The Twins recap Bach in Paradise: Keira would like to do some grass-cutting, pls.

 

Yes, well.

We’ve had a profound realisation about Florence.

You see, the confusing thing about Florence is that while she might look like a 25-year-old laid back, bohemian, blonde, beachy, foreign woman, she has the precise personality of an angry and world-weary 89-year-old Russian woman who lived through the famine of 1921 and has had enough of your bullshit.

So while men are expecting her to be agreeable and bubbly, they’re left perplexed as to why this conventionally attractive woman with 70,000 followers on Instagram only wants to talk about a) the war b) how she didn’t eat for a decade c) how much she hates Jake.

It disarms people, and this is why we like Florence very much.

WE WILL ALL DIE ONE DAY OK.

She spends the first 15 minutes of tonight's episode regretting her decision to keep Jake, given that she hates him. All she does in paradise now is discuss specific traits of Jake's that are stupid with her friend Nina, which would be fine, except none of this gives you a rose, Florence. 

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Speaking of barking up the wrong tree, Keira decides to take Michael on a date, even though LESS THAN A WEEK AGO she was literally YELLING about how passionately she hated his teeth for no reason.

Meanwhile, Luke has randomly decided to start shit because no one ever pays any attention to Luke. He tells Tara that maybe Michael should've said bye to her before he was forced to go on a date with Keira, which sounds petty but okay.

Feeling rejected, Tara forms an unexpected friendship with Sam and no.

She won't stop laughing even though nothing is funny, and WHY doesn't she remember when he referred to Sophie Monk's boobs as cans. WHY.

On their date, Keira keeps saying how much she's into Michael and we just don't... believe you. She tries to hold Michael's hand while riding a horse and Michael says far too politely, "I think I need two hands," and everyone in the world except for Keira wants to die. 

By the time they finally reach the alcohol, doofus music is playing which would really piss Keira off if she knew.

SHHHH IT'S JARROD AND HE IS STILL SUNBURNT FROM HIS LAST TRIP TO FIJI SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN A HAT AND ALSO A RASHIE PLS OSHER YOU HAVE A DUTY OF CARE.

For some inexplicable reason, Florence's reaction to Jarrod's presence is... anger.

She refuses to call him anything other than 'Pot Plant Jarrod' which feels both unnecessary and undeniably justified.

Blake sees Jarrod and says "haha gotta get a pot plant haha" and a) Florence already made that joke in a monotone 15 minutes ago and b) shouldn't you be in prison...

Soz.

Jarrod wants us to know that, yeah, he's cruisy. Relaxed. A lot of fun. And NO Jarrod we've already met you you can't be another person ffs.

He insists he's going to take it easy this time.

Narrator: Jarrod did not take it easy this time.

Minutes later, Ali from season one arrives, and Jarrod calls his family and says, "Make room on the vineyard," before setting up a savings account for their two children: Osher, a boy, and Sophie, a blonde little girl, who he insists is named after his favourite singer of the early 2000s, Sophie Ellis Bexter.

He hasn't spoken to Ali yet, but Jarrod keeps referring to her as "God's gift" and something about "the best, most beautiful soul and inside," which feels like something he definitely cannot know yet.

"I'm getting sunburnt on my peeling."

But Jake likes Ali's insides too, as does Mac, who appears to be an entirely normal human until he likes someone, in which case he starts smiling a little too intensely, and talking far too much about his window cleaning business.

Speaking of Mac, Jarrod doesn't know his name, which would be fine had they not been on the same season of The Bachelorette literally five minutes ago. But also... so true. 

Oh. Pause

Megan Marx has arrived, and obviously Osher is waiting for her in the hot sun.

As a side note, yes, Osher has been standing outside his commune without a break for approximately five days now. He hasn't eaten. He hasn't left to go to the toilet. Because anyone could arrive at any time.

Channel Ten, of course, offered him... staff, to schedule the arrivals of the contestants, but Osher waved them off. 'My commune, my rules,' he said, knowing full well that his rules tend to be nonsensical at best, and dangerous at worst.

He wishes now that he'd at least employed someone to keep watch and alert him when a person was arriving, but he spent the last chunk of his budget employing birds that he trained to look suspicious/ominous.

"I'm just always here. Waiting."

Delirious, Osher has forgotten that when a new contestant arrives, he just has to make small talk and then let them enter his commune. Instead, he's designed a bizarre menu of personality traits for Megan to choose from, so she can have a blind date with someone who is literally 20 metres away.

In the end, we're pretty sure Megan just says, 'Idk can I just hang out with Jake?' and Osher obliges.

When the blind date is announced to the group, Florence is blown away that Jake could possibly be chosen for anything based on his personality. It's true but also, Florence, pls, you're in paradise is there nothing that can be enjoyed.

Jarrod tells the camera he's intimidated by girls like Ali, and we just need to get something straight.

Jarrod, Ali hasn't spoken yet. So calm. The fuck. Down. You like her face and also her body which is nice but that isn't the same as her soul. And we can't watch this happen again Jarrod. We can't.

Oh hello. Keira is back from her date and is very excited to see Jarrod because she flirted with him on Instagram and we all saw it.

She tells Jarrod he's looking tanned, but no. He is sunburnt. He is so sunburnt. He is getting sunburnt by the moon and he needs to be indoors.

Tara lets Michael know that ever since he went away for four hours, she's fallen in love with a man who wears a bun. With knots in it. And all Michael wants to do is brush his hair and shave his face. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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