The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The single greatest episode of TV we’ve ever seen.

It’s Troy.

Ashley’s gone missing and Troy hasn’t really looked anywhere but distressingly, he can’t find her.

He thinks maybe if he just stares out the peep-hole of his door, holding $4 Coles flowers and looking sad, she might show up. But it’s no use.

She’s gone and she’s never coming bac-

Oh.

We found Ashley and she’s in Troy’s living room all dressed up to go to the dinner party.

She’s here for the same reason we are – not for Troy, but for the gossip. 

In order to give some context for the dinner party, we’re shown flashbacks of last week’s commitment ceremony where everyone found out about the TEXTIN’ SCANDAL but we know. We were there, we don’t do anything else.

Meanwhile, Ryan has started to mumble so incomprehensibly that they've decided to give him subtitles, which feels... rude.

He appears to be angry at Dean for trying to steal his fake wife, but also at Davina for being a shitty fake wife, but mostly at the show, for giving him a fake wife for no reason.

SHUT UP IT'S THE DINNER PARTY AND SERIOUSLY SHH PLS THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

All anyone wants is a fight with Dean and we know because same.

Sarah tells the camera that when it comes to his behaviour, you just can't "get that sort of respect back," and Telv looks at her lovingly, because nothing bonds couples more powerfully than a shared hatred of Dean.

But as soon as Dean arrives, Troy approaches him enthusiastically and says far too loudly, "GOOD TO SEE YOU BUDDY."

Troy.

Read the room. 

We are not happy to see him, and Dean is most certainly not our 'buddy'. Just ask expert Trish. Or Ryan, who gives us the best exchange in Married at First Sight history when Dean says, "Hey Ryan, how are you bro?" and Ryan replies: "Fuck off".

Carly arrives on her own, which is unusual for a show where your one job is to be fake married. Eventually she's asked what happened to the ice cream guy, and obviously he went to Milan for the ice cream Oscars but is coming back tonight because no one in their right mind would miss this dinner party.

But what we... don't... we just... can't...

Justin went to Milan last night and tonight is only 24 hours after that and who goes to Milan for only one day?

That is simply not enough time to fly to Milan and back, let alone be there for an ice cream show.

But pause. Something odd is happening. Davina has... somehow... she's bonding with other women about their shared hatred for Dean, but, um, last week you were going to break up his marriage to be with him so you can't be included?

"Why is it always the woman who's blamed?" she asks and if she tries to hijack the feminist movement to justify her behaviour we swear to God.

We debrief on how much everyone hates Dean. Post continues below.

It's dinner time and literally everyone is keen to start sh*t.

One Direction Sean, who up until this point has had precisely no thoughts/feelings/opinions, asks Dean, "Did you apologise to Ryan?"

Dean says a) he apologised at the commitment ceremony, and, b) it was Ryan who actually encouraged him to hook up with Davina in the first place.

We obviously don't want to take sides but we're 100 per cent certain that everything Dean says is a lie.

Ryan is annoyed because somehow Dean is trying to blame him for the fact he tried to steal his wife, and the rest of the dinner party is obviously on Ryan's side.

Nasser wants a fist fight but he needs to calm down because his wine has been overflowing ever since he walked in which was approximately seven hours ago.

Davina yells to Dean that he told her he was done with Tracey, and he forgets for a second which girl he's currently playing and says, "I know babe".

Wot.

Dean, pls. Keep your girlfriends consistent. It's confusing.

Interestingly, as Ryan gets more drunk, he becomes more Aussie, and turns into a sassy tradesman, if you will.

Meanwhile, Tracey is finishing up what appears to be a 10 minute conversation with Troy and we would do literally anything to get our hands on that footage. She brings up "feeling judged" and we think maybe she just started a fight with other people so she wouldn't have to talk to Troy anymore.

Nasser is, as always, the friend none of us deserve, and starts giving Tracey a pep talk, saying "he trashed you" and "I'd be gone".

We know Nasser. Your morals are impeccable. No one can dispute that.

STOP TRACEY IS TELLING EVERYONE THAT SHE READ THE TEXT MESSAGES BETWEEN DAVINA AND DEAN AND THEY WERE "FILTHY, SEXUAL".

"Who can I trust now? Who can I speak to?" she asks, and obviously not... Dean.

It's at this point we realise that, yeah, a rap from Dean would probably ease the tension, but instead he decides to give a toast and don't even you dare.

He apologises to Tracey and Davina mutters "cool story bro" but, um, yeah Dean's toast sucks but maybe... maybe you should apologise to Tracey? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

At the end of Dean's toast, Charlene shares a helpful reminder that this isn't a swingers club, which, while true, begs the question: omg wouldn't this be such a better show if it was.

Oh.

Justin's here and he bought Carly a present but he left it in the taxi so... yeah.

Sorry but we have no time for fake millionaires tonight, who just want to talk about boats they don't own and presents they didn't buy.

Dean is feeling awkward because he's surrounded by people who hate him, so he heads for the person with the friendliest face: Telv.

But Telv just starts yelling. He calls him a "fucking bullshit artist" before following it up with "you're a fucking cockhead" and while his observations are correct, he might also have had a few too many beers. He tells Sarah about all the mean things he said to Dean and she's very proud.

Tracey has now decided she needs to take Davina aside to talk to her about trying to steal her husband.

When they sit down, Davina asks, "how are you?" and it's the most unauthentic question we've ever heard. She then tells Tracey about all her feelings, accuses her of being 'bitchy', and tells the camera she's actually very proud of herself for being so honest.

You can listen to the full episode of the Married at First Sight recap podcast, here.

Oh honey, no.

She's very happy about how that went, thanks for asking.

But when Tracey returns to the table, she says it went terribly, because she expected an apology which frankly she was never going to get.

Davina is shocked by Tracey's emotions and the experts say it's likely because she has "no empathy", which seems like a big call from the people responsible for what we can only, at this stage, refer to as a 'Big Old Mess'.