WE ARE SO HAPPY WHAT THE HELL WE DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
Sorry. Let's start at the beginning.
Holy NO Osher is SO excited for the finale of Bachelor in Paradise.
He starts yelling the words "ENGAGEMENT RING" but Osher, pls, there is no suspense here. Surely it's Grant who proposes, because proposing to someone after only a few weeks on reality television is a distinctly un-Australian thing to do.
We begin with Sam and Tara clearly waking up in a fancy bungalow together and goodness our grandmother would be horrified by the sexual implication.
They seem nervous about the commitment ceremony which we don't 100 per cent understand because you can just commit now and break up when you get home, it's not really that big of a deal but okay.
Meanwhile Ali and Grant are humping in a spa that clearly Osher forgot to clean and now it's green and full of disease. We can actually see the moment they both contract cholera and start diarrhea-ing and it's uncomfortable because they're not at that point in their relationship yet. It's all very dramatic.
As a side note, we have a life pro tip for Grant: Stop proposing to people on Bachelor in Paradise for no reason. Like specifically Bachelor in Paradise. Make that your New Year's resolution.
Elsewhere, Jarrod and Keira are saying silly things like, "If we can handle it here, we can handle it out there," which, err, you've spent a month on an island getting f*cked up - this is literally as good as it gets.
When Jarrod speaks to Keira he doesn't ever blink because he knows that if he does SHE MIGHT RUN AWAY AND THEN HE WILL LOSE HER.
"I don't want Keira to think I'm just having a paradise fling," Jarrod says, and Keira doesn't think that Jarrod. No one thinks that.
Keira desperately wants Jarrod to say "I love you," but Jarrod is distracted because he desperately needs to ask Keira if she might rub some aloe vera on his back. It's started peeling.
We nearly forgot about Megan and Jake. Megan's been weirdly uncertain about Jake ever since... always... and now she thinks it's best if they don't do the commitment ceremony.
We can hear a very loud, "HEH HEH" and, yes, it's Florence popping up behind a bush she has been hiding in for eight days now.
Megan packs her bags and leaves, which seems unnecessary given it would have been more convenient for them both to just catch the same flight home together but whatever.
SHHHH Jarrod's ready to commit PLS.
Seeing Jarrod dressed up on a beach in Fiji is unspeakably triggering. He meets Osher next to the... pool... and we just know he's going to get in trouble for his sunburn.
"Basically I can't see anything in my future without Keira," Jarrod says, and where... where have we heard that before.
He recites the speech he had written for Sophie to Keira but is sure to change the names, and she likes it very much.
They say "I love you" and PAUSE how did we end up so emotionally invested in this relationship. This wasn't ever meant to happen.
Jarrod got his happy ending and, yes, he might be sunburnt, but he deserves it because he is a good man we think - unlike stupid Grant.
Speaking of Grant he has an ugly AF ring that looks like a burger and we would personally say no to that.
Ali meets Osher and tells him how much she's in love with the novelty American, and Osher tries to be enthusiastic.
They say lots of things and Grant's pants are both too tight and too short. They go on about spending the rest of their lives together (lol) and it's at this moment we realise we wouldn't even be a little bit surprised if Grant pulled off his mask and revealed himself to actually be Mack.
But then... we start to notice something.
Grant's not doing a propose.
He is still standing on both of his feets.
He gives Ali the ugly burger ring and doesn't say shit about marriage and now it's gone all quiet and NO.
ONE ENGAGEMENT MINUS THREE COUPLES PLUS ONE OSHER MINUS ONE FIJI EQUALS ONE COUPLE LEFT TO DO AN ENGAGE.
We withdraw our judgment that proposing on TV is unAustralian and we now believe it is not only quintessentially Australian but also very romantic.
Sam meets Osher and reveals his plan to propose. Osher cannot.
Osher wants to ask about what colour suit he should wear as best man, but decides that question can wait.
Tara tells Sam she loves him etc. and then it's Sam's turn.
"You're incredible. You're everything I've been looking for for a long time.... I've found my girl. You are my girl...."
And then BOOM.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Sam proposes and Tara cries but mostly we cry and our dog is crying but we think maybe that's because we haven't fed him tonight because we're too invested and we're sorry but SAM AND TARA JUST GOT FUCKN ENGAGED.
Tara suggests they have Osher marry them, and in the distance we hear a whimper as all Osher's dreams come true.
Wais is to be the flower girl, and Keira the maid of honour.
BUT THERE'S FKN MORE AND WE CAN'T TAKE IT.
Ali and Grant obviously broke up because Grant gave her a burger ring.
She's the next Bachelorette and WE LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.
UNTIL NEXT SEASON.
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