The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: Laurina just stormed out.

We open with a reminder that last night, Laurina chose American Jared to stay for no reason, and today everyone’s celebrating with a game of ‘Ali-throws-a-ball-in-her-bikini-and-all-the-men-try-catch-it’ in the pool.

But there’s a problem.

It’s Red Jarrod.

He’s turned purple.

The air. It hurts.

Channel Ten seriously has a lawsuit coming because we just know a few months from now, Jarrod is going to be aggressively stomping on grapes at the vineyard when he discovers he is no longer a man but a skin cancer, and needs to get the organ that is his skin removed permanently.

But none of that matters, because Jarrod has decided he's going to flirt with other people and no pls we can't do this again it's simply too exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting, it turns out last night Leah tried to hook up with Michael and he RAN AWAY. He is now the fourth person to reject her in two weeks and this is easily the most honest representation of dating we've seen on television.

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PAUSE.

Elora has arrived and no she's not wearing pants.

She has a date card but it's awkward because pretty much everyone is taken except for Jarrod and she's worried she's going to catch whatever he.. has.

That ain't right.

After an entirely clickbaited bisexual plot line, she settles on Michael and they obviously go glass blowing.

They make glasses to drink their alcohol out of next to the pool because that's literally the only activity anyone does here and honestly Wise is going to be so offended if they come back with their own cups.

While they're blowing into poles (wtf) Simone arrives and Osher has straight up stopped introducing us to people/providing date cards because Channel Ten have called him in for a legal discussion re: Jarrod.

Jarrod obviously calls Simone's outfit a 'red number' and immediately becomes visibly excited and this is why, Jarrod. This is why.

He asks her for a chat, and she asks what a vineyard is and whether it's the same as a winery. She then starts laughing hysterically and we don't understand what's so funny but then we realise it's probably his sunburn.

Meanwhile, everyone's annoyed because Laurina doesn't seem fully committed to hanging out with sub-par people who have more followers on Instagram than they frankly deserve, and having empty relationships that end when someone hotter walks in. All she does is read books and sleep and occasionally bitch and omg Laurina that sounds like the best holiday we want to come.

"You find me a man better than sleep and I'll see what I can do."

STOP PLS it's suddenly night time and Grant is telling Jarrod that Keira is using him, which is a bizarre conversation to have given that, um, we all know. Jarrod tries to do a cool 'bro' handshake with Grant to thank him for 'being real' and ffs Jarrod you're 32 you shouldn't need another man to tell you what to do always.

But Keira has spotted people talking about her, so now she wants to start shit.

She's drunk because she hasn't stopped drinking in two weeks and is yet to eat a single meal, so approaches Grant to ask WUT he was SAYIN to JARROD. As always, we're missing vital context, because we thought Keira... told Jarrod... she didn't... like him but now she's calling Grant a psychopath and threatening to throw her drink in his face which feels excessive.

She's yelling: "WE SEE YOUR INTENTIONS" and also warning him not to f*ck with her and Wise should definitely have cut her off like six days ago.

But Jarrod obviously finds her behaviour endearing because it means she likes him. Which it doesn't at all. And he thinks her "tanties" are cute which they most certainly are not when Grant has a shard of glass hanging out of his eye. 

"Osher literally just sent me in here to watch you 24/7."

Osher is panicking so sends in a date card for Laurina. But..

Oh.

Well, Laurina is mid-facial and she's also ready for bed, so no, but thanks, but no.

Simone is angry because Laurina is "disrespecting" the enterprise that is Bachelor in Paradise and five minutes ago Keira was threatening a man with a mango daiquiri so there are clearly very high standards of respect.

"You get to bed quite a lot," Sam says, "you could always delay it to... go on a date. Because it's a dating show, it's not a sleeping show," and omg so true.

Simone is telling everyone it's probably because she's older and needs to go to bed early and she's 34 Simone you need to hush. 

Laurina summons a producer and says someone should have given her more notice as she does not appreciate having things sprung on her and Laurina, pls, if they did that you wouldn't have cried which was the whole point.

"Can I have 24 hours notice pls? I have things to do."

She is astounded by the lack of consideration by the producers whose sole job it is to unravel her mentally but also spiritually, and decides this isn't cool and she's going to leave now.

GOODNESS.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, or join our Bach in Paradise Lols Facebook group.

Read all our recaps, right here:

Ep 6: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: The most revolting Bachelor in history. 

Ep 5: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: 'It wouldn't be appropriate to give you my rose.'

Ep 4: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: Jake is a goddamn snake.

 

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