also, surely it was someone’s job to check this? That’s a serious… life hazard and HOW IS THIS GAME POSSIBLY FAIR IF ONE WOMAN CANNOT PHYSICALLY SWIM.
As always, the rules for the game are incredibly confusing, but this is a summary version: there's fifty balls, and they have numbers on them.
Everyone must get in the pool and get the ball with the number, and do something with that ball, possibly pass it to Osher, but maybe not. When all the balls are collected, or Osher blows his whistle, not sure which, they then proceed to round two, which logistically could be done in normal clothing, but will be performed in swimwear for the sole purpose of humiliation.
We unpack the funniest moments from the Honey Badger’s latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat Podcast. Post continues after audio.
The game goes precisely how we predicted, with a) Brittney unable to fairly participate due to the fact she can't swim, b) highly unnecessary underwater shots of women's legs and bums, and c) Cat violently attacking people.
When asked by a producer about the moment she tried to kill another contestant, Cat says, "No I don't feel bad for attacking Deanna," before clarifying, "I would never feel bad for another person".
Despite the game having no rules and/or foreseeable end point, Emily and Tenille somehow win, and now they're in the FINALS. They're required to participate in a zorb ball race and these women are adults with careers and sh*t.
Silly Tenille keeps going backwards because she obviously hasn't been taking her zorb ball training very seriously, and everyone, including Osher, keeps yelling out zorb ball tips about "STAY ON YOUR KNEES AND ELBOWS" because they are experts in zorb ball and we ought to respect that.
If you're such an expert why don't you get in the zorb ball, Osher.
Never mind. The point is Emily wins which is hard for Mr Badger given he is quite certain he sent her home last week.
He agrees to give her a chance though, because she could be a "diamond in the rough," and we feel like you have no respect for what she's just been through in the zorb ball but okay.
We don't know what they talk about but suddenly they're kissing and Emily is glad her zorb ball training came in handy for once.
Back at the mansion, Brooke has been given a single date and Cat doesn't know why SHE hasn't got a date when all she does is physically, emotionally and spiritually assault other women.
"There's better things I could be doing," she says and... yeah... there's better things we could all be doing but here we are.
Brooke and Nick arrive at a house with a sketch artist, who will draw them purely from each other's description.
We try to think of a situation we would enjoy less than having someone just describe your face in intricate detail so that a stranger can draw it then we remember zorb ball and yeah maybe this isn't so bad.
Especially since this artist is straight up cheating, because if he actually drew a sketch of Brooke purely from Nick's description it would look like this:
In the end the sketches are fine except that Nick looks like a criminal who has been sketched inside a police station by a traumatised woman.
Brooke doesn't seem to mind and even compliments his ringlets which... no comment. They kiss and there's a rose and Mr Badger says she'd be a good wife and f*k this is going to suck when she comes second.
Oh, hush pls.
It's the cocktail party and everyone is dressed in togas for no reason but no.
No relationship has ever been as pure as Shannon's admiration for new Brittney and we cannot.
She loves her with all her heart but also her soul and so do we.
Brittney would like to start a conga line and we think for a moment Romy might assault her, physically, for the mere suggestion. But nothing gets Brittney down. She speaks exclusively in African American slang like "YER GURL" which is problematic but also okay because she doesn't mean it.
WHY IS SHE HAVING SO MUCH FUN.
But then Nick stages an... intervention. And for some strange reason it has nothing to do with Brittney.
He takes Tenille aside and asks her who in the house was being mean to her the other night when she stormed out of the mansion and a little bit yelled at a producer.
Mr Badger then lines up three candles to represent Cat, Alisha and Romy, and asks Tenille to move them depending on whether they're 'mean' or 'friendly'. This whole thing feels incredibly patronising but also... kind.
Tenille smashes all the candles and then performs a strange voodoo on them in a language Nick can't quite understand, but he thinks he may know who the mean girls are now.
He asks Cat for a chat and she's just glad to get away from Brittney's imaginary conga line tbh. Nick asks why her name keeps coming up whenever the subject of 'evil' is broached and at first she's confused about why that's an issue.
Then she gets mad because SHE LEFT BALI FOR THIS and SACRIFICED SO MUCH unlike all the other women who were just aimlessly wandering around the Bachelor mansion when a producer told them they could come inside.
"Cat, I think it's time for you to leave," Nick says, and goodness we hope someone ran this by Osher so he can frantically recount the roses.
Osher then emerges to deliver the.. news, and grown women are in f*cking tears and clutching their hearts.
BUT SHHH THERE'S STILL A ROSE CEREMONY PLS.
We have a bad feeling Brittney's going home, mostly because old Brittany is developing serious anxiety about being lumped in with the new Brittney.
The final rose goes to Romy, meaning Alisha and, indeed, Brittney, are eliminated. But... wait.
Romy wants to go to Bali with Cat.
She explains that she doesn't think she can accept this rose for reasons that are never properly articulated, but we're pretty sure we can see her boogie board poking out of her handbag and a cheeky Bintang.
Just as she's saying goodbye, Cat rolls up in her car and orders everyone in (except Brittney, for obvious reasons).
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.