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Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 8: WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED.

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Sweet Jesus.

After an entire episode of no woof woofs by the pool pool, we’re back here again.

We open on Kristin and a whole lot of boats, which means some white people are about to use some unnecessary forms of transport to go on a simple date.

Kristin says she’s physically and emotionally excited for the date because of that one time she went to China. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

While she stands on a pier, wistfully looking around for China, Matt does a sneaky sneak up behind her in a kayak.

It’s almost as if it was… planned.

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*GIGGLES*

Matt says he's keen to find out what else Kristin is interested in apart from... China. And sweetie, no... that's it.

PAUSE.

THIS IS... IMPORTANT.

Glasses Matt is back.

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YOU LOOK SO SMART.
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They get into the kayak and immediately capsize it because Kristin is too busy listing Chinese things and Oshie needs a giggle.

Chinese food.

Chinese whispers.

China... cup.

Great Wall of China.

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After the unnecessary kayaking, they play a "naughty" game of noughts and crosses while Osher does a doggie paddle and giggles in the background.

Kristin wins so Matt has to give her a foot massage, which is really a punishment for both of them because he has to touch her feet and she has to admit she has feet in public.

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NO THANK YOU PLEASE

Ooooooh.

Hold up.

This has escalated quickly.

Kristin is moaning and asking Matt to whisper sweet nothings about China in her ear.

As he talks to her gently about spring rolls, she tells him to "feel free to explore further" so he lightly grazes her shins while giving Osher the "HELP ME I'M ACCIDENTALLY MOLESTING A WHITE CHINESE WOMAN'S SHINS LOOK".

Osher giggles in response.

The feet are finally put away and we all do a huge sigh of relief. Feet are the devil's work and should never see the light of day.

Next, Matt and Kristin rub a coffee scrub all over each other's bodies while Osher runs around in a circle sniffing them.

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Matt decides to impersonate a small child who has half fallen down a well and sits in a tiny bucket for no apparent reason.

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"It's very dark down here."

Kristin straddles him and rubs the scrub directly into his corneas for sh*ts and giggles.

He screams "IT'S BURNING IT'S BURNING" and Osher runs over and does a giggle.

For some godforsaken reason Kristin gets a rose.

It's not... Chinese.

PAUSE.

It's group date time pls.

Abbie, Elly, Sogand and the wee little one meet Matt and Osher and Matt's best friend Kate at some random house.

Kate is there to suss out which women are there for the right reasons and which women are... Abbie.

The women's best friends also turn up for no apparent reason including Sogand's best friend Max who is 100 per cent here for the gossip.

Listen as we unpack everything that happened in the Bach mansion this week on our Mamamia Recaps podcast... Post continues after audio 

Sogand tells Max about Abbie's lyin' ways.

Max tells Matt about Abbie's lyin' ways.

Sogand tells Kate about Abbie's lyin' ways.

And Kate tells Matt about Abbie lyin' ways.

Matt decides he actually quite likes Abbie because of that one time she said she was a Gemini and that other time she told him about the woof woof by the pool pool.

Sssssssshhhh pls.

It's cocktail party time and someone might do a swear.

Matt takes Helena for a chat and they have a pash. Then Osher runs over and puts red crayon all over their faces because one time he saw Sharon from Kath and Kim get a pash rash and it did him a giggle.

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"IT DOES ME A GIGGLE."

Back at the cocktail party, Jessika Power Rachael tells Abbie that Sogand's been throwin' her under the bus.

Abbie gets real mad because it's her job to throw people under the bus in this goddamn mansion.

Sogand then literally THROWS EVERYONE under the bus by telling Abbie that they all talk about her behind her back.

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It's rose ceremony time and both Sogand and Abbie get a rose because BUSES AND THROWIN' = DRAMA AND RATINGS.

The wee little one gets sent home.

She's very smol and sad.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 3: There's a twist at the cocktail party and one woman DONE LOSES IT.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor: We almost had our first full-blown sex scene.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 5: Matt Agnew just walked out of the mansion... twice.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 6: One woman is asked to leave the mansion.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 7: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO MURDER ABBIE.

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