Something deep in our souls tells us that Daniel has, in his past, committed a very bad crime. And he keeps going on Bachelor in Paradise to avoid prosecution.
We cannot specifically say what we think that crime might be because that’s frowned upon/legally precarious but that man has at least 11 bodies under his house and we know that to be true.
We’ve not yet recovered from Daniel moaning at Keira last night, “You’re a bad gurl,” while sweatin’ a little bit, which is not a thing anyone outside that situation should ever have seen. But tonight, Daniel is trying to be sexy again, telling Keira, “I’d have sex with you right now,” and ew Osher wouldn’t like that.
Daniel then asks Keira if she's "physically attracted" to Jarrod which is... mean.
In case you were wondering, Jarrod's coping really well with watching this weird sex-talk-at-10am thing going down.
He says that the women in paradise are hiding under rocks (?) and the American men are finding them under those rocks and he hopes all of the Americans get the next boat out of here but that the boat has big holes in it because then the boat will sink which means they'll drown and therefore be dead and Jarrod's sunburn has infiltrated his brain a little bit and that's okay.
Understandably, everyone is becoming increasingly worried about him.
Megan says Jarrod's getting worked up... flustered... angry... BUT THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS RED HE IS SO RED.
Anywho, a new American, also named Jarrod, arrives - which is exactly what Jarrod needs right now.
And look. We're going to say it.
These Americans seem like... fake Americans.
American Jarrod looks like he's dressed as an American and Osher pls we can see straight through this.
He has a date card so speaks to all the women so as to choose his favourite one, but it's awkward because... no one likes him. Eventually he chooses Megan who is full like, "oooh I'll go but I don't personally want to but I will if you make me".
American Jarrod makes her and it's predictably unpleasant.
He keeps quoting movies which just as a general rule isn't that interesting, but Megan doesn't watch movies so she thinks he just keeps saying things out of context which is fair.
Back at paradise, Grant has decided he loves Ali now but forgets to tell Leah because apparently everyone has so much to do on an island with no responsibilities.
Leah now speaks exclusively in mean soundbites and we like it very much.
Meanwhile, Jarrod's being his best self, yelling things like; "I DON'T LIKE PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE," and "I'M NOT SECOND BEST", because Keira's flirting with Daniel again, and omg Jarrod you literally put Keira in this exact position a week ago and we cannot even deal with the irony.
Suddenly it's night time, and for some inexplicable reason Daniel doesn't have a shirt on.
He keeps saying things like, "I just want to take that dress off you," to Nina which tbh is becoming a little... how do we say this...
Keira's doing a flirt and everyone's been drinking since 7:30 am and now Jarrod has decided he's got a vineyard to run and doesn't have time to "mess about" and dude this is your second reality show in six months no offence but you're not busy.
He's... crying again. He's saying, "I'm just sick of getting hurt," AND HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN. JARROD ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS WE LEARNED THAT ALREADY.
While Jarrod's threatening to leave paradise, Ali and Grant have begun having sex on the beach in full view of Leah, which seems excessive but okay.
Daniel's walking around saying shit like, "Do I make you moist?" and "They call me Gepetto because I make women my puppets," and no we don't like it.
Ugh where's Osher srsly Daniel needs to be arrested.
But Keira has now decided she likes Jarrod again, so kisses him. He says she's like Madonna because there's only one Keira and they definitely have a better connection than anyone else on the island and Jarrod, goddammit you make things hard.
The next morning, Keira wakes up, has a mango daiquiri for breakfast, kisses Daniel for no reason, and breaks up with Jarrod, and yeah her face after she hooks up with Daniel is the single greatest thing we've ever seen on television.
STOP PLS Osher says there's a rose ceremony tonight and Jarrod's face is so red that Osher says, "wait, where's Jarrod," and he says, "right here" and Osher says, "oh sorry I thought that was a big red plant" and walks away.
At the cocktail party, Eden interrupts Nina and Daniel to confront Daniel about the fact he's a bit of a dick.
He tells Daniel he has to work on his eye contact and THEN Daniel tells the camera, "maybe I don't want to look at you because you're not the most attractive guy," and no.
We're not sure if Eden's ever been on a season of The Bachelorette or why exactly he is here, but Osher wouldn't stand for this.
Going into the rose ceremony, Nina, Keira and Laurina have all said they want to give their roses to Daniel which is disgusting but okay.
Nina ends up giving her rose to Eden because she probably wasn't that into getting harassed.
But then it's Lenora's turn.
She's told everyone she'll keep Daniel, but suddenly, she says two words we never thought we'd hear on Australian television: American Jarrod.
This is confusing because we thought we agreed no one liked American Jarrod, but Lenora says he seems fine and turns out Daniel was a slimy, misogynist who gave her the creeps and holy shit US TOO LENORA.
Now Keira has to make the final decision, between Red Jarrod or Daniel.
And like the feminist warrior we always knew she was, she screams "I DON'T KNOW" and then gives it to Jarrod in a panic.
Daniel pretends like he doesn't even care and says something about how he wishes he was at the gym instead and the chicks are stale and we think we speak on behalf of the nation when we say a) you were the worst, b) only we can be mean about Jarrod, and c) you say Fiji funny.
In the words of the wise Michael Turnbull, "You can build your abs in a gym but you can't build a heart".
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Read all our recaps, right here: