We begin with a man who identifies as an animal explaining what makes for a good date and no sir you have precisely no idea.
So far Mr Badger’s dates have consisted of him teaching different women how to do activities that don’t exist, while they’re dressed inappropriately because no one, least of all their shared boyfriend, gave them a heads up.
Ahead of today’s date, Honey Badger roams around the inside of a hot air balloon, and casually says in regards to planning the day, “it’s not rocket surgery”.
- The expression is either 'rocket science' or 'brain surgery'.
- No one has ever performed surgery on a rocket, especially you.
- We feel like you're trying to say that Osher's skills when it comes to planning dates aren't that... special.
A woman whose name is allegedly Rhiannon turns up, and Nick continues his running joke about how he organised the date, made the hot air balloon by hand, etc.
Frankly, it's rude, because if someone wants to tell us this hot air balloon had nothing to do with Mr Osher Gunsberg we'll gladly call them a liar.
From the sky, Nick and Rhiannon talk at length about the animals they can see on the ground, such as cows, rabbits and sheep - all of whom are probably having more interesting conversations than the two humans in the hot air balloon.
SHHHH PLS back at the mansion there's a group date card, and if your name is read out, you must yell. They're the rules.
Except if you're Vanessa Sunshine.
She can feel happiness, she assures the camera, but she's "not going to express it through [her] body movements," and omg same.
Vanessa Sunshine reserves her enthusiasm for things such as sleep and also brunch - two endeavours which we wholly respect.
Back on Rhiannon's date, they've moved to a random couch in the middle of nowhere, and
Osher Nick has planted questions inside it. Nick tries to ask Rhiannon what love means to her and she can't answer because a) it's a stupid question, and b) she's terrified of Nick but also this entire situation. Despite the fact that she's literally unable to speak, Nick gives her a rose.
Then. It. Happens.
She goes in for a kiss, but he goes in for a hug, resulting in an awkward side-of-the-mouth-kiss.
Which would be fine.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE.
But just as Nick starts squeezing her a 'lil too hard in the hopes she won't be able to speak, she says, "I mean I'd love to give you a little kiss but I don't know if it's like awkward or not HA-HA-HA."
"Is it awkward?" she continues (pls... stop). "Do you want it or not? Do you?"
He then says "do what you got to do," but MUTTERS it because his diction is APPALLING and she doesn't hear because she's saying, "DO YOU WANT IT DO YOU WANT A KISS DO YOU WANT IT" on repeat.
Nick makes some comment about 'building' on what they have, and Rhiannon looks at the camera and says, "thanks, are we done?" and he has to explain that no they're allowed to finish the food and champagne on the table in front of them and DEAR GOD THIS IS FOOTAGE WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO SEE.
Moments later, in an interview with a producer, Rhiannon starts crying because she doesn't know "how you like, instigate it" because it's so f*cking awkward.
We want to die but we've also just learnt that we're about to see Vanessa Sunshine go camping, so we decide to postpone our deaths until approximately 9.45pm.
IT'S THE GROUP DATE and Osher breaks the news that there will be a rose ceremony in the bush tomorrow night (that seems... unnecessary) and someone will be going home.
Armed with this information, Romy tells the camera she has a "duty" to tell Nick that Vanessa Sunshine isn't attracted to him which definitely doesn't sound like a duty but okay.
Nick takes Romy, Alisha and Vanessa out on quad bikes, and Romy uses the opportunity to speak to him about "Vanessa... Vanessa Sunshine actually," as opposed to the other Vanessa we've all come to know and love. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Nick then speaks to Vanessa, to try to work out whether what Romy said about her not being attracted to him is true.
Oh. It... it is.
Vanessa jokes that on the first night she was like "who's this guy with the blonde mullet and curly moustache," but there's no... redemption. She... she still thinks he's the guy with the blonde mullet and the curly moustache, mostly because he is.
Not one to take rejection from one of his 14 girlfriends to heart, Nick tells the camera, "she's not feeling the Badger vibes, fair enough" and why must you always refer to yourself in third person.
EXCUSE US it's night time and Romy is just definitely going to sneak into Nick's tent while everyone else is sleeping, but there's one problem.
You see, Cassie doesn't sleep anymore, and she hears rustles which she distinctly identifies as those of Nick's tent. She's also learnt to differentiate the scents of the women, so she's quite certain it's Romy who is doing the canoodling.
In all seriousness, the footage of a pitch black campsite with only the sound of Romy cackling is something that will haunt our dreams.
The next morning, after waking early to study the tracks around the campsite, Cass is invited to go on a single date with Nick, where she fully intends to ask him what happened with Romy.
It's a truly appalling date, consisting purely of a make-shift swing, and when asked about Romy, Nick simply says, "There's really no need for an explanation because there's really nothing to explain about..." which sounds like a riddle with no... hidden meaning.
STOP PLS Osher's back and someone's going home now.
Romy and Vanessa Sunshine are in the bottom two, and ultimately it's Vanessa who gets eliminated, in a moment of true reality TV injustice.
But like the role model she is, Vanessa refuses to say goodbye to anyone, except the man she believes to be ugly.
Farewell, Ms Sunshine. Pls enjoy Saturday brunch.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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