sex

I actively used a sex toy advent calendar, and yes Christmas CAME.

You've probably read road-tests of editors trialling new skincare, perhaps a fashion line, a book maybe? But I'm pretty sure no one has done a road-test of a 24-door sex toy advent calendar.

Yes folks, we're breaking new ground here and I apologise in advance for all the oversharing you're about to be walloped with. 

Quick watch: Men hilariously try to explain women's sex toys. Post continues after video. 


Video via YouTube Facts. 

I am graciously tackling the Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar, which promises 24 kinky treats behind every door. And I'll be giving you a sneak preview of all the goodies you can get in there, as well as an honest opinion of what I really think of it - because at over $100 buckeroonies for this advent calendar you're gonna want the truth.

So here goes. 24 days of sex toy testing. Pray for me my vagina. 

Day 1: The bullet vibrator

Image: Supplied.  

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Ahh the humble bullet. What a classy way to kick-start this kinky adventure. 

In my personal opinion, I think these are the most under-rated of all the sex toys. They are usually the best for beginners, but I have a sneaking suspicion that most people crawl back to their OG bullet time and time again. 

AND WITH GOOD REASON.

This little guy was quiet, powerful and actually kinda cute with this cosmic looking bod. I was a fan.

Score of this door: 9/10.

Day 2: A dick sleeve.

Image: Supplied/Lovehoney. 

I know what you're thinking: don't dicks already have... sleeves? 

And you are very right. But you can also purchase jelly jackets for them.

These squidgy fellas wrap around the shaft of the penis after you stretch that strangely small looking hole around them. The beads hidden inside add extra pressure and it supposedly feels like a teeny tiny hot stone massage on your willy. Noice.

One top tip though: If you're looking to use one of these, particularly for the first time, then make sure you lube it up. And be generous with your dollop, because dry sleeve on dry dick is painful.

PS. These are notoriously hard to clean, so lots of people chuck them after one use. 

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Score of this door: 4/10. (cos, environment)

Day 3: Massage oil.

Image: Supplied. 

Oh hello!

I wasn't expecting to find ~accessories~ in this advent calendar, but actually I'm pretty stoked about it. Sex accoutrements can be immensely handy and ramp up the sexual atmosphere in a flash.

This massage oil (with vanilla bean, ooh la la) was lovely and luxurious on the skin, and was the perfect excuse to force my partner to give me a back rub. GENIUS.

Score of this door: 7/10.

Day 4: Blindfold/napping mask.

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Day four saw me unwrapping a 'starry eyed blindfold' to help me 'indulge in the world of sensory deprivation'.

In reality, on day four I had a really nice midday nap with the aforementioned blindfold. 

Score of this door: 8/10. 

Day 5: KEGEL BALLS!

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Kegel balls, if you didn't know, are like a miniature home gym for your vagina.

Not really known for their sexual pleasure prowess, kegel balls are instead there to help you beef up your pelvic floor. Known beneficial side effects to using kegel balls are stronger muscles (which seriously help during childbirth if that's coming up in your schedule) as well as tightening up your pelvic floor which can lead to bigger, fuller orgasms. YAY.

If you're wondering how to use these jazzy little dudes, pop them up your vagina (with their silicone sling all attached) until both balls are secure and the silicone string is hanging out. Yes, like a tampon, get over it. Then you simply squeeze your pelvic floor so you can feel your body almost trying to crush the kegel balls. It'll feel super weird at first, but it becomes quite a comforting feeling after a while. 

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Then once you feel like your session should wrap up, whip the kegel balls out by pulling on the string and wash them as you would your other sex toys. I'm pretty sure a kegel session counts as your workout for the day, so feel free to skip the gym and tell them 'Katie said it was all G'.

Score of this door: 10/10. 

Day 6: Cock ring.

Image: Supplied. 

For some reason the second I opened this Taylor Swift lyrics popped into my head...

"I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings a cock ring. Uh OH. That's right."

Would I accept a proposal with a cock ring? Probably not. BUT I would gift this puppy to a pal as a wedding present. So, similar?

The silicone on this vibrating love ring is so plush and fancy, and the ring part (where the shaft goes) is stretchy enough to not be uncomfortable to put on, but restrictive enough to get the blood pumping. AKA the cock-ring-sweet-spot.

Score of this door: 8/10. 

Day 7: Shagging cards.

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You know what I didn't know I needed? Shagging cards, that's what.

Behind door number seven was a delightful deck of cards each emblazoned with a different sex position. There were some fairly stock-standard options in there as well as some seriously fruity numbers.

Despite them being a little startling on first view (and definitely not something you should leave lying around if there are youths in the house), it was actually so fun to play around with these. It is hands-down the easiest way to shake things up if you feel like you've settled into a routine in bed because you shuffle, pick out a card and BOOM, copy and paste.

Score of this door: 9/10. 

Day 8: A pom pom tickler.

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My partner is perhaps the most ticklish person on the planet, so if I used this as suggested ('gently stroke up and down their body, awakening their nerve-endings and making them ache for you'), he would have straight-up murdered me in cold blood. 

Score of this door: 2/10. (Was cute, but unusable for me as anything other than a keyring.)

Day 9: Nipple clamps.

Image: Supplied. 

What I have learnt from this advent calendar is that my nipples are dead to me.

Seriously, I got zero pleasure from this and also barely any pain. Should I see a doctor about this? Probs.

Score of this door: 0/10. 

Day 10: Slimline butt plug.

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It's time for a truth circle, gather round...

I'm not a butt-stuff kinda gal. 

