We begin with the unique kind of tension that only comes from Vanessa Sunshine not liking your shared boyfriend enough.
She’s sarcastic about wanting the single date and we don’t get it but we also do.
The clue for the date, which was written by the producers with the sole objective to ‘f*ck with Cass’, is that they have “crossed paths before” and goodness she cannot with the excitement.
But at the very moment she is standing there, ready with her handbag and sunscreen but also those weird leashes parents use to keep their children under control, it’s announced that the date is actually for Brittany.
You see, Brittany was born in the same hospital as Nick in Port Macquarie, and she is of the belief that their placentas were thrown into the same bin and their goo touched and therefore they are kindred spirits.
Cool.
As a side note, Romy is wearing a 'the future is female' t-shirt and it's terrifying for reasons we don't feel the need to articulate.
When Brittany arrives on her date, she's very excited to see Nick "cruise around the corner on his boat", and sweetie, pls, that's not his boat. He whistles at her as she stands on the jetty, which reaffirms every girl's wish: find a man who objectifies you from land and sea.
"Are you ready to risk it for the biscuit?" he asks, even though that saying is in no way related to the current situation, to which she laughs and says that's her favourite quote.
Nick explains that the boat is only a way to get to the actual destination of their date, and it's very kind of him to explain the concept of transport to silly Brittany, who's just a lowly radiographer.
But when they arrive, we're hit with a two-pronged wave of panic. First, it appears they're playing golf, given the presence of a golf cart and/or golf course.
But no.
They're obviously playing footgolf, an entirely made up sport that was clearly someone's failed attempt to make this day seem less sexist (Osher).
When Brittany appears to be somewhat coordinated, Nick comments, "Britt, you've done this before ay!" and no, Mr Badger, no one has done this before. Because it doesn't exist.
It doesn't take long for Britt to start cheating and we're pissed because no one should cheat at footgolf.
After spending a frankly ridiculous amount of time playing a game that doesn't exist, it's suddenly night time and Brittany and Nick move to a rogue couch in the middle of nowhere. Brittany has brought along a bag (?) of questions, obviously handed to her by a producer, and she stumbles across one that asks: "What are the three most important values you look for in a partner?"
She answers humour, love and respect, two of which aren't values but okay.
But none of that matters because Nick needs to see Brittany in a bikini before he decides whether he likes this one and they're running out of time.
He hurries her off and demands she change quickly before having a swim at night in a pool that's nine degrees. Luckily, Nick is satisfied, so gives her a rose and kisses Britt in what is officially the first consensual kiss of the season.
IT'S TIME FOR THE GROUP DATE and Osher is very excited because he's finally been allowed to design a game. Yes, he has props. No, they don't make sense.
The first challenge involves a straw, a ball, a handshake, and a llama and no seriously why is there more than one llama in the background they're not necessary to this activity at all.
It turns out that despite her severe lack of interest in Nick, Vanessa Sunshine takes herself very seriously, which we would too if our names were Vanessa Sunshine. Somehow, she manages to win the bizarre series of challenges, which says everything you need to know about the strangeness of this game.
When she realises what she's done, however, she's utterly distraught. She's now required by law to spend a period of approximately 20 minutes with a man who self-identifies as 'Honey Badger'.
Within the first few moments of their conversation, Vanessa mentions that she doesn't 'get' dad jokes, and um, no that's literally... all Nick has.
He asks what she would do with a free weekend and she responds, 'I have a free weekend this weekend?' and no, Vanessa, you're not allowed to go home this weekend unless this strange man says you can so pipe down.
Once she finally understands the question, she says she likes to get brunch and go to the gym, then proceeds to explain brunch to a grown man.
At the end of their date, Vanessa tells the camera, "I literally have no idea who he is," and if this isn't the love story of the season we don't know what is.
Pause.
Osher's shitty that Brooke hasn't used her specially designed sex key yet so has sent her a firmly worded email about it. Guilty, but also scared, she goes to visit Nick with a picnic basket full of food, putting his address in maps, even though we're fairly certain he lives next door.
She's brought her boots so they can play footy together and for a moment we have concerns that Honey Badger is going to go full Wallabies and violently tackle her but he decides that maybe it's not appropriate... today.
He darts past her and Brooke is still surprised that this curly haired man appears to be quite proficient at rugby and reminds herself to google him when she gets home.
They do a kiss, which importantly also appears to be consensual, and Nick rewards her regard for consent with a rose.
IT'S THE COCKTAIL PARTY PLS AND CASS IS WEARING HER WEDDING DRESS.
She thinks it's time she told Honey Badger how she really feels which she does precisely every time she is within 10 metres of him.
But Cass, no.
She wants to read him her journal and Cass, pls, listen to us, we need you to put down the notebook and change out of the wedding dress and maybe go to the toilet for a bit and scroll through Instagram.
Pls.
We unpack the funniest moments from the Honey Badger’s latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
But Cass decides it's best if she tells this man who we believe in our hearts she dated for a little while and he stopped texting her back but kept watching her Insta stories, how she loved him the moment she saw him.
She asks Honey Badger to look in the opposite direction so she doesn't feel embarrassed and we are also looking in the opposite direction because this AIN'T RIGHT.
She says things which we have permanently erased from our memory and Honey Badger replies with "Thank you" and "I don't want to hurt anyone" and WHY CAN'T SHE SEE THIS IS NOT GOING TO PLAN.
But we're distracted because Cat and Shannon are having a fight that we don't at all understand but are also 100 per cent on Shannon's side.
An honourable mention goes to Dasha who has a five-year-old kid named 'Leon' who a) sounds cute and b) somehow has his name mispronounced by Honey Badger multiple times.
Ultimately, two women named Cayla (THERE WERE TWO CAYLAS?!) are sent home, as well as a person called Christina, who seems... blonde.
BUT WAIT.
One of the Caylas (the one who actually... exists) has decided she should tell Honey Badger that some of the ladies in his mansion are bitches, which we think is a brilliant, if not entirely unnecessary, idea. She tells him Cat and Romy are only here for fame (SURELY NOT) and that Cat has been plugging her jewellery line in the mansion.
Nick's interest is approximately zero, and as she asks, "would you like to know who the good ones are Nick?" he slams the limo door in her face.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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Catch up on all the recaps right here:
Ep 1: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The awkward incident that has two women fuming.
Ep 2: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The most cringeworthy first kiss we've ever seen.