We open with Ashley asking Troy what he’s having for breakfast, and him responding nonchalantly, “just classic chicken breast with potatoes”.
WHO ARE YOU TROLLING AND WHY, TROY? That’s not at all a breakfast food and you know it.
Speaking of trolling, Justin has decided that Carly doesn’t know enough about his life as a businessman, so takes her to visit one of his ice cream machines.
Is this… are we watching… an ad for ice cream machines? Because we don’t… need one.
It is at this moment we are reminded that Justin is only here to sell Carly, but also the experts, but also us, one of his machines, and we do not like it at all.
Once Justin is finished offering Carly a “good price,” he takes her to a boat dock as a surprise.
“Boating is either in your blood or it’s not,” he tells us, but we think boating is also a little bit to do with whether you can afford a boat. Justin tells Carly that her not liking boats would be a deal breaker, and for all this talk about boats, where’s your…?
Yeah. So Justin sold his boat. But he is sure to point out another boat that belongs to someone who is not him, and yell at Carly, “MY BOAT WAS LIKE THAT BOAT,” and this man is not a millionaire at all.
He is the worst kind of millionaire. A fake millionaire.
Meanwhile, Davina is attempting to justify her affair with Dean by saying things like, "We all make mistakes," and... nah.
She's at her fake husband Ryan's farm for the afternoon, and his parents are asking how their fake marriage is going.
"IT'S SO FUNNY," Davina says, and, well, it's not that funny, and then she explains how things literally change day-by-day with 'Ry', especially on days when he discovers she's a lil' bit cheating on him.
Ryan's mum knows something is going on. She can smell it.
EVERYONE SHUT UP WE'VE HAD TWO MISSING PEOPLE UNTIL THIS MOMENT.
Yes, we called the police. Because Blair and Sean were actual missing people until they just reappeared like nothing even happened.
It appears they were busy doing the sex, which would be fine, except it's absolutely not because Sean has decided he doesn't like Blair anymore.
LISTEN: We discuss Justin's lack of boat on the Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues below.
When it comes to "developing feelings," Sean explains it's "like a... not," and seriously where the f*ck have you guys been? Did someone hurt you?
Blair cries. We're not sure if this couple is over or what but have few feelings either way.
SHH PLS it's Troy and who let him in the kitchen again.
In case you were wondering, no, Troy does not know the difference between cheese and butter, and, yes, he has to YouTube how to make scrambled eggs.
"It smells like burning," Ashley says, likely because of the burning, and no seriously someone is going to get hurt this is a safety issue.
Luckily Troy is forcibly removed from the kitchen and ultimately gives in to getting a slightly unnecessary haircut. He stares at himself in the mirror for an absurdly long time and the hairdresser tells him how beautiful his hair is. He agrees.
Oh, um, this is awkward, but Justin has to... leave now.
There's a roadshow in Milan he wants to go to because it might turn him into the next Packer and omg you can't just sign up to a reality show and then go to Milan. It's... confusing.
He explains to Carly that "for the next three or four years, I'll probably only be in Australia for three or so months," which begs the question a) why sign up for a show where you get fake married to another person, and b) why did you choose to stay in the experiment LITERALLY days ago.
Also why do you have a fake boat, but that's another issue.
Davina has decided it's important for her to chat to Ryan's friends to see if there's a little more depth to him, which sounds like something she should've done before she cheated on him and organised to run off with another woman's husband, but okay.
Ryan's friends ask whether she can see their fake marriage lasting, and Davina shakes her head and says, "only because we are literally like best mates."
That. Is. Literally. Not. The. Issue. Here.
The. Issue. Is. You. Cheated. On. Him. And. He. Wants. To. Go. Home. Now.
She tells the camera, "I don't want to leave just yet because I have come to the realisation that we do have something special," and if she stays Ryan is actually going to lose it even more than he currently has.
Oh no. Now they're at the beach and Davina has decided she likes Ryan. She tries to ask where he's "at" with the experiment, you know, ever since she cheated on him with another woman's fake husband, etc, and he responds, "What? Huh? Oh, I'm leaving. Like 100 per cent leaving".
But Davina thinks Ryan's being a bit defensive and no. Everyone needs to leave Ryan alone but most of all Davina.
LISTEN: You can listen to the full recap podcast, here.
DEAR GOD Troy has taken Ashley out for a fancy dinner and the conversation is horrible. They start bickering about who is 'trying' harder at being fake married and seriously both of them should stop trying because someone in this marriage is going to end up dead and it's not going to be Ashley.
Troy stands outside the restaurant and starts speaking to the camera about how up and down his marriage is, and how just 24 hours ago, Ashley was talking about having sex with him.
Ashley... Ashley overheard him. And she's mad.
"WHAT" she yells in a way that is scary even for us, before storming off while aggressively saying "SEE YA."
"Can you deal with that?" Troy asks the cameraman and, um, no Troy. 'That' is your fake wife and you broke her.
It's at this point we notice there is a poor service worker just trying to do their job and instead they're caught up in a super embarrassing sex fight.
Troy continues to try to get the cameraman to deal with his angry fake wife and says Ashley shouldn't have been standing there and we have totally abandoned the fourth wall and we feel like no one thought this was going to air.
Ashley yells, "HE DOESN'T EVEN CLEAN HIS TEETH AT NIGHT I'M NOT GOING TO KISS THAT," which, yeah, is petty, but in Troy's defence, the way he brushes his teeth must be super painful so we probably wouldn't do it more than once either.
A producer forces them to try to make up but it's just getting worse because Troy keeps adding details that are further angering Ashley.
The worst thing about this scene, with the rain and also the fighting, is how much it reminds us of The Notebook but sadder.
Troy yells, "WE SHOULDN'T BE OUR HERE IN THE RAIN AT THIS LATE HOUR," and nup it's barely even dark it's like 8pm and we're actually done.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.