Bachelor in Paradise is like The Hunger Games for Instagram followers and we need to all agree on that premise before we can move on.
We begin with a feeling of unease because, yes. Osher has, without a doubt, spent the last several months on this island alone setting up for when his friends come to visit.
It was inevitable. Someone muttered something about ‘Bachelor in Paradise‘ late last year, and when Osher overheard, he travelled to Fiji immediately and located an empty island, then got to work building a commune with his bare hands.
It’s silly but mostly dangerous, and this is why, we’ve said it once and we’ll say it again, Osher needs to be supervised at all times.
Osher is too excited... and we're genuinely concerned he'll scare off the contestants. He has a wardrobe made up exclusively of Hawaiian shirts which would be fine except that we're in Fiji, and he stayed up very late last night making the final touches to his decorations.
He begins by laying out the rules and we have never been so confused in all of our lives.
There will be an unspecified number of roses. Given out by the women. But then also the men. Once a week. But it changes. If you don't get a rose then you go home. But then new people turn up. Indefinitely. We're not sure if there's a winner. The show just ends when Osher says it does.
OOOO SHHHHH SHUT UP there are contestants Osher would like us to meet now.
Tara is the first to show up and she greets Osher with "BULA!" and already this entire spectacle is feeling a 'lil bit culturally inappropriate.
She finds the bar and meets a kind local named Wise, who has been captured by Osher to pour drinks 24/7.
To answer your question, yes, there's chemistry.
But there's also a problem.
Tara is suffering from heatstroke for no reason. No one appears fussed, despite the fact that she refuses to talk about anything other than how hot she is, and when Michael Turnbull arrives he describes her as "profusely sweating" which feels... rude.
Then there's Luke and Lisa, and it occurs to us that this is just pretty much the guest list of every fancy social event in Sydney or Melbourne in the last six months but with more sweat and maybe less cocaine.
The producers would like us to know that evil be lurkin', so cut to a demonic-looking-Ibis who is by all accounts a good bird and does not at all deserve to be dragged into this godforsaken mess.
It's Leah, and she's obviously the villain who's been paid $20 extra a day to 'start shit'.
More people arrive and it's all well and good until Osher says, "Hi Brett!" and who the fuck is Brett.
We're shown a flashback but it's awkward for everyone because this man was never on The Bachelorette and now we have to pretend like he was.
Bla bla Florence arrives and she's not wearing any clothes but that's okay because we like Florence very much but EUGH.
WHO invited Blake.
He tells the camera, "I'm 50 per cent douche, 50 per cent arrogant and 50 per cent says what everyone thinks," AND THAT'S TOO MANY 50 PER CENTS WHY DON'T YOU KNOW.
Once everyone has arrived, Osher gathers all the ex-Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, and also Brett, together to tell them they're in Fiji. Everyone knows except for Blake who definitely thought they were in Lebanon. FFS.
Osher tells Davey he gets a special date tonight, mostly because he's been hitting on everyone way too intensely and the producers have received multiple complaints.
He'd like Florence, pls, because they met on Instagram and may or may not be sending each other nudes sometimes.
But Jake already owns Florence because they had a very ambiguous 'thing' that sounds a lot like 'casual sex', and Davey wouldn't want to impose on another man's property.
So he chooses Leah because why not and it's all very romantic.
They watch Fijian's do fire dancing and again it feels exploitative but we're going with it and the part of our brains that care have shut down temporarily.
Back at... camp (?) Flo is cranky that Davey didn't choose her, and tells the gals about her fling with Jake.
"Everyone has a Jake Ellis story..." Tara warns, before the other women nod in support, and omg we don't have a Jake Ellis story pls tell us we wanna hear a Jake Ellis story.
Florence decides to confront Jake, mostly because they've all been drinking since 2pm and everyone is shitfaced.
"WUT. WUT REPUTATION," he says, before Florence explains that he's universally hated, etc etc. Jake tries to excuse himself to go to the toilet, but Florence doesn't want to just SIT there and WAIT for a man to WEE WEE so yells, "YOU GO TO THE TOILET," before running away.
On an unrelated note, everyone is too sunburnt, and also it's been less than 24 hours and everything has already descended into schoolies.
When Leah and Davey return from their 'date', everyone's yelling at them to find out how it was, because they've all become 18 again and DID U HOOK UP OR WOT?
Neither of them want to talk about it because while they did kiss, it was horrible, mostly because they don't know each other at all.
The next morning, everyone's chill until Osher gives them a Keira who cannot at all deal with Michael Turnbull's veneers. Keira a lil bit has veneers too but that's not the point because there's something about Michael's teeth she doesn't trust and that's okay.
Everyone's getting drunk again even though we swear it's about 11am and suddenly Flo starts yelling to Jake and Davey but also no one in particular: "You're both idiots. I'd rather spend time with myself."
It's at this point we realise what this show truly is.
It's like a party where everyone should've gone home 12-18 months ago. And goddamn we're here for it.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.