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We open on Sogand saying it’s anyone’s game at this stage and sweetie… no, it’s precisely one person’s game and his name is Osher.
Osher drops off a group date card and scurries away to giggle at the alpacas in the yard.
It's fun for him.
Helena, Mary, Elly, Abbie and Emma turn up to the group date and spend the next six months being forced to work as underpaid acrobats in a travelling circus.¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Mary says there has to be an easier way to find love and... true.
PAUSE.
What... what.... is this?
It appears to be alive and is quite possibly the new intruder.
We can't wait until it turns up on the next season of Bachelor in Paradise and steals Jarrod Woodgate's girlfriend tbh.
Elly and Abbie literally spend the entire group date swinging their vaginas in front of Matt's face, while Osher giggles and counts his circus money.
The other women realise they probably don't stand a chance but they decide to stick around for a least another week for the gossip and also the free snacks.
After a particularly SWINGY VAGINA scene, Emma says she'd rather be in the pub and SAME.
LISTEN: Plan B and The Dark Horse. Post continues after podcast.
Matt gets to choose one of the girls to do some more unnecessary acrobatics and he chooses Abbie because SWINGING and VAGINA.
They suddenly - after approximately six minutes of practice - become seasoned acrobats and the moustache intruder is very proud of them.
They swing in the air and then this happens:
Which defies gravity and time and also my patience.
They sit on a space couch and talk about their feelings and Abbie gets a rose because SWINGING and VAGINA.
Ooooooh.
It's single date time.
Chelsie gets a second date because she's not Mary or Nichole with a H and because she's called precisely none of the producers "f*cken dogs".
Matt decides the best way to get to know Chelsie is to physically walk down the side of a building when they could just take the lift and go get some nugs at the local maccas. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It doesn't... go to plan.
After they literally crab walk down the side of a building and make a small child cry, they sit down on a couch and talk about their feelings because this is the goddamn bachelor and Osher is nothing if not consistent.
Sssssssshhhh.
It's cocktail party time and Sogand has just remembered she's Persian.
In a last ditch attempt to get Matt's attention she decides to do a belly dance.
She's never done one before, but she did watch Shakira sing about how lucky she is that her boobs are small and humble and not mountains in the 90s, so she thinks she has this covered.
She... does not.
Elly then gives Matt a present but the real gift is the sneaky cameo in the background.
It's... it's... Rachael's boyfriend.
Sssssshhhhh.
It's rose ceremony time.
Everyone gets a rose except for Nichole with a H who doesn't seem to care tbh and Mary who... commentates the whole thing.
Nichole with a H gets on her bike and rides back to the Goldie where Rachael is waiting with some tinnies and some durries. They say f*ck a lot and do some Instagrams.
Mary drives off into the night doing what she does best.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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