Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 3: There's a twist at the cocktail party and one woman DONE LOSES IT.

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Sssssshhhh pls.

There be bitchin’.

We open on the “old girls” telling Vakoo about that time the “new girls” turned up at the mansion and tried to steal their shared boyfriend of approximately one week.

Jessika Power Rachael says it was… scandalous and true.

They explain they don’t like these “new girls” who look exactly like them because they’re different.

They’d very much like them to go back to where they came from, which we’re pretty sure is a place called Instagram… which they also came from. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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We then move to the “new girls” who are very pleased with their transition from “new girls” to “slightly less new girls”. The words “welcoming” and “kind” are used which is confusing to precisely everyone.

But especially Jessika Power Rachael.

Pause.

Matt is meeting Elly at Flemington Racecourse because… Melbourne.

She won the Golden Ticket, you see, and instead of getting to witness a fat kid drowning in a chocolate river, she has to spend some quality time with Matt in his hometown.

It’s sad for her.

They meet Gai Waterhouse. She’s quite enthusiastic about horses. When Elly isn’t looking she does a sneaky sneak and tries to steal the bachelor.

He was definitely into it.

For a special treat, she shows them the actual Melbourne Cup. Which looks suspiciously just like a... cup. In... Melbourne.

Osher comes and drags Gai away so Matt and Elly can ride some horses in peace, without her yellin' about cups and pedigree and monies.

They then go sit on a couch and chat about their feelings because this is The Bachelor and Osher is nothing if not predictable.

They kiss. He gives her a rose etc etc.

It's all very nice but WE DON'T CARE BECAUSE WE KNOW OSHER'S BEEN PLOTTIN' AND SCHEMIN' AND THERE'S ABOUT TO BE SOME DRAMA PLS.

It's group date time and Osher's found a way to really bring this manufactured "old girls" and "new girls" drama to a head. He's going to pit them against each other in a "modified" version of AFL.

"Modified" because Osher is directly involved and because the outcome of the game will have absolutely no bearing on the winner of the challenge.

Oshie reminds the womens that this is a game of touch and Nichole with a H seems... disappointed.

Matt says he doesn't think there's going to be any animosity between the teams and it will just be a "fun day out".

Sweetie... no.

Mary has no intention of having a "fun day out".

She'd like to throw some "b*tches" to the ground and then commentate on it.

After pushing approximately six "b*tches" to the ground, she's sin binned for five minutes before Osher sends her back on the field because... drama.

The "old girls" win.

Nichole with a H gets the "best and fairest award" which is confusing to precisely all of us but especially to everyone she's called a "b*tch" in the last 10 minutes.

She gets some alone time with Matt and tells him she's willing to move to Melbourne because "that's what he wants to hear".

Smart. 

Matt gives her a rose and then.... NO.

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO US AND IT'S NOT EVEN HAPPENING TO US.

Ssssssh pls.

It's cocktail party time and Osher's been doing some more schemin'.

A woman allegedly called "Issy" walks into the cocktail party holding a date card, which explains Matt will choose who he takes on the next single date during the cocktail party.

The women decide the date will involve a V8 supercar experience because of the clue "rev your engines". In a twist that precisely everyone saw coming both Nichole with a H and Monique are quite into the cars.

Matt then walks in and one of the contestants says it's like "feeding time at the zoo". Mary explains that it must be because everyone is ovulating. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Feeding time at the zoo is going well until Monique takes Matt on a treasure hunt to demonstrate exactly how much she likes... cars.

Nichole with a H and Jessika Power Rachael stand and watch and say things like "bullsh*t" and "f*ck" and "Monique" a lot.

Matt decides to give Monique his single date card and a rose because.... drama. And also... gossip.

Nichole with a H done loses it.

Her and Jessika Power Rachael walk around the mansion saying it's "f*cked" and that they don't "give a f*ck" which seems contradictory but okay.

When Nichole realises she hasn't got enough attention from the producers she decides to do a storm out.

Out of shot of the camera she explains, "She's just a blonde f*cking b*tch with a tan. Like, I'm over it" even though it seems she's the exact opposite of over it.

Oh.

It's rose ceremony time and we all pretendin' Nichole with a H didn't just chuck a tanty in the toilet. Okay.

Nichole gets a rose ensuring ratings remain high for at least the next three episodes.

Three women allegedly named Jessie, Renee and Jessica don't receive a rose. They seemed... fun.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

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