Tonight, we open with culturally inappropriate Fijian music, and realise how quickly we’ve become accustomed to white people being drunk always while on an island in the South Pacific that is not at all theirs.
It turns out that when Laurina left paradise last night she didn’t say bye to anyone and we’ve never had more respect for a person on reality television.
She doesn’t give a single f*ck and that is why we will love her AND her gold eye mask thing which we plan on buying because they look classy AF.
Anywho, everyone is getting sick of Jarrod and Keira who keep going through dramatic breakups despite the fact it would appear they have never once dated.
And by that we mean Keira keeps breaking up with Jarrod even though they’re not together and we don’t know how… it’s completely remarkable.
She tells the camera that she did like Jarrod she just found him a little intense and noo really, surely not Jarrod?
Keira takes him aside to dump him... again... and Jarrod is shocked like he always is and we cannot with this story line anymore.
Suddenly, a date card appears and Simone unsurprisingly chooses Jarrod to spend the day with. Jarrod then promptly does this weird dance we've never seen before in our lives and THIS IS WHY. HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO WE NEED TO SAY IT, JARROD.
THIS. IS. WHY.
Keira yells at no one in particular that she doesn't care about Simone taking Jarrod on a date, but he's most definitely going to get his heart broken. And yeah, well, we all know that don't we.
They go yoga paddle boarding because if there's one thing Jarrod needs it's more sun.
He piggybacks Simone to her paddle board as to shield his back from the sun, and then as they arrive at their boards, promptly drops her for no reason and y r u lyk this.
If that was Keira, she would've picked up the paddle board and pierced his heart with it and then finished the lesson because she likes yoga very much and that is why Keira isn't allowed on a date right now.
But Simone laughs politely which is exactly the kind of partner Jarrod needs.
They talk about how great their conversations are without ever once having a conversation, and then do some poses that require Simone to put her face in Jarrod's groin.
He says the whole thing was, "very erotic and sexual," and we need... we need you not to say that again.
Well now Jarrod has a goddamn cocktail umbrella behind his ear and looks particularly ridiculous. He is telling us it's time to meet the "New Jarrod" and that is exactly the kind of thing the old Jarrod would say. They end up kissing, and Jarrod goes more red than usual.
It's the cocktail party, and Michael is clickbaiting us.
He's telling Keira he wants to "shake things up" and he came here to find a "romantic connection" and WHO DO YOU LOVE MICHAEL PLS TELL US.
Michael tells Wise to "keep the drinks coming" and omg we bet Wise knows...
He pulls Lisa aside and tells her he likes her a lil' bit. She does not at all seem surprised which means something has definitely been going on and Osher never even told us.
"You just have to say how you feel. If you know what you want, just go for it," Lisa says and yeah well look how that turned out for Jarrod.
Keira is crying, telling a producer "no one's interested in me."
"You're handling it really well!!" the producer insists as Keira struggles to breathe through tears on national television after consuming nothing but mango daquiris for 10 days and... would we say that?
Grant then starts issuing advice to Eden, suggesting that if Nina refuses to touch him etc. that might be a bad sign.
Eden is convinced because anything said in an American accent has an air of... authority... so has a conversation with Nina about their relationship. She reiterates that she won't be kissing anyone until the very end, and Eden goes a bit weird but we assume that's just because it's Eden.
IT'S THE ROSE CEREMONY AND WE WERE PROMISED TEARS PLS.
Osher says, "Good evening everrrywan," and holy shit why is Osher speaking in an American accent.
Eden begins by having an existential crisis and giving his rose to Elora, who he has spoken to one time, but he thinks might kiss him eventually.
And they're playing Mission Impossible music.
"I sold out... I'm not doing it anymore," he says and DAMN that line was MADE for a promo.
He decides to give his rose to Lisa before running out of the strange wall-less room in tears while yelling "I DOGGED MY MATE".
The cameraman goes full Blair Witch Project and chases him into the darkness to zoom in on his panic attack etc.
Now Lisa's crying.
And it's Luke's turn to choose someone who is not Lisa, and because he has some respect for reality television and the overall quality of our weeknights, he gives his rose to Keira.
She cries and snots into his t-shirt and there's something beautiful about it BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHY.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
Read all our recaps, right here:
Ep 7: The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: Laurina just stormed out.