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GUYS.

It’s… it’s… time.

Our whole lives have been leading up to this exact moment.

Tonight someone will call the bachelor a swear on national telly.

It’s a very naughty swear so we’ll just call it a, erm, woof… throughout this recap.

But first.

We open on the women bitchin' about that time Abbie promised she wouldn't pash the bachelor and then pashed the bachelor for approximately 4950495 minutes while Osher giggled behind the couch.

It was a weird time for all of us.

Oshie gets a whiff of bitchin' in the air and runs into the mansion to get the gossip.

While he's there he tells the contestants that because they've been very good girls and haven't even called each other any swears, they get to leave the mansion and go to another mansion... in the country.

Nichole with a H and Jessika Power Rachael seem a bit miffed that they will have to leave the couch but ok.

While they drive to "the country" Abbie talks more about that time she promised not to pash the bachelor and then pashed the bachelor for approximately 4960556 minutes.

In the other car, Monique is launching a "campaign against Matt" which seems counterintuitive given the show she's currently on but we'll allow it because... swears.

Once they arrive in the country, Oshie pops up with a date card he prepared earlier. He's quite chuffed with himself.

Abbie gets the single date and Matt turns up in a ute because... country.

Matt explains that they're going to "juice" citrus fruit with their feet and sir... no. No one should ever get their feet out in public/talk about their feet in public/mention they have feet in passing.

After they do some unnecessary fruit juicin' Matt suggests that Abbie tastes the... "foot juice" and she... she... leans in.

Matt says it's "touching" that she's willing to drink the juice from his dirty man feet. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They then move to a couch and Abbie tells Matt about her background and they talk about their feelings which is... lovely... but WE WAS PROMISED SOME WOOF DRAMA and we'd like it now pls.

After Osher quietly chants "woof, woof, woof" from behind the couch, Matt and Abbie move to the pool because everyone knows a woof scandal needs some lapping water in the background.

Drum roll pls. 

In the pool, Abbie tells Matt that the day after the cocktail party Monique called him a "woof" and a "disrespectful pig" by the pool.

Matt seems genuinely shook by this development.

The next day Matt asks Osher to gather all the other women in a circle so he can find out whether they think he's a woof too.

When the women fail to use the word "woof" even once, Osher comes running back and pulls the plug on group sharing time.

Chelsie gets some alone time with Matt because she's the least likely to swear at him/try to fight him in the pub.

They seem to get along. Cool.

The next day Helena gets a single date because Osher is going to make us work for this woof scandal, goddammit.

A man named Steve makes Matt and Helena sexually assault a pearl together ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and it doesn't feel... right.

PAUSE.

It's woof cocktail party time.

Matt pulls Abbie aside and tells her he's going to talk to Monique about the swears and yes pls.

He takes Monique to the designated woof lounge and tells her he's heard she's used some pretty "flowery" language to describe him, which is something our dads would say.

Monique seems... confused.

Monique denies it but says she does think it's unfair he's dating 14 other girls at the same time.

Matt decides to bring Abbie into the conversation and SWEET BABY JESUS this is everything we wanted it to be and more.

They all sit on the couch together and Monique tells Abbie that she's heard she's been spreadin' rumours about her and Abbie says "Nah, you said woof, aye".

Matt asks who else was a part of the conversation and Abbie says it was Jessika Power Rachael, so Matt goes to find her.

While he's gone Abbie says "woof" a lot and Monique acts like she's never heard such language... especially coming out of her mouth... by the pool.

Matt finds Jessika Power Rachael and she says Monique did call him a woof by the pool but she was only... joking. Cool.

Not satisfied with this answer, Detective Matt decides to launch his own investigation. He takes the women aside one-by-one to hear their version of events.

Nichole with a H says she definitely heard... derogatory comments.

Emma says she absolutely heard the term "woof" being used by the pool.

Sogand recalls hearing the "woof word" but says that's just how Monique and Jessika Power Rachael talk to each other because they're... bogans.

However, Elly says it didn't seem like they were joking.

Unable to close the case, Matt approaches the group, says the night has been a "tremendous waste of time", and walks out of the cocktail party.

Monique and Jessika Power Rachael go around the corner for a durrie and Monique says she doesn't understand what all the fuss is about because she would never even use the word "pig".

Oooooh.

It's rose ceremony time.

Osher enters the room and he's a broken man. He just wants to play silly games and giggle behind couches but the bad women are saying naughty words.

One by one Matt hands out his roses to the suspects contestants.

When he gets to his final rose there's just Monique and a miscellaneous woman who didn't deserve to be dragged into this mess left standing.

He puts the rose down on the special rose table and... walks out the door.

After a satisfactory amount of time passes for his second walk out of the evening, Matt comes back in.

In a twist absolutely everyone saw coming, he gives Monique the final rose because... drama... and also ratings.

Some poor woman allegedly named Julia is sent home because of that one time she didn't say "woof" on the telly.

It's sad for her.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 3: There's a twist at the cocktail party and one woman DONE LOSES IT.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor: We almost had our first full-blown sex scene.

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