Everyone's on a group date, and Osher excitedly announces it's time for the inaugural Bachelor Segway Relay.
Osher, pls. There's a reason it's inaugural and it's mostly because it's an appalling idea.
To be clear, the last time Osher forced everyone to play a game for no reason, Jamie-Lee sustained such a serious injury to her ankle that she a) went to hospital, and b) had to wear a moon boot for her remaining time on the show.
SHE COULDN'T WEAR HEELS FOR THE COCKTAIL PARTIES. BECAUSE HER FOOT WAS IN A MOON BOOT.
Osher should be banned from coordinating games and no one knows this more than Osher.
Nonetheless, he has segways. And yes, he needs everyone to be careful on them.
As usual, the rules make no sense, and the unnecessary uniforms are revolting.
Essentially, each woman has to do a lap on the segway, and then answer a question about Nick. If they get the question wrong, they have to just stand there and wait for one minute, which makes for truly terrible viewing.
When Cass has her turn, she's asked about Nick's favourite type of music, and obviously she knows it's a) classic rock. How? Because of that time she went ON A ROAD TRIP WITH HIS FAMILY TO QUEENSLAND. AND BONDED WITH NICK'S BROTHER.
Just as Brooke's about to answer her question, there's a commotion in the background.
She's flown off her segway and into the dirt, most probably breaking a limb.
Osher. Is. Terrified.
He's been given warning after warning, and now he's certain they're going to take his license to invent games away from him. He only just got rid of the boot, and now this?
But EUGH she's fine, and FFS we do NOT have time for such manufactured drama at this late stage of the competition.
Once the winning team is announced, Nick obviously just chooses whoever he wants to spend some extra time with. He chooses Brooke, and everyone's furious, because she's had enough dates and they expected this reductive, humiliating experience to be more... fair.
Nick and Brooke's date is completely unexceptional but SHHH pls because Emily's going on a single date and we forgot she was still here.
It turns out Emily, about whom we know nothing, likes ballet.
So Mr Badger has decided to take her to see a ballet rehearsal at the opera house. But Nick can't just watch other people dance, he must participate, so obviously he and Emily must do a 'ballet' together.
When Nick is handed his jock strap, he wonders out loud where his genitalia will sit and then comments, "It's going straight up my crackle!"
Cool. It's prime time, but cool.
It's not at all clear why Nick and Emily are rehearsing a dance to perform in front of 'Australia's best ballet dancers,' but allegedly that's what they're doing.
After montages that show Emily getting increasingly frustrated with a blatantly incompetent Mr Badger, they force professional ballet people, who look like they have far better things to do, to watch their dance.
"I think Kevin and Robin were really impressed," Emily says, and we... don't.
After destroying the discipline of ballet forever, Nick and Emily sit down on a couch, presumably with the intention of having a conversation.
Except it... it... it happens again.
THEY RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT AND THEY HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKEN ABOUT ANYTHING YET.
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
TALK ABOUT THE VIEW. TALK ABOUT NICK'S DICK AND BALLS. JUST TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.
The date ends uncomfortably, and pause. We find it necessary to acknowledge that there's one common denominator in the last two conversation-less dates, and it's a 30-year-old man who refers to himself as the Honey Badger.
You, sir, need to say things. More things. Interesting things. Because asking Emily if she curled her hair is a question that necessitates only a yes or no answer, and it's also a weird question for a grown man to ask.
IT'S COCKTAIL PARTY TIME and GOODNESS Osher has news.
He says there's only one single date left before home visits, and Nick will decide who to give it to tonight.
Mr Badger talks to a few of the women, before Sophie decides to grab him because she has something planned.
Because she finds it hard to express her emotions, she's drawn them. Which would be fine. If it wasn't... this.
It hurts our eyes but also our souls, and that's all we have to say about that. Except...
Nick decides to give the final date to Sophie. Presumably because he feels bad that she's in her mid twenties and just drew that ^^ on national television.
It's time for the rose ceremony, and obviously Dasha or Emily are going to go home, given that Nick has discovered he is constitutionally incapable of having a conversation with them - arguably a necessary component in a healthy relationship.
But then Emily gets a rose, leaving Dasha and Shannon in the bottom two.
All of a sudden, Dasha's name is called out to receive the final rose, and WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS GOING ON.
THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
WHAT DID SHANNON EVER DO EXCEPT LOOK LIKE AN EERIE MIX BETWEEN SAM FROST AND KATE HUDSON? WHAT DID SHE EVER DO?
She's heartbroken, and tells Nick he never got to know her and that they would've made a great couple.
As she's getting in the car, she says, "you should've just kissed me," and THEY NEVER EVEN GOT TO KISS AND MEANWHILE HE'S KEEPING PEOPLE IN WHO HE CAN'T EVEN TALK TO.
We're so confused, and then it hits us.
Nick... Nick needs to see women in swimwear in order to decide whether he approves of their body as well as their face. The last time Nick saw Shannon in a bikini was several weeks ago, and he's forgotten. It's a relationship deal breaker for him, and that's why Shannon is so frustrated. "YOU ALREADY SAW ME IN A BIKINI AND YOU APPROVED!" she yells. "YOU'VE JUST FORGOTTEN BECAUSE YOU'VE SEEN SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE IN BIKINIS SINCE."
But Nick is adamant. "How can I know if it's real if I've only seen you in clothing?" he asks.
"Such a shame."
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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