The Twins recap The Bachelor: So this whole thing about Brooke's secret is really messed up.

September 12, 2018

To keep up to date with The Honey Badger, AKA Nick Cummins, and all the best Bachelor 2018 news, cast and roses, check out our Bachelor hub. It’s a blast.

We’re not saying Osher stopped personally delivering date cards because he was scared of Cat, but we’re also not saying he didn’t.

All of a sudden our darling is back, and no one has ever been so excited to be gainfully employed.

"I'm really happy Osher's here because it means a date card," Cass says, and um okay that's kinda rude... he does other things too. Such as games but also roses.

Brittney gets a second single date, even though a number of the other women haven't even had a first date, and everyone's very confused about why this situation in which a man dates two dozen women at once seems so... unfair.

For this date, Mr Badger plans to show Brittney 'Australia', a country she has lived in presumably her entire life. Of course, what he means is he's taking her to Sydney Wildlife Park, and it takes him six seconds to enter a koala enclosure he most definitely should not be in.

He acts like he knows them by name, threatening to pick them up, and one koala whose name is allegedly 'Wayno' looks... worried.

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It turns out Nick is just f*cking with the koalas for no reason and instead holds a snake while making jokes about his penis, which makes us but also Wayno want to die.

Their next activity is to feed a crocodile, which definitely seems like a task they shouldn't be doing unsupervised but okay. But... oh. It's at this point we notice something.

It's. It's a three fingered hand.

Just as the crocodile is starting to get some character development, Nick takes Brittney to a couch inside a wallaby's home which feels disrespectful. They kiss and moan but NO. Suddenly all the wallabies are now missing from their enclosure and where the f*ck did they go?

IT'S GROUP DATE TIME and quiet pls there's a man from the FBI here.

We unpack the funniest moments from the Honey Badger’s latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.

At first Osher looks nervous because he's already been given one warning about the abuse of his power in the form of games, and he's specifically been told he cannot get in to any more trouble.

But he needn't worry because the FBI man is here for one thing: ~~Cass~~ secrets. He claims to be a human lie detector who's solved murders and sh*t and it's like okay but why are you here.

It's also worth noting at this point that Jamie-Lee's boot has been here longer than a lot of the girls and IT WANTS A SINGLE DATE. But we digress.

Mr FBI Steve interrogates each woman separately and, yes, he removes Jamie-Lee's boot in search of intel.

We learn the following facts:

Brooke is doing a hide of a secret
Cass is being genuine about her feelings and is "absolutely infatuated with Nick"

There's a problem in that Deanna is a robot
There are no secrets in Jamie-Lee's boot (for now).

It's time for the cocktail party and no seriously, Dasha only attends cocktail parties now and we really respect that.

Oh.

But Brooke is ready to tell her secret. She says she's "really worried about what Nick might think of me," and it "might change Nick's perception of me".

We think it might be that she keeps bodies in barrels in her backyard and, sweetie, this isn't the forum.

She sits with Nick and looks nervous as she talks about her past relationships. "It's something big and it's something you should know," she says.

It becomes clear her ex partners are in the barrels in her backyard and goodness yes this is a compelling secret.

I didn't feel comfortable telling him... because he's in the FBI...

On her way to the secret she says something about having dated two women and okay BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BODIES. HE HAS TO KNOW, BROOKE. YOU'VE COME THIS FAR.

Oh FFS. This is the f*cking secret isn't it.

You see, Brooke has dated women before and given she is now sexually owned by Nick, he is entitled to this information and her commitment to not only him, but his entire gender.

The music goes full horror movie, because this is very scary and confronting for viewers and honestly how did we not get a trigger warning.

Nick takes a moment to process the very big news he's just been told.

So you dated a man... and then you dated women... and now we're on a couch... and I have 8 roses... and it's a Wednesday

Brooke then APOLOGISES and no. Osher has never apologised for one of his games and that is far more demanding of one.

"How do you feel?" she asks Nick, which seems... irrelevant.

He asks, "after both your experiences, what do you feel is right for you?" which is code for: Do you want my d*ck or... no?

She says she likes men, please, because to be clear being bisexual is always a transitory state reserved for confused and indecisive people.

LUCKILY... Brooke says she's not like... bisexual or a lesbian or anything... GOD FORBID. She wants kids and everyone knows that's impossible unless you're in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with a man who has nicknamed himself after an animal.

Mr Badger likes her answer very much and says "It doesn't worry me... at least she knows now what she wants."

... Cool.

Now that we've sufficiently offended all people who identify as bisexual by baiting Brooke's very big and very shameful secret for no less than six whole days, IT'S ROSE CEREMONY TIME.

Unsurprisingly, Deanna goes home, because she's a robot and it was becoming problematic.