Tell me not to do something and I’ll want to do it even more.
So when lockdown put all sexual liaisons on hold, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands.
With that, I turned to my favourite, tried and tested battery-operated device.
My one true lifeline to the outside world. My shiny glimmer of opportunity and hope that I could find other ways to connect.
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Elsewhere, my single friends were resigning themselves to temporary celibacy, while loved-up couples put 24/7 intimacy to the test.
But since lockdown started, I’ve been having the naughtiest virtual sex of my life.
Dirty dating apps.
In a world where you can’t do more than swipe right, dating apps have become a fantasy land where anything goes.
Without the prospect of meeting any time soon, protocols have gone out the window, accountability’s fallen by the wayside, and no one’s holding back.
Now within days of messaging – or sometimes just hours – conversations are spiralling out of control.
And just like a girl without anywhere to be, I’ve landed right in the gutter beside them.
"I’d start by stroking up your leg," Michael told me one night, "continuing to the top until you’re wet. Once I’ve pulled your knickers to the side, I’d gently start licking between your thighs, waiting to hear you moan and tense up every time my tongue touched you."
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