I know that's probably some sort of sin if I'm also a sex editor, but everyone has those things they're just not personally interested in, and that for me is booty play. SORRY. 

So for that reason, I didn't take this little dude for a spin. I did, however, wrap it up along with some other anal toys for a 'Bad Santa' present which I can really recommend doing because the reactions are golden, I tell you. Golden!

Score of this door: N/A due to my butt. 

Day 11: Starfish massaging thingy.

Image: Supplied. 

I know that I have failed you miserably on day 10, but I am coming back strong for day 11 because I LOVE MASSAGES. I would happily have one every single day, and I quite enjoy giving them too.

For that reason, this was a great addition to the advent calendar. And this particular starfishy-style design is genius. It gets into all the nooks and crannies and allows you to put some goooood pressure on. 

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Fun fact: Pairing this with the vanilla massage oil from day three is a real treat. Particularly if you've got any dodgy knots you want to iron out before you get down to ~business~. 

Score of this door: 10/10.

Day 12: Wrist restraints.

Image: Supplied. 

For someone who has previously used a dressing gown tie (sexy, I know) as a wrist restraint, this feels like a major upgrade. 

Score of this door: 6/10.

Day 13: Ding dong dildo.  

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Behind (unlucky for some) door 13 was this pretty basic dildo, TBH. 

Look, it was fine - but it's nothing to write home about. It's more of a jelly texture rather than a plush silicone so it feels a tad cheap, and after using vibrators, going for a non-buzz-boy like this feels like a bit of a letdown.

Score of this door: 3/10.

Day 14: Sexy dice.

Image: Supplied.  

THESE ARE SO MUCH FUN!

Basically, one die has an action, and the other has a body part, so when you roll them you have to do as the dice dictates IRL. e.g. Kiss/Lips, Stroke/Penis, Kiss/Butt (which sounds like more of an insult than a foreplay situation).  

To be honest, it wasn't particularly ~sexy~ but it was really funny to mess around with these.

Score of this door: 9/10.

Day 15: Spanking paddle.

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It is a truth universally acknowledged that a spanking paddle feels way better than a slap on the arse. Pretty sure that was what Jane Austen said, right?

Also, cute that it matches the blindfold, but the two combined is more of a Piñata vibe. 

Score of this door: 7/10.

Day 16: Mini G-spot vibrator.

Image: Supplied. 

Oooh another buzzy one!

While the size and shape of this little guy was pretty good, I really don't like the feel of the thin plastic on my body, so I'm going to have to chop some points off for that. Soz.

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Score of this door: 4/10.

Day 17: Butt beads.

Image: Supplied.  

Again, sorry fam, but this one was not road-tested by my booty. BUT the groovy feature of this one, if you're interested, is that in the loop at the bottom of the anal beads you can put a bullet vibrator in there to add a gentle buzz to your butt. WOOHOO. 

Score of this door: N/A.

Day 18: Scented candle.

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...Not exactly a sex toy, but I appreciate the advent calendar's commitment to atmosphere. 

Lighting this scented candle and then using the vanilla massage oil seriously sets the tone for the evening and definitely ups the romance on a casual Tuesday night. 

Score of this door: 6/10.

Day 19: Over-the-door bondage attachment.

Image: Supplied.  

Look, I definitely didn't read the instructions properly on this calendar window and spent so long trying to figure out how the hoot to use these that I ultimately got so frustrated I gave up on them completely.

...Turns out, you attach them to the wrist restraints from day 12. Dammit.

Score of this door: 1/10 (due to my own idiocy). 

Day 20: Dick lasso.

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While this is really called a 'stamina ring', I much prefer calling it a dick lasso. These guys are made to help with edging, which is essentially delaying orgasm to build up momento before climaxing. 

Two words: It. Works.

Score of this door: 7/10.

Day 21: Date cards.

Image: Supplied. 

These are incredible. 

Much like the kama sutra cards, these take all the effort out of thinking up new ways to get intimate with your partner - but these sneaky dudes prioritise emotional connection too.

I know, I know, you didn't come to read a sex toy advent calendar review to be preached to about ~feelings~, but sex with someone you have a solid emotional connection with is insanely good, so get amongst it.

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Score of this door: 9/10.

Day 22: Spikey dick sleeve.

Image: Supplied. 

This was not... good.

Super tricky to get this dick sleeve on, the ball loop seems weirdly configured and unless you have a lot of lube ready to rumble, the ribbed elements of this are deeply uncomfortable.

Score of this door: -4/10.

Day 23: Diamond butt plug.

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Again, this butt plug falls into the not-tested-by-me category. But from observation this seems like a good size and weight, but the key feature is that the base is a diamond, which means when it's inserted your a**hole magically transforms into a Swarovski advert. 

I'm not sure who thinks their a**hole needs to be bejewelled, but I'm not down with this trend.

Score of this door: 1/10.

Day 24: Womanizer clit sucker!

Image: LoveHoney.

THE FINAL DAY HAS ARRIVED. And man, am I exhausted. In a good way... kinda. 

But what a grand finale. Day 24 was a renowned Womanizer clit sucker. (Not official name, but explains exactly what it does.)

Clitoral suction stimulators are all the rage right now, with celebrities spruiking them left, right and centre. And with good reason, these things have changed the sex toy game. They gently hoover your clit and give you a sensation that feels nothing like oral sex, but is really intense regardless.

If the 23 days prior failed you miserably on the orgasm front, this will guarantee that Christmas COMES. 

Score of this door: 10/10.

Feature Image: Mamamia. 

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