sex

“As a sex writer, here are my top 10 public places to get naughty – without getting caught.”

Each time I shave my legs, my eyes run over a scar just below my right knee. 

It’s white. Around the size of a five-cent coin. And instantly transports me to 2020. 

Rob. The back of his car. And about the best f**king sex of my life. 

It’s been almost two years since that point of public passion, but neither the carpet burn nor erotic memory have faded. 

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Why? 

Because getting naughty where you shouldn’t is one of the most risque turn-ons there is. From the thrill of getting kinky outside the bedroom to the risk of getting caught, doing it in public makes for some next level, adrenaline fuelled intercourse.  

And maybe, just maybe, I’m a repeat offender.

From the moment we learn about sex, we’d conditioned to keep our private lives private, intimacy intimate and coitus confidential. Doors locked, lights out, under covers, eyes closed.

So the thought of doing the very opposite is enough to get anyone’s blood pumping. Whether you’re into exhibitionism or not, It goes against everything we know. 

But, bear with me now because escaping the confines of four walls and a bed frame might just be what you need. A literal breath of fresh air into your post-pandemic sex life.

And as all the health experts regularly tell us, any activity you can do outdoors is a good thing. 

So when Mamamia’s Sex Survey revealed that you’re all just as horny as me for some public action (at the beach, on a plane and even in the carwash!), I knew I had to jump in. 

Because trust me, I’ve done the legwork. 

1. The car 

Throw it back old school to a time when you had a curfew and your boyfriend had his P plates with a little back seat action. 

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The car is a practical starting ground for those looking for a low-risk option with a high payoff. Not only will it have you leaving handprints on steamed-up windows with all the passion of Titanic, but it offers the comfort of a familiar setting with a quick getaway. 

Just make sure you chose a deserted carpark late at night, and don’t park under a streetlight. 

It’s also worth noting that rear seats provide much more flexibility, without the danger of getting a gear stick up somewhere it doesn’t belong. 

Risk rating: 3/10 

2. A plane

Ah, the classic Mile High Club. A sky-high milestone on the sex bucket list for a lot of travellers. 

But why not add some spice and remain within the safety of your fastened seatbelt for a little lap exercise. Because it’s one thing to get off 30,000 feet in the air, but doing it between passengers is truly earth shattering. 

For the least chance of getting caught, pick seats at the very back of the plane where it’s more likely you’ll get a row to yourselves. You’ll also want to make the most of mealtimes, when the flight attendants are up front. 

Then sit back, relax, and let your fingers do the wandering under the cover of an airline blanket or even your coat. The hardest part will be keeping your orgasm in. But if required, oxygen masks can be found in the compartment above you. 

Risk rating: 10/10 

3. The beach

The sound of the ocean. The salty air on your face. The starry sky above. The beach is one of the most romantic locations for a night-time dalliance, but the key word here is location. 

Chose wisely, dear lovers. A secluded sand dune is an effective green light. Five metres from the footpath is not. Don’t be fooled into thinking you’re the only two with the same idea. 

I must also stress here the importance of preparation. I’m talking towels, blankets, pillows, whatever. Just make sure you have something between your bare butt and the sand. Because you do not want to be wiping out granules from your who-ha for the next week. 

And don’t forget to pick up the condom once you’re done!

Risk rating: 2/10 

4. A party

In my humble opinion, there’s nothing hotter than doing the dirty with a stranger at a party. But being sprung isn’t, so pick your spot carefully and ensure you’re quick and quiet.

A spare room with a locked door is more than ideal. Just don’t sneak off with the birthday boy or girl because, I promise you this, people will look for them. 

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The bathroom is another efficient option but may I remind you, others will need it. So if this is your only choice, keep it silent and the lights on if you have any hope of going unnoticed. 

When all else fails, I’d go au naturel and make your way outside. Hopefully, there will be plenty of bushes, walls or sheds to hide behind, doubling the excitement of sex in the great outdoors. 

David Attenborough would be proud. 

Risk rating: 7/10

5. The drive-ins

Another classic that is totally underrated.

To make the best out of this one, get your hands on a four-wheel drive, ute, campervan or any vehicle with a decent boot to lay down and get cosy under the covers. Then it’s a simple process of moving from spooning to forking. While it appears oh-so-innocent from the outside, below the blankets his fly is open, your panties are pulled down and he’s slowly pushing inside.

So long as you keep your movements to a minimum and mobile phones on silent, there’s no reason you’ll get kicked out of this theatre.  

Risk rating: 5/10

6. A nightclub bathroom

This is perhaps the riskiest of them all, because without a doubt everyone is going to notice four feet under the toilet stall. Even in the boys loos. And any sound in a bathroom will reverberate. 

So my lesson here is to keep as mute as possible, and do not change positions. Begin by straddling his lap in cowgirl, sitting on top of him sitting on the closed toilet, and then race to see who can get there first. 

And whatever you do, please keep your clothes on. Because you never know who is going to burst through that toilet door. Such as the security guard. 

So giddy up, and at least make it worth getting kicked out for. 

Risk rating: 10/10

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7. The hotel lift

There’s something about elevators, isn’t there? Maybe it’s the confined space, condensed atmosphere or rising altitude, but getting on just makes me want to get off. 

So the next time you’re riding privately with a partner, make full use of every second to get as naughty as possible. With the clock ticking, a hand down the pants or up your skirt is recommended, while for those late-night liaisons don’t be afraid to go further. Just make sure you’re done by the time you reach your floor. 

And as for the CCTV? Hotel staff have seen it all before. Let’s just hope they enjoyed the show.  

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Risk rating: 9/10

8. A hot tub

What happens under the water, stays under the water – if you’ve got enough bubbles. 

A jacuzzi is the perfect place to explore your kink for public indecency. With such limited space, there’s never been a greater excuse to get close and cosy, while your hands explore below the surface. 

Sitting on their lap, slowly slide your palm up their knee until you find the inside of their board shorts, Speedos or bikini bottom. With your arm bent backwards, use gentle fingers to tease them until they’re pleading for more. 

Still facing away from your hot tub playmate, slip your own swimsuit to the side as you back up. And no one will be the wiser, if you manage to keep the tidal waves to a small swell. 

Risk rating: 8/10

9. The rooftop

The higher the better is the lesson here when it comes to rooftops and privacy, because from that far up no one’s going to be looking down on you. 

Of course though, make sure it’s safe, and ideally a flat surface. But apart from that, go wild sweet suitors. This is your chance to do whatever you want, however you want to do it. Think outside the box and your repertoire of positions. 

Because watching the world from above while you have the most mind-blowing orgasm is about as close to heaven as you can get. Let’s just hope you don’t wake the neighbours. 

Risk rating: 4/10 

10. A hiking trail

Picture this. 

You’re both already hot and sweaty, with endorphins coursing through you, and high off the beauty of the Aussie outback. In the middle of the bush, you’re about a million miles from no-where and haven’t passed another human in hours. 

A carnal feeling grows over you the further you get from reality. A deep-seeded urge to take it back to the basics. 

What can I say other than that the opportunity presents itself? 

With a little break off the beaten track, make use of the wide variety of trees, bushes, rocks and hills to hide behind, while you literally get down and dirty. 

But if you’ve learnt anything from me, dear reader, please lay out a towel first. Or you too will have the scars up and down your legs to prove it.  

Risk rating: 1/10

Happy sexing!

Feature Image: Getty.

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