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Osher is becoming increasingly redundant and it’s making us very nervous.
Mr Badger just appears in a creek somewhere and explains he’s going on a date with Dasha – who goes by the name DARSHAH now mostly because she doesn’t have a choice.
You see, Nick decided he liked this one ever since he discovered she has a “lil’ wippasnappa” also known as a… son. She has a son.
Darshah arrives at the sewage creek and we’re pissed off we didn’t get to see Osher a) deliver the date card, b) place it on the table with a firm double finger tap that indicates delivery is complete, and c) leave a clue that lulls Cass into a false sense of hope which results in her saying “I’m fine” while simultaneously violently crying.
Why. Didn’t. We. Get. To. See.
Nick announces they're going fly fishing and Darshah cannot get over the fact that her son also likes fishing AND HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF TWO DIFFERENT MALES WHO BOTH FISH WHAT KIND OF WIZARDRY IS THIS?
She wants to know if he has 'family values' and we can't wait until he finally yells, "I HATE FAMILY THEY'RE DUMB HAHA," before spitting and storming off in a huff.
Though difficult, Mr Badger works out a way to get Darshah in her bikini during a fishing excursion and, yes, he now approves of her face and her body.
We start to realise how difficult this entire encounter must be for Darshah given that she speaks Russian and English and Mr Badger speaks who the f*ck knows.
But despite the language barrier, Nick spends the date attempting to teach Darshah how to do an activity she's never done before, mostly because he made it up.
Eventually he sets Darshah free from the sewage creek and they both share a consensual kiss on an illegal couch in a national park because nothing was ever flagged with Osher.
Back at the mansion, Cat is laughing about how Vanessa thinks she's a 10 (in hotness, obviously) but actually she's a four, and Romy laughs and laughs while STILL WEARING HER 'FUTURE IS FEMALE' SHIRT AND NO. IT AIN'T RIGHT.
Blair finds a date card with a clue about "the wing" and Cass' mind starts to spiral.
She plays on the wing in rugby. Her eyeliner is winged. She once saw a bird with a wing. When the microwave finishes it goes 'bing' which rhymes with 'wing' and goodness she has her backpack ready with supplies.
But it's a group date and we like that clues are now just designed to f*ck with Cass. Good Osher.
Speaking of Osher, he blew his entire budget on renting out Allianz stadium which was entirely unnecessary. The reason he failed to deliver his first date card this week is because he's been busy designing his games.
It's called Arrowtag and, no, it doesn't make sense, and, yes, Osher has access to the sound system which unnecessarily projects to more than 45,000 people.
Who let him FFS.
They split into two teams and Cass is concerned because she doesn't "know what arrowtag is" and yes that would be because Osher made it up in the middle of the night for no reason.
He explains the rules and no.
There's arrows and shooting but also jail. You have to shoot each other but you can also get your team out of jail by running through the other team BUT NOT WITH YOUR ARROW PUT THAT DOWN.
And it's best of two games which mathematically... never mind.
Look. None of us consented to watching 20 minutes of this Arrowtag game but here we are. Of course Mr Badger gets shot in the balls and rolls around for a while to remind all the female that he has balls and they are big and full of sperm.
Osher is the umpire and his reverberating voice in an empty stadium filled only with giggling women and a Honey Badger is the stuff of nightmares.
In the end, Mr Badger chooses the best and fairest, making the game itself entirely pointless and a waste of everyone's time but mostly ours.
Cat wins despite the fact she was neither the best nor the fairest, and she definitely severely injured at least one person.
It suddenly becomes night time and they sit on a couch in the middle of the stadium, because this is both romantic and practical. Cat starts to tell Nick about her business, and he interrupts to affirm: "you're a thinker, not a stinker!"
Cat takes this as an invitation to mount him, sexually, but he hasn't seen her in a bikini yet and them the rules.
He physically... recoils... and then kisses her on the cheek which is the equivalent of saying "EW YUCK F*CK OFF."
WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING WE DON'T UNDERSTAND.
But we need to make way for more physical pain because it's the cocktail party, and yes, Cass would like to talk about her feelings.
You see, she thinks Nick hasn't had the chance to tell her how he feels and... oh, sweetie, you're not allowed within 50 feet of the man. Legally.
But Nick is distracted by a woman who is wearing something that resembles a bikini but is actually a crop top. He likes it very much.
Suddenly it's the rose ceremony and Nick decides the crop top lady can stay.
He sends two women home who we haven't met before and oh.
One of them is approaching him slowly and it's like she's trying to... remember... a line... she's been practising...
The anonymous woman stands in front of Mr Badger and says; "I can't believe I shaved my legs for this," before leaving without even saying bye.
It's the single weirdest thing that's ever happened.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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