The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: 'It wouldn't be appropriate to give you my rose.'

April 8, 2018

We begin with a very excited Osher telling us there’s going to an ‘American invasion,’ and Osher, pls, two contestants from the US Bachelorette, one of whom is actually Canadian, hardly constitutes an invasion.

Unsurprisingly, Laurina is pissed because at the last rose ceremony, Blake tried to give his rose to Lenora, a person who does not exist. It’s sad for Blake, because he has fallen in love with Lenora. It’s also sad for Blake because someone did his hair as a joke but the joke hasn’t been included and now he just looks like an idiot.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

April 8, 2018

Claire "Cry Face" Danes

CANCELLED

But EXCUSE US it's time for the invasion now and Osher is just letting the Americans in warmly which we're pretty sure you're not meant to do when there's an invasion but... okay.

Osher welcomes Grant, who was allegedly on the US Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, and it doesn't matter how much of a backstory we're given we will always be lacking context.

Apparently he got engaged on the US season of Bachelor in Paradise which seems like a bizarre thing to do after a four week holiday.

"I trust the process," he tells Osher, and WHY THOUGH.

We recap last weeks awkward rose ceremony where Blake called Laurina the wrong name. Post continues after.

We're skeptical, and then Grant calls Osher 'sir' and... no. That's not... He's not your... sir.

As soon as Grant enters paradise, he decides to speak to the men to find out who owns who, which is respectful if not entirely f*cked up.

But Jarrod's being territorial, not least because by comparison this man makes him look particularly pink which Jarrod does not at all need right now, and WHY didn't Osher make him wear his hat and rashie today honestly this is becoming distressing to watch.

On behalf of Australia, Keira decides to troll Jarrod and asks, "do you tan?" to which he replies, "Yeah I do," and holy f*ck this man is a very sunburned liar.

"Once I peel a few times, I'm really brown underneath."

Grant decides to take Leah on a date, and we're shown literally 20 seconds of footage of them snorkelling in the pouring rain and that's it. This. Story. Line. Can't. Progress. Because. No. One. Can. Decide. Where. The. Story. Is. Least of all Channel 10.

Speaking of lacking a storyline, a Canadian guy named Daniel suddenly arrives because a) Osher has officially lost all control of security in his commune, and b) what we really need right now is more people to do even less things.

He says women in Canada are going into hibernation now so he needs to seek out other sources of women, which is not how you should speak about human beings but... cool.

As soon as he sees Jarrod, he looks him in the eye and says, "you've had a lot of sun," and LEAVE JARROD ALONE ONLY WE CAN SHIT ON JARROD.

Jarrod tells the cameras, "I'm on an island!" and, on a slightly less related note, "NO ONE WANTS TO MOVE TO VANCOUVER," and we know sweetie, we won't let the Canadian man b mean 2 u.

Shut up Jarrod is fine. He has a really good tan, actually.

"I'm from Canada I can do anything," Daniel says and is this man three? Is he three years old?

He adds that he and Grant are similar because they're sexual and take what they want and ew this guy literally makes Jarrod look like a sensible gentleman which is troubling.

Given that Nina is loved unconditionally by Eden, arguably the greatest but also most random human to ever be on this show, Daniel decides it's a good idea to take her on a date. They're meant to be going to a hot spring, but, yet again, it's pissing down rain and honestly Osher you can do no wrong but Jesus could you have not checked if it was goddamn wet season in Fiji? Srsly.

Daniel tries to cross a river with Nina on his back, and a local appears out of nowhere and gets real mad at him and it's the most embarrassing thing we've ever seen on television.

He tries to tell the local he "wants to find love" and the local is full like... dude wtf I don't care I just don't want dead bodies in my goddamn river.

Once they've stopped cringing, one producer manages to find an alternative place for their date. It ends with Daniel whispering "I'm a bad booyyy," in Nina's ear while they sweat on each other in the hot tub of a random hotel and none of this is mildly okay.

Back in 'paradise,' where it also hasn't stopped raining, Laurina says she's looking for an intellectual match which is awkward because Blake a) can't read, b) doesn't know her name. She decides to break up with him and he has literally no idea what's going on until she says, "I don't think it's appropriate for me to give you my rose now that we're being honest".

Luckily he's taken out his plaits so he looks slightly less silly.

Meanwhile, Ali has decided she can't physically deal with another compliment, so tells both Mack and Michael that there's no spark.

STOP NOW PLS it's a date card and Sam chooses to take Tara. This is easily the weirdest pairing we could've imagined and it's also potentially the most... stable.

They arrive at a dark.. place, where there's a traditional Fijian band playing in the corner. After a drink, Sam suggests they dance, but Tara knows that a) their dancing will likely offend the band and b) that's super lame/corny, so promptly declines. They watch the two men - who do not even a little bit want to be there - in silence.