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ALL WE’VE THOUGHT ABOUT FOR FIVE DAYS IS WHETHER STACEY OR MIKEY IS LYING DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A PERSON?
We’ve yelled questions at strangers as we’ve gone on social distancing walks around the block, “DO YOU RECKON STACEY HAD SEX WITH MIKEY Y/N”, and mostly they’ve said… yes.
All we want tonight are some answers and if possible the specific condom Mikey used to be presented as evidence in the court of Married at First Sight Cheating Law.
The experts begin by welcoming back all the participants and holy sh*t they really did ruin a lot of people’s lives this year. When you see them all… together. In the same… room.
But excuse you there's tension.
"You had your chance this morning. That's when you should've apologised," Michael says to Stacey through gritted teeth and yes, please go on.
"Now you've left it too late," he says before Stacey replies, "Do what you want bro" AND DID YOU CHEAT OR NO BECAUSE WE DON'T EVEN HAVE HALF A REASON TO THINK YOU DIDN'T.
They decide to open with a little video package and don't you dare show us those weddings again don't you dare.
But alas we are forced to witness 24 people watch back their own weddings and then applaud themselves because they were on the television.
Afterwards, Sir John Aiken asks Amanda why she's inconsolably crying, and she says, "Just disappointed..." and yes. What a summary.
The first couple on the couch are Connie and Jonethen and if they show us another flashback of Connie crying in an aquarium...
And we’re doing flashbacks. Of aquariums. And relationships. That we’ve watched. For almost three months now.
Why are we looking back at what happened on occasions such as last Tuesday night when we have far more important things to do in our lives such as f*cking nothing.
The only moment of redemption, of course, is a reminder of the time Connie’s mum yelled YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND and then told the camera, ‘I don’t like that show,’ and everyone laughs because in hindsight, they don’t either.
But instead of focusing on the tension between Connie’s mum and everyone involved in the making of the award-winning documentary series Married at First Sight, we revisit how Connie’s self-esteem was somehow improved by being forced into a relationship with a man who didn’t particularly like her.
Everyone claps, but the focus on Connie’s personal growth is rudely interrupted by whispers from another couple.
"Should we leave?" Evarn asks Aleks and omg that would be so mean like Trish did her hair for this??
John then summons them both to the couch, mostly to yell at them about that time they ran away from the experiment without giving us any gossip.
Evarn explains they were ‘heavily pressured in the walls of this experiment,’ and even though he’s 100 per cent referring to Trish’s obsession with their intimacy, she smiles politely and wonders who this nice man is and why he’s being filmed.
Aleks then announces that while she and Evarn were not together when they left the experiment, she soon realised she loved this man, and we have so many questions including what happened to your Serbian boyfriend and how did you go from dark brown to blonde so seamlessly.
Everyone’s mad because this show is confusing enough without people lying for no reason, so Josh starts yelling about the time Evarn asked the boiz to bring up gossip at the dinner party then tried to defend his wife… against it.
Mishel tries to involve Michael in the fighting but he’s like ‘na I’ve got my own sh*t’ and eugh so true less about the lies that don't make sense and more about the life-ruining cheating scandals.
Next up are Mishel and Steve, and Jesus we thought the 'Steve is John Aiken's dad' joke would get old by the end of the season but they really do look strikingly related.
Mishel begins by explaining that all she wanted was an open mouth kiss, and like she'd open mouth kiss everyone in this room, so like?? Why wouldn't he just put his tongue inside her mouth and rest it on her tongue for a moment even if he didn't feel like it??? Why?
Expert Mel agrees that they should have put their tongues inside of each other's mouths and takes a deep breath before embarking on her once in a season moment.
"When you show up to your relationship every day and say, 'I'm not sexually attracted to you', you're rejecting her," she tells Steve, before having a rest and a coffee break and asking for a pay rise.
Steve nods but looks at John. Because they both know that John conscripted him to this show against his will because they couldn't make up the numbers. And then is silent at the family dinner table while his mother, Helen, yells at Steve for getting fake married on the television while he was already married with children.
OH.
But now it's Hayley and David and goodness how we've missed you.
We think that David might have gotten in trouble for the (revolting) lime green Hawaiian shirt he wore to the dinner party, so now he's in a three piece tux including a waistcoat. Which is... a lot. For a... Sunday night.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 34: The most brutal rejection in MAFS history.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 33: A misleading set of final vows.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 32: When you accidentally break up with your wife.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 31: Michael and Stacey need to break up already.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 30: 'How dare you bring my kids into this.'
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 29: We need to talk about the alleged cheating video.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 28: "I'm actually speechless."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 27: The 'feedback' no one wanted.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.
Top Comments
gah !
its over just when we need more mindless distractions during self iso and social distancing and theres no sport so couldnt they have re editid it to give us another month atleast ? what they have was padded out to last this long so why not a few more weeks ?