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Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

To catch up on all the Bachelor Australia 2019 recaps and gossip, check out Mamamia’s recaps and visit our Bachelor hub page. Sign up to our “Mamamia Celebrity” newsletter for daily updates straight into your inbox, and join the conversation in our ‘Bach Lols’ Facebook group. We’ve got you covered. 

Sssssshhhhh pls.

Emma is counting Matt’s toenail clippings again and she needs to concentrate.

the bachelor australia 2019 recap
"IT'S LIKE THEY'RE OUR BABIES."

Jessika Power Rachael says Emma is "acting like a bit of a fool' and sweetie... pls.

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We remember. 

Osher comes in with a single date card and the womens play it... cool.

Someone we're definitely never going to see again reads out a clue about "not always speaking the same language" which is Kristen's cue to talk about that one time she went to China and met Chinese people and ate Chinese food.

When Mamamia met The Bachelor. Post continues after video. 

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Alas, Kristen does not get the single date because she's a white girl pretending to be Chinese and that's confusing for precisely everyone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

bach recap
中国

Sogand - the only Persian in the village - gets it and she and that nice young man with the glasses take an unnecessary helicopter ride to a 'remote location'. They then walk approximately 10 metres into the bush and stumble upon a fancy dress and a suit.

After getting changed behind a tree while Osher says "I'm not peeking... yes I am" and giggles uncontrollably... they watch a private concert and kiss etc etc BUT WE DON'T CARE CAUSE WE KNOW OSHER'S BEEN PLOTTIN' AND SCHEMIN' AND SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.

Finally, we're back at the house and Matt takes the women on a group date.

Catch up on the latest from the 2019 Bachie Mansion on our Mamamia Recaps Podcast. Post continues after podcast. 

They play a game that makes exactly zero sense while behind their backs Osher is doin' a sneak.

You see, he's been back on Instagram - trawlin' - and he's found eight doppelgangers who are currently heading towards the bachie mansion chanting "GO NEW GIRLS! GO NEW GIRLS" which a producer definitely didn't ask them to do.

Someone with a neck tattoo says "We're the new girls, these old girls are going to be shook" and we now live in a universe where people are "old" if they've been on a reality TV show for approximately 24 hours.

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The "old girls" turn back up at the mansion and Osher tells them about his sneaky sneak. Jessika Power Rachael is unimpressed because she came here to do a cheat and so far she's counted approximately two men and one of them keeps making up silly games and gigglin'.

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It's hard for her.

The "old girls" watch the "new girls" arrive and say pleasant things like "One more b*tch to go".

We meet Monique who is basically Nichole with a H but with "da boobs".

Nichole with a H says "if I accidentally punch her in the face, it's an accident" which seems like a perfectly acceptable response to the situation.

the bachelor australia 2019 recap
"YOU BEEN TO THE GOLDIE?"

Emma refers to the new girls as a "herd of cattle" which is factually incorrect because none of them have even moo-ed yet.

Oh.

It's... it's... a Nikki.

Nikki comes through in a cheerleader outfit, yells out "BONJOUR B*TCHES, MAMA'S HOME", and then performs a cheer for Matt which involves rhyming "Nikki" with "tricky".

We like her a lot.

the bachelor australia 2019 recap
YES
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the bachelor australia 2019 recap
PLEASE

Sogand says she's not jealous of the new girls at all because she's already got a rose and she's Matt's "favourite Persian princess" but GURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL... Osher's done a sneak.

He's found another... Persian.

We meet Danush who makes it abundantly clear that she's Persian by:

a) stating she's Persian; and

b) bringing the nice young man with the glasses some Persian treats.

Sogand slowly realises what's happening and starts guzzling wine and running around the mansion yelling, "I'M THE ONLY PERSIAN IN THE VILLAGE, I'M THE ONLY PERSIAN IN THE VILLAGE".

the bachelor australia 2019 recap
I'M FINE.
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It's very confusing for everyone... especially THE WHOLE OF AUSTRALIA who has never seen this much diversity on prime time TV.

One of the women says "we could have a bit of a Persian showdown" like that's a regular occurrence in everyday life. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When Danush enters the cocktail party, Sagond decides her best bet is to distract her by bonding with her over "Persian things" so she'll forget all about their shared boyfriend.

Over in the corner Emma is slowly losing her sh*t because Matt is very busy talking to his 23 other girlfriends and it's toe nail cutting time, dammit.

"I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE A BITCH, I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE A BITCH, LIKE I REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE A BITCH BUT..." she tells a terrified white girl.

Monique takes bachie for a chat and back at the pub the couches Nichole with a H is ready to punch on again.

One of the new girls says, "You know what's for dinner? The old girls" and truer words have never been spoken.

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Pause. 

It's rose ceremony time.

Osher runs the numbers and announces that six girls will leave the mansion.

Everyone says "old girls" and "new girls" a lot until a few of both are sent home ensuring the producers can milk new girl/old girl rivalry for at least another two episodes.

Abbie gets the final rose because... suspense... and also... drama.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.

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