We begin where we have begun many times before: desperately wishing Jarrod would shhh stop talking now pls.
“You could call Keira and I the mum and dad of paradise,” he says and omg no one thinks that.
Honestly, by this stage the producers just put a camera in Jarrod’s face and leave it rolling for a few minutes and their job is done for the day.
Keira forces Jarrod to ask her to be his girlfriend, which we’re pretty sure he’s asked previously and she’s laughed in his face HAHAH NO U IDIOT but this time she’s in a good mood so says ‘fine’.
She then calls on Wais to get them a drink to celebrate and Keira you’re always drinking this isn’t a celebration anymore.
Meanwhile, American Jared has decided now would be a good time to let Leah know the rose he gave her last night was most definitely, 100 per cent out of pity.
He semi regrets his decision, he explains, and we wonder if this conversation absolutely had to happen. Leah, yet again, threatens to go home before muttering under her breath, "hehe nah I won't I don't have a job..." and yes, well, we know.
IT'S A DATE CARD and goddamn this show makes no sense why the hell does Thomas get another one.
He asks Rachael to join him and she actually says yes, so Thomas ejaculates into his pants and it's very embarrassing. He is very excited that he doesn't have to go on another date that involves a bath with Jarrod.
We discover their date involves a round of f*cking golf and holy shit that sounds awful.
Surprisingly, it's awful, and they try to make us care by calling it 'Love Golf' and no we know this is just regular golf with love hearts and we do not appreciate it at all.
It should also be noted that there are clearly other people on holiday just trying to enjoy a round of golf, and they're being told by a man in a Hawaiian shirt to please not go near the sixth hole because two strangers are trying to find love over there.
Rachael wins (WHY must it ALWAYS be a competition), and then sits down with Thomas to tell him a) she's not here to f*ck around, b) she's been very single for a very long time, and c) you can kiss me now.
Back at the... pool area, Osher emerges from the bushes, covered in shrubbery, to make an announcement. A person is returning to the show because they have 'unfinished business,' and we all know it's Flo because, yes, she put it on Instagram earlier today.
"It cannot be Florence, I swear to God I'll kill myself," Jake says and that's precisely the point.
Is it clear why Osher has a vendetta against Jake and continues to make up new rules with the sole purpose of breaking him? No.
As Florence arrives, we get flashbacks to give context but we do not need them. We know she's here to be an angry Russian grandmother and talk about the Cold War etc.
Keira reflects that she doesn't think paradise brings out Flo's best traits and... NO SH*T. We are reminded that while Keira might have broken Jarrod upwards of 40 times and sometimes yells "DAIQUIRI" at Wais while he is trying to sleep, she is perceptive. And we don't give her nearly enough credit.
Eden has his crazy eyes out again and shit is going down.
You see, Eden believes in his heart but also in his soul that he is in a relationship with Elora - the woman who has told him several times she has no romantic interest in him whatsoever and in fact deeply resents him ever since he put food in her eyes during their sand dune date.
Elora keeps telling the camera they are "just friends". Eden keeps telling the camera they have a "strong romantic connection," which appear to be two very different things.
Listen to the latest episode of Bach Chat with Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald. Post continues.
It's time for some PRODUCER TROLLIN' so they force Elora to sit down with Eden and ruin him while they film a close up of his eyes that have not blinked in upwards of 15 minutes.
Eden goes full "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS," and... nothing. That's the... point... of watching dating on television.... none of it makes sense and people get heartbroken for no reason.
Eden decides it's time for him to leave paradise which honestly it was time for everyone to leave like three weeks ago so good call.
He doesn't say bye to anyone which feels a little rude and gets an Uber to his... home.
Elora tells everyone about how Eden just wanted her to be free to be herself (wut) and he didn't want to restrain her (huh) and now everyone can see her for who she really is and all anyone wants to know is where the f*ck Eden is.
They appear relatively unfazed that their campmate has suddenly disappeared and the only evidence they have that he wasn't brutally murdered is Elora's word.
Oh. No. Not again.
Tara and Sam have gone on a romantic date and yes it involves and we quote, "DOIN' SUM KINDA BOLLYWOOD DANCING."
They start clapping before the dance performance is properly finished and this. ain't. right.
After they a lil' bit offend an entire culture, they sit down with some dranks and make speeches at each other.
They say "I love you" and... even though Ali and Grant are just random enough to get engaged at the end of this, we're 99 per cent certain it's going to be Sam and Tara because this is so weird that it works.
But stop because FLO IS STILL MAD PLS.
She has obviously come to paradise to bitch about Jake in closer proximity to him.
Keira is sick of any drama that doesn't directly involve her and can't understand why Flo didn't just DM him in Instagram rather than spend FIVE HOURS flying all the way back to Fiji to just whinge.
Jake decides he should make peace with Flo so she doesn't stab him in the middle of the night and we have just two questions:
- Why is Jake wearing a hat at night time?
- How has Jake gotten away with wearing a single denim shirt this entire season?
Flo asks neither of these questions and instead explains how hurt she is etc. which we'd somewhat gathered. Jake apologises and Flo accepts because as much as she hates him, she still likes his face.
The next morning, Flo decides she should probably do something other than yell profanities at Jake from a distance. She'd like to meet someone but has zero interest in anyone currently in paradise... but that's not fair because honestly no one has even tried with Wais and he seems lonely AF.
But THEN there's an announcement.
There will be no more people joining Bachelor in Paradise.
All of them have either already been on the show, are currently dating each other, or are too busy selling things on Instagram.
There are no more.
Leah, having realised she's already attempted to forge relationships with every single person who has ever been on a TV show ever, decides it's time to leave, so puts on a fancy dress and walks out.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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