The Twins recap Bach in Paradise: Jake is a goddamn snake.

Video by Channel Nine.

Megan has been in Osher’s commune for approximately four seconds when Florence, AKA Olga the 89-year-old politically incorrect Russian woman, makes a comment you’re just definitely not supposed to make about bisexual people.

“I don’t know much about Megan,” she says. “But I thought she was a lesbian.”

Florence, pls.

This show is entirely heteronormative and there would obviously be no way for a lesbian to fit in with this ridiculously simplistic narrative. We all know it. It’s why we turn off the critical thinking part of our brains when we watch it.

Unsurprisingly, Florence is mostly mad at Jake. She spots a makeup stain on his shirt and yells at him aggressively to find out where it came from. He assures her it’s just from “a hug, babe” and we’re not sure why he’s calling an angry 89-year-old ‘babe’ but okay.

I'm a Russian grandmother in a hot Danish woman's body and I will not apologise for it.

Olga wants to know why Jake hasn't spoken to her all day, and he insists it's because he hasn't had the chance which would be fine if Jake LITERALLY HAD ANYTHING ELSE TO DO TODAY. ANYTHING. FFS.

Oh Jesus who let Jarrod wear a fedora.

Advertisement

We think it might have been Osher who took Jarrod aside this morning and said, "Look mate, no hat no play, you're sunburnt on your sunburn and you're making people uncomfortable."

He has to choose one woman for his date today, but Jarrod is chill. Relaxed. Unfussed. The only thing he's concerned about is where Ali is at all times, so he can effectively chart her ovulation cycle as to put his babies in her womb this month, pls.

Surprisingly, he chooses Ali to take on his date, and we just hope it is indoors because goddammit Jarrod is a walking skin cancer and he needs some shade.

"Nah this fedora is legit an OH&S measure."

Meanwhile, Florence has not moved from her favourite 'layin' shit on Jake seat' where she's been perched for three days now. An informant has told her that Jake kissed Megan last night, even though he explicitly said he did not.

Luckily, Florence has one person she can always confide in: Wise. AKA the Fijian man who is here solely to wait on white people.

PAUSE.

Jarrod is dancing and why did this show not come with an explicit warning.

As Jarrod and Ali watch the native dancers he says it's like The Aladdin King which is problematic because a) that's not a... thing, b) you're not in Africa, and c) you're also not in the Middle East.

You're in Fiji and everything you do - including your sunburn - is culturally offensive.

Zara McDonald and Michelle Andrews recap the glory that was that episode. Post continues after audio.

Anywho - Jarrod dances like our dad does when he is trying to ruin our lives. He tries out this manoeuvre where he shuffles but also puts his hands in the air like an awkward white guy in da club and we need this to end immediately.

It's embarrassing for him, the whole of Fiji, Ali and also us.

And also Channel 10.

Once the dancing is... cancelled, Jarrod sits with Ali, but there's an issue.

He's sweating... so much. He is even sweating out of his eye holes. Jarrod doesn't belong in tropical climates and that isn't a criticism but a fact.

"Why does this franchise keep sending me here?"

He says to Ali, "You didn't have to try to make an entrance. You were the entrance," and no Jarrod. Don't do this again. You promised. 

Meanwhile in paradise, where it hasn't stopped raining and Flo is ruining anyone's attempts to relax, Megan tells her that Jake said they were just friends.

All of a sudden they start doing this really awkward thing where they cut from her being angry, to a storm, as though she's creating the storm, and this show isn't smart enough for a metaphor we all know that.

Flo obviously behaves like any agreeable, flirty young woman seeking the approval of a man she likes, and walks into Jake's bungalow, yells at him, throws a glass of champagne in his face and storms out.

Cool.

STOP PLS Osher's wearing a suit and yes it obviously means there's a rose ceremony tonight because he doesn't change out of his Hawaiian shirt for nothing.

The problem is that every man would like to give his rose to Ali which is awkward because it's not really how the game works.

But, pause. Mack needs to be separated from anyone with a vagina because he is going to hurt himself. He tells Ali that he's spent the last 24 hours thinking about her a lot and she agrees to "get to know" him and then he ejaculates all over her which is inappropriate.

He keeps saying "WOW" because apparently no one has ever wanted to get to know him before and yeah Mack it's because you ejaculate on them.

"NO ONE HAS EVER SPOKEN TO ME BEFORE."

It's at this point that Jarrod, who is now sunburnt, sweating, and wildly confident, decides he should tell Keira that he won't be giving her a rose tonight. You see, he's fallen in love with Ali, the other blonde girl, and they will be starting a family soon. Keira is welcome to visit the vineyard, of course, to congratulate them on falling so deeply in love within one day, but no, she won't be getting a rose from him.

Keira casually thanks him for telling her, as though she doesn't care because tbh she's busy (she's not busy) and has other options (she doesn't have other options) and walks confidently in the opposite direction of the cocktail party. She goes to her bungalow and bursts out in tears because WHY WON'T ANYONE LOVE HER and she WON'T BE ANYONE'S SECOND CHOICE.

SHHHHH PLS it's time for the rose ceremony and can someone turn the lights down? Jarrod's getting sunburnt.

Mack's up first, and ejaculates on his rose before presenting it to Ali which is a nice touch.
Leah's pissed because 'What's so good about Ali? Is it that she just reeks desperation?" and thank God she's still a villain we were getting confused.

Jarrod is very hurt because he TOLD Mack he was giving Ali his rose, because he already owns her, and then instead gives Keira his rose which is awkward because he made her cry for literally no reason.

Speaking of awkward, Blake gives a rose to Lenora. Firstly, that is not a person who is on this show, and secondly, we wouldn't make fun of you not being able to pronounce Laurina's name if you hadn't been convicted of assault.

Them the rules.

"I wont that wun."

At this point, Jake goes rogue and starts straight up telling Michael to pick Florence, while the producers are simultaneously telling Michael to definitely not pick Florence.

It's confusing for Michael, but his gut is telling him that if he always does the opposite to what Jake says, everything will be fine.

He chooses Leah, leaving Jake to pick between Florence and Megan. Lol.

Jake chooses Megan because a) she hasn't been violent in the last 24 hours, b) she hasn't yelled at him, and c) he's not worried she'll cut off his penis in his sleep.

Olga is pissed, but tbh, this whole thing is ridiculous.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

JOIN THE CONVERSATION