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Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The plot twist we all saw coming.

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Hello! Yes, it is me again - that Random Person who recapped the last episode. I know I promised you that the twins would be back to recap this episode, but, well, I lied. In my defence, I didn't know I was lying at the time, so it doesn't really count. Also, you should never trust Random People on the Internet, so it's kind of your fault for believing me in the first place. Anyhoo, just reiterating that I have not taken the twins hostage. They'll be back soon. In the meantime, I have heroically stepped in to waste what little brain cells I have recap THE MOST SHOCKING COMMITMENT CEREMONY IN MAFS HISTORY. That's what the voiceover lady says, anyway. Let's see if it's true, shall we?

*****

We open on Dion in bed alone. "After a tumultuous dinner party, Dion is waking up this morning with clarity," the voiceover lady tells us.

Well, he's certainly not waking up with Carolina, that's for sure. Boom-tish!

Dion is looking forward to the commitment ceremony so he can "speak his truth." We're looking forward to it because we've all seen the promos where they walk out and we want to know why (even though we kind of already know because, contrary to what other people might think, MAFS fans are not idiots).

In a neighbouring suite, Cody and Selina have nicknamed themselves "Colina". It's absolutely terrible. I love it.

They start gossiping about Matt and Kate because their own relationship is so boring and they have nothing else to talk about and also because the producers told them to so that we could nicely transition the next scene to...

Oh look, it's Matt and Kate. Matt sits at the table eating a banana. He once again says he is remorseful about getting drunk the other night. Kate makes a noise that could either mean "I forgive you" or "You suck" or "I'm enjoying eating this baby corn in a yogurt tub". It's hard to tell with Kate.

Just tell him you hate him, Kate. 

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Jackson is still in shock about his wife Olivia's behaviour. We're in shock that Jackson isn't wearing a shirt with buttons.

What is happening?

Brent and Tamara are, for some reason, still on this show. It's torturous. 

But not as torturous as Al's poem to Sam, which we are treated to in flashback mode: "Samantha, my beautiful wife, I want to see you in my life. It makes me sad seeing that I let you down; hope this week I can turn that around."

Give that man a Pulitzer!

Finally, we're at the good part: the commitment ceremony. But wait, someone is missing.

"Looks like nobody really knows what's happened to Carolina tonight," John Aiken says. "We don't know whether she'll be coming to join us or not." 

THAT'S A LIE, JOHN. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE SHE IS AND WHO SHE'S WITH. 

Dion, who is also actor Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigalow Part 1 and 2, is up first on the couch. He is obviously leaving because at this point he doesn't even have a wife to partner with. He's very gracious and lovely and only has nice things to say... does he realise what show he's on? 

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You should be on a much nicer show than this one. Like Deuce Bigalow Part 3.

Mitch and Ella are up next and write "Stay". Boring. Next!

It's Brent and Tamara. The producers try to make their couch conversation dramatic but really it's just excruciating, like their whole relationship. Tamara writes "Leave" and Brent writes "Stay". The torture continues.

We are all Brent right now.

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Colina are on the couch and they both obviously write "Stay". Boring. Next!

It's Poet Al and his beautiful wife, Samantha. Sam is at the end of her rope in this relationship and writes "Leave". Poet Al writes "Stay" because he is "learning a lot" and it's about "personal growth" aka "I need more time to increase my Instagram followers". Since Sam looks like she might spontaneously combust, the relationship experts agree to something they've never done before - they will give Al and Sam just one day more together and the couple will then decide whether to stay or leave. 

PLEASE LET ME LEAVE.

It's obvious Jack and Domenica will write "Stay". Mel Schilling asks what happened at the retreat. Domenica explains. Mel asks Olivia. Olivia explains. Then Domenica and Olivia have a back and forth, which is frankly pretty annoying at this point. We are over this fight now. Seriously, make like Elsa and just let it go already. 

Matt and Kate write "Leave". For the first time on this entire show, Kate looks happy.

Excuse me, but when is this alleged walkout happening? This commitment ceremony has been pretty routine thus far and it's been more than an hour already.

Jackson and Olivia are up. Jackson starts talking about Olivia's snide comments for the millionth time and how he saw a different side to her.

"I tried to warn him, really," Olivia says.

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Jackson still isn't running away screaming. Could this be the real deal? Could this be, gulp, LOVE?

"I think he's the right one," Olivia says. "I think he's..."

We never find out what Jackson is - besides very, very tolerant or very, very stupid - because the door flings open and standing there is: CAROLINA! AND DANIEL! HOLDING HANDS! WE ARE SHOOK!

Except we aren't really, because we all knew this was coming but let's act surprised anyway because the producers obviously put so much effort into this.

GASP.

Olivia and Jackson get chased back to the rest of the group to free up the couch for the intruders. We're informed the couch is wet from all the sweat the participants have dripped onto it. 

This is just gross on so many levels.

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There's a lot of swearing and chattering as Daniel and Carolina get set up with mics while sitting on the gross couch. The experts try not to look too gleeful as they see the headlines - "CHEATING SCANDAL EXPLODES" - practically write themselves.

Daniel explains how he and Carolina got together. The rest of the group are appalled and keep yelling out questions, prompting headmaster John Aiken to tell them to quieten down so that HE can ask the questions.

Shut up, the headmaster is speaking.

Carolina apologises to Dion. Someone yells, "F** that!" 

"Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not with the language," the headmaster says. "You can't go there."

Dion has his moment to say his piece. "Someone else could've had your opportunity, Carolina, to sit by me, to get married to me, to get everything that I offer as a person. And you've taken that away from that person, and you took it away from me."

That deserves a standing ovation. Even Rob Schneider himself could not give a speech as eloquently as Dion just did.

Daniel then has the audacity to ask if he and Carolina could join the experiment as a couple.

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And, at long last, five minutes before the show ends, we have it: The Mass Walkout. It feels pretty anticlimactic at this point because we've been shown the walkout scene about 10 times now. For your viewing pleasure, here it is again.

Let's get...

...outta here!

But maybe they'll surprise us and all the participants will leave the ceremony and they'll have to continue it in the next episode or something. Maybe they'll show the couples running down the street, trying to get away from the producers. Maybe there will even be a car chase! Maybe they'll...

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... Return after the ad break?

DID THEY REALLY JUST WALK OUT AND THEN WALK RIGHT BACK IN? OH MY GOD. HAHAHAHAHA. THAT'S IT? THAT WAS THE BIG WALKOUT? WE SHOULD'VE CALLED IT THE BIG LETDOWN INSTEAD.

Okay. I am fine now. I just needed a minute.

After several dramatic pauses, the experts tell Daniel and Carolina that they are very much NOT welcome back into the experiment and the group rightfully breaks out into rapturous applause. I guess you're not so bad after all, Headmaster Aiken.

So, after two hours of our lives that we won't ever get back, it's time to say goodbye to Daniel and Carolina. We'll miss their sexy gym rendezvous and their endless kissing in dark stairways.

Goodbye, Matt. Goodbye, Kate. We hope you and your baby corn are very happy together.

Goodbye, Dion. Don't you worry, you'll be fine. You'll probably be the next Bachelor or something.

And besides, there's always Deuce Bigalow Part 3.

You were the best of us, Dion.

You can read the previous MAFS recaps here:

Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.

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