Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 13: NO. Australia's collective heart just got stomped on.

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Hello.

Yes.

It’s time for this week’s edition of THROWIN’ PEOPLE UNDER THE BUS.

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We open on Osher excitedly whispering something about mathematics before throwing a date card on the table and disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

The date card is for a group date cause Matt needs to decide which sister wife to spare the humiliation of meeting her parents on national telly before… dumping her on national telly.

The women meet Osher and the nice young man with the glasses on what looks suspiciously like the lawn of the bachelor mansion.

They’re introduced to Dr Nikki Goldstein who’s a sexologist and Abbie is particularly excited because she wants to be one of those and yes sweetie, you do.

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BUT WAIT.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Matt be back.

Their first challenge involves hugging Matt for 40 seconds to see whether they like it when their bits touch etc etc.

The other women get to drink some free wine and watch the bits touching which seems a bit unnecessary but we like it.

Abbie – unsurprisingly – takes the challenge very seriously because she's an absolute hornbag.

Despite Abbie molesting Matt's weirdly sweaty back, he says he liked it best when Elly bits touched his bits.

In their next challenge they have to stare into each other's eyes for one minute.

Abbie, of course, molests precisely all of us with her eyes.

For his personal safety and the safety of the nation as a whole, Matt decides to spend the extra time with Elly.

And Elly decides to spend that time throwin' Abbie under the bus and thus – ultimately – throwin' herself under the bus.

PAUSE.

It's single date time pls.

Osher – having ran out of ideas and also needing to move house – slaps a sticker from Vistaprint on a Hertz truck and makes Matt and Abbie move all his shit.

Matt and Abbie get sick of being two men and a truck and start making out on the bed and guys pls, that's Osher's marital bed.

Later they sit on a rainy feelings couch and Matt asks Abbie whether she's here for the teeth whitening endorsements and/or the potential breeding of the Mini Matts.

Abbie cries thinking about all the lost endorsement opportunities as she promises Matt she's here for the wang and the wang only.

Ssssssssshhh.

It's cocktail party time.

Elly talks to some of the women about the time she threw Abbie under the bus, while Abbie talks to the other women about the time Elly threw her under the bus.

Then Elly decides to speak to Abbie about that one time she threw her under the bus but Abbie won't be hearin' it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sexual Chemistry and Hometown Dramas. Post continues after podcast.

Oooooh.

Osher's got no time for bullsh*t tonight... he needs to be handin' out some roses.

In a twist that absolutely everyone (except Elly) saw coming, Abbie gets a rose.

It's down to Elly and Emma for the final rose and Matt chooses Emma because he would rather be locked in a sex dungeon and forced to clip his toenails for sexual purposes for the rest of his life than admit that he was wrong about Abbie.

Elly be... shook.

Matt and Elly go for a chat outside and she cries and then he sniffs his fist for a very long time while a single, solitary tear slips down Osher's cheek as he watches the farewell from the bushes.

Elly leaves the mansion like a true queen.

Back at the rose ceremony, Abbie does an... Abbie. 

Sweet Jesus.

What a night.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 3: There's a twist at the cocktail party and one woman DONE LOSES IT.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 4: We almost had our first full-blown sex scene.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 5: Matt Agnew just walked out of the mansion... twice.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 6: One woman is asked to leave the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 7: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO MURDER ABBIE.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 8: WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 9: One woman is asked to leave the mansion.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 10: An intense group date leaves the mansion divided.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 11: OH SWEETIE NO. Abbie steals a date card at the cocktail party.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 12: Dear God, Abbie needs to... STOP.

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