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We begin with a bleak reminder of Osher’s redundancy.
There is a severe lack of date card and no hint of a goddamn clue and we just know that Osher turned up at the mansion to deliver the good news and Sophie had already left.
“Never mind,” he muttered, with his characteristic smile. “I best be off anyway… send Nick my regards.”
And then he cried for four days in darkness.
We know for certain that Osher needs stimulation/activities or else he gets bored and organises nonsensical games for everyone to play (see: ArrowTag).
But Nick is intent on rejecting Osher’s friendship, so has organised to meet Sophie near a body of water.
As she arrives, she pauses for a moment and applies her Blistex in what can only be described as an appalling attempt at product placement. FFS, Osher would never let this happen.
We are then physically and verbally assaulted by Mr Badger’s shirt, and in the midst of severe trauma, Sophie accidentally says, “cute shirt” – two words she’ll regret for the rest of her life.
He explains that they'll be doing some sort of watersport no one has heard of, least of all Sophie, before forcing her to put on protective clothing that communicates one clear message: today you will die. And it will hurt.
Turns out it's not that exciting to watch a boat go first when you're not... on it. Point is Mr Badger wants Sophie to "open up" which we're pretty sure is code for 'show me your boobies, pls'.
They then go to a room so he can grill Sophie about why she was so awkward on that messed up photo-shoot where they had to do bizarre yoga poses while looking each other in the eye after knowing each other for four hours. She explains it was cold, temperature wise, and he understands.
They kiss because now she is warm and she promises never to be in a position where she is cold again.
HUSH WE KNOW WHERE OSHER HAS BEEN. AT THE ARRIVALS LOUNGE AT THE AIRPORT WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS 'BADGERS'.
Whenever we see darling Osher we smile in our souls and we would like that to be on the record.
Yes, he has the Badger family. No, they did not come here willingly. Yes, he hopes they approve of the women he chose for his friend Nick, but most importantly NO the producers said he could not organise a game. Not this time.
Instead, they just have to mingle which is uncomfortable for everyone but most of all Nick's brother Jacob, who recognises one of the women as Cass, who straight up went to the Gold Coast with his family less than 12 months ago.
Cass tells the camera she's glad Jacob is here, because now she can speak to someone who really knows the history between her and Nick.
No seriously, pause.
Cass is the walking equivalent of someone who posts a Facebook status about "the haters" who "brought you down" without naming any names. Or the person who posts an Instagram story about "exciting projects ahead... watch this space."
NO ONE IS WATCHING THIS SPACE, CASS. WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME (yes we do).
Tell. Us. What. The. F*ck. Happened. With. Honey. Badger.
Here's what we know for sure.
Gym. Rugby... club. Date/s. Fizzled out. Texts? Did we make that up? Oh and THAT TIME YOU WENT TO THE GOLD COAST WITH HIS WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY.
Look. We're not in the business of starting rumours but we believe that Cass and Honey Badger were... engaged. To be married. For a time. And that she's days away from revealing they share two blonde, curly-haired children together, who are currently in the possession of Osher. And her behaviour is entirely warranted.
So that's where we are. Emotionally.
But Romy feels it's important she tells Bernadette, Mr Badger's sister, about Cass' intense and frankly 'desperate' feelings for Nick.
"It's hard to watch to be honest," says Romy, and let's be real... it's not. It's brilliant.
For some reason that is never explicitly stated, Blair is hanging out in her bedroom while everyone else is doing a mingle (?) and happens to overhear the conversation between Romy and Bernadette.
"I'll have to tell Cass that Romy's said these things," she tells the camera, and hmmm you don't but okay.
We forgot there was a competitive element to the mingling, and obviously the Badger family choose Brooke because she's the only woman who a) didn't bitch about other women b) didn't eavesdrop and c) hasn't already been on a family holiday with them.
Brooke has a lovely family dinner with the Badger clan but literally none of that matters because Romy knows that Blair's been startin' shit.
Romy is very upset, understandably, because she was under the impression that her conversation which was aired to the whole of Australia - nay - the world, was of a private nature.
They start yelling at each other, and Blair makes it clear that she can't HELP the location of her bedroom or how long it took her to get ready (in the middle of the day) or the fact that she straight up decided to eavesdrop and relay it to Cass immediately.
SHE COULDN'T HELP IT FFS.
It's the cocktail party and Cass needs to speak to Nick which is precisely never a good idea.
He tells her he wants to be fair to the other girls - most of whom he is busy kissing etc. - and "can't give [her] the same level [she's] on right now", which feels like an... understatement.
"But I went to the Gold Coast. With. Your. Family..." we hear her mutter under her breath, and Mr Badger quietly asks after his children.
Cass becomes upset for reasons that are unclear given that Nick's response is at approximately 550 per cent more positive than we expected it to be.
Nick decides to confront Cat about the rumours that she's only here to plug her Balinese jewellery company. She firmly denies she has anything to do with @stylebyhenesey which is offering a 20 per cent discount code for all Bach viewers until September 3. Firmly denies it.
IT'S ROSE CEREMONY TIME and how is Vanessa Sunshine still here.
Blair is sent home which seems unfair given her commendable contribution to this episode of television.
We thank you for your service.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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