The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: One man’s rose is disqualified.

Now that Leah has made her agonising decision to go home, paradise is… literally exactly the same.

Everyone’s drinking by the pool, Jarrod is working on his sunburn, and Keira is reflecting on how Leah was “a manipulating little shit” but she still kinda liked her.

But Elora’s boobies can sense that all is not well with Apollo and Simone.

She’s made a producer show her their interviews with Apollo, where he says there’s a lot of things he and Simone don’t have in common, which could be an issue in the future. We’re unsure what Elora plans to do with this information, until she says, “My plan is to try and steal Apollo away at the cocktail party.”

Oh. Okay.

"They can tell when it's raining."

Rachael is trying to talk to Thomas, but he's decided she's coming on too strong, and Megan thinks she's being a bit desperate.

OF COURSE SHE'S DESPERATE SHE CAME ON REALITY TELEVISION LOOKING EXPLICITLY FOR LOVE.

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In other news, this show is super boring now because everyone a) has voluntarily left because there's no security and you can just walk out whenever you want, b)is  happily in a couple, or c) is hopelessly single.

There is no tension. There is no gossip. There is no more drama to be had.

IT'S THE COCKTAIL PARTY PLS and if you could excuse Elora for a moment she's just going to steal Simone's boyfriend.

Listen to Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald dissect the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise on Bach Chat. Post continues after audio.

She decides to use the age old strategy of firetwirling to bring them closer, which is essentially the same as trying to get to know someone by mutually juggling.

They oil up their bodies for no reason and do a performance, which approximately three people watch. It's like when you're five and do a show for your family at Christmas, and everyone wants to die, but mostly your parents.

Keira's drunk but also keen to start shit so tries to think of the most controversial thing she could possibly say at this point in time. "I think Elora and Apollo would make a good couple," she says and YOU DO NOT KEIRA you just want to start a fight so pls keep going.

Na na I think they're perf.

Elora is confident that performing a non-synchronised, completely out of context fire routine with Apollo has made him fall in love with her. "It's one thing we have that no one else on this island has," she says and we feel like relationships are built on more than a shared love of fire but okay.

Meanwhile, Simone has been crying and the ONLY person who has checked on her is Wais.

Jarrod tells Apollo he should check on Simone and shut up Jarrod maybe you should check on your sunburn.

Apollo explains to Simone that "it was just entertainment" but is it really entertainment if no one asked you to do it?

He's confused about why Simone is upset, and Simone wants to scream ELORA IS A WITCH AND SHE'S CASTING A SPELL ON YOU WITH FIRE BROOMS but she doesn't know if they're at the point in their relationship where she can say that yet.

Expelliarmus

SHHH it's the rose ceremony because this show no longer has any structure.

It's all going as expected, until American Jared (Jesus at what point will he earn the right to be called by his own name) starts to make a speech.

He says he doesn't have enough of a connection with anyone to continue, so he's decided to not hand out his rose and to leave paradise. But Osher wasn't quite listening so announces quite sternly that Jared's rose doesn't count anymore, no one will be receiving it, and Jared has to leave right now.

Like... we know. He just said he was leaving.

It's Apollo's turn to hand out the final rose, and after a bizarrely long silence, he gives it to Simone, sending Elora and Florence home.

"Well that was a bloody disaster, I'm done here," Florence says and um, YOU HAVE TO BE it's all fin now.

No now I'm really done, unless they invite me back idk I'd probs come

At the end of the rose ceremony, Apollo takes Simone aside for a chat.

All of a sudden he's crying and NO none of us wanted this YOU BROKE APOLLO by CONFUSING HIM and making him think that it was wrong to play with fire brooms when it can ONLY EVER BE RIGHT.

He tells Simone he didn't come here to be one of the final couples in the magazines (ooooh magazine gossip PLS), and he's found a connection with her that he'd like the pursue at home but he hasn't found love.

It's confusing because surely pursuing a relationship in Fiji when you have a Wais to serve you drinks is more fun than pursuing a relationship back in Australia with no Wais, but for some inexplicable reason they decide to leave.

The next morning, no one knows where they are, until Tara drops in that Wais told her they left. Okay firstly, Wais is such a gossip, and secondly, his friendship with Tara is inpenetrable.

They gave me a kiss on the cheek and everything...

IT'S OSHER and where is this episode going we're so confused.

He says everyone needs to decide TODAY whether they're going to stay together, and if they don't, they have to leave. CHOP CHOP.

It's awkward because literally the only couple who need to have this conversation are Rachael and Thomas, and they've known each other for not even 48 hours.

Thomas tells Rachael he had a really good time on their date, but he doesn't feel like things have progressed since then, which is understandable, GIVEN THAT IT WAS YESTERDAY.

Rachael acts calm and says goodbye, before breaking down into a full mid life crisis that precisely none of us feel comfortable watching.

"I'm at the age where I feel like I should already be married," she cries to a producer, who has approximately zero training in dealing with people's emotional issues.

I'm so... sorry for you.

The producer slowly backs away into the bush, then into the ocean, then to another continent, where they don't have to worry about ruining innocent people's lives anymore.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, or join our Bach in Paradise Lols Facebook group.

For all your Bachelor in Paradise Australia gossip in one convenient place, check out our Bachelor in Paradise 2018 hub.

Read all our recaps, right here:

Ep 13: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: Oh. We know exactly who's getting engaged.

Ep 12: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: One man completely screws the rose ceremony.

Ep 11: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: IT'S A CHEATING SCANDAL. 

Ep 10: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: A prank goes horribly wrong. 

Ep 9: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: A very X-rated fight.

Ep 8: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: Michael just went rogue and everyone cried. 

Ep 7: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: Laurina just stormed out. 

Ep 6: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: The most revolting Bachelor in history. 

Ep 5: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: 'It wouldn't be appropriate to give you my rose.'

Ep 4: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: Jake is a goddamn snake.

